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More good news.  The Grief Counselor finally called and left a voicemail.  I'm making an appointment as soon as possible.  I'm, also, on the list for the next six week Grief Support Group.  I will take my Dad to the loss of a spouse one.  And, go to one me as well, for the loss of a parent.  Things are looking up!  If I can survive this, I can survive anything.

I´m Back

I met with a Christian Counselor and she is great!  I know how to communicate better with my Dad.  I realize now that he just needs to express how he feels, in the moment, and I shouldn't take what he says literally.  I should listen and not get upset.  And, listen like a counselor not a daughter.  I've been encouraged by two people to draw every day.  It turns off the left side of the brain and gives it a break from grieving while using the right side of the brain to be creative.  She's helping me in other areas:  to help me to be okay with being single right now or forever and to find out why I'm attracting and attracted to bad guys and how to break the cycle.  Those are the goals and she has the steps for me to accomplish them.  Tomorrow night is Octoberfest at my apartment complex so, Dad and I are going to go.  The next night, I have a painting class at the mall.  A girl, I met at a coffee house, invited me to her church so, Dad and I are going this Sunday.  I think these are all positive steps forward.  One day I hope my life isn't as hard as it is now or, maybe I'll be stronger and it won't seem as hard.  Keep going everyone! 

I´m Back

The other thing I learned is that I'm still operating out of fear.  I thought I conquered that five years ago.  It's, specifically, fear of the future.  And, that's where anxiety and panic live and wait.  The past is where depression lives and waits.  I try to be mindful in the present moment where there is peace.  Even if there's no peace, I can choose to make a peaceful moment out of it.

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I ordered a new book entitled, "The Mindfulness-Based Eating Solution" by Lynn Rossy.  

I´m Back

I went to The Winey Wench Painting Class tonight and I had a blast!  I didn't want to go and I'm so glad I did.  When you are in the moment, painting, there is no fear.  You are focused and concentrating on the task at hand.  I think that's when humans are their authentic selves (mindfulness).  I haven't been that relaxed in a long time.  It was wonderful!  I wish the Avatar's worked so, I could show you my painting.  I ordered a couple of books on dating.  And, on the flip side, I also read an ebook about being single and happy.  I'm, also, trying to find my passion and make a living doing it.  I'm going out by myself and I'm enjoying my own company.  I'm a great date!  Lol.  It's something I've been uncomfortable with for a long time.  But, things are changing.  I have to do things differently in order to have different results.  Also, the more I do uncomfortable things and face the unfamiliar, the more comfortable and familiar they become.  We can accomplish anything we want, as long as we don't hinder ourselves.  The only limitations we have are self-imposed.  I used to say I was a prisoner of fear and in an abusive marriage.  But, what I didn't realize is that I had the key to free myself all along.  We all have that ability within us.  It can take longer than we like.  But, keep going forward, despite setbacks, and with patience and perseverance, we will succeed!

I´m Back

Painting was really therapeutic and I wanted to keep those good endorphine feelings going.  So, I got my Dad to go to the free gym at my apt. complex with me.  We did upper body and cardio for 45 minutes and I feel fantastic!  I feel happy and I have a ton of energy.  Good kind of energy not anxiety.  So, we're going to continue going to the gym.  I also want to continue going to painting classes.  It's wonderful!  I got two more great books:  "Start Where You Are:  A Journal For Self-Exploration", by Meera Lee Patel.  It's fantastic!  It has positive quotes and statements and thought provoking questions.  I can't wait to sit outside at the coffee shop and start it!  I think I will have insight into passions I've never considered.  I can't wait to see what I'll come up with.  Also, "Very Good Lives", by J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter Author).  She lost it all and had nothing and look where she ended up!  Not that everyone is going to become a famous Author BUT, I'm looking forward to reading her valuable lessons that she learned.  It may spark something.  And, it will be encouraging to say the least!  I'm starting to find things I enjoy doing and I'm focusing on me.  And, it doesn't seem so lonely anymore.  I haven't thought about dating while I'm living in the present moment.  Also, in our Tool Box on this site, there is a section on Role Transition that is fantastic!  When you write the pros and cons of being single or being in a relationship, it really balances out the extreme thoughts.  Initially, you think it's all bad being single but, it's not!  I have freedom, I don't have to answer to anyone.  I can do the things I enjoy doing, I don't have to compromise, etc.  The list of positives is huge!  I've never looked at it like this before.  I've never looked at the positive side of it.  So, I'm enjoying life and I'm proud of picking myself up and helping myself, even when there was no one to help me.  I'm strong!  Oh!  I, also, picked up a wine charm at The Winey Wench Painting Class.  It spoke to me.  It was a key.  It reminds me that I have the key to open every door that I want.  Everything I need is within me!  Fear kept me in an abusive relationship and I believed the lies.  I didn't know that I had the key to my self-imposed prison.  But, once I realized that, I freed myself and you can too!  It's hard, it's stressful, it's not fun at all.  But, when you do it and you can look back, you will be amazed at what you CAN do.  You can only do it for yourself.  No one else can do it for you.  I encourage you that you can do this!  I'll tell you why.  Because, when I first came here, I had Agoraphobia, I couldn't drive ten minutes down the road with out epic panic attacks and I had panic attacks in the shower.  It was interfering with my life.  I went through this program and three years later, I flew around the world by myself.  I used to be afraid to fly but, I flew 35 hours in within a ten day period.  I was in a foreign country and didn't know the language and it was the greatest experience of my life!  The good that came out of it was that I was fearless for two years afterward.  Which brings me to the conclusion that practicing CBT coping skills is something that needs to be continued throughout life.  When I stopped practicing replacing negative with positive truthful thoughts and believing them, fear creeps back.  And, then I got sucker punched when my Mom died and I relocated.  Now, I'm gaining control of my thoughts again and it's easier this time than it was the last time.  I read a grief pamphlet that said there is nothing wrong with me.  What's wrong is someone that I loved has died.  Be kind to yourself and patient and persevere.  We're all in this together and you are not alone even if you feel you are.  I'll keep posting my progress.  Keep going!  You've got this!

I´m Back

My motto has become:  Keep Trying.  Despite the various slew of disappointments, seemingly on a daily basis, I keep trying.  Re:  the gym.  The equipment doesn't have adjustable seats and one size does not fit all.  I've decided to walk instead of injuring myself at the fitness center.  Also, the church I went to yesterdaay wasn't my cup of tea.  So, I'll have to try another one.  The one book I mentioned in my previous post below, re:  self-exploration was fantastic!  The J.K. Rowling one was a commencement speech.  The main point was, "...raise your voice on behalf of those who have no voice...identify the powerless."  It's good to help others.  I'm coping with being alone and isolated...not very well.  Lol.  But, I talk with my counselor tomorrow.  It's good to have one person to talk to.  As you can see, it seems, one day I'm up and one day I'm down.  But, I keep getting up despite circumstances.  If I'm having a bad day, I know tomorrow will be better.  I am trying to remain at an even level instead of going up and down with life.  The only way to do it is to utilize the power of your thoughts.  A situation is what it is.  It's the spin you put on it or how you perceive it.  Example:  two women lost in the woods.  One, panics and thinks she'll never find her way out and will die.  The other, looks around at the beauty of forest and she is confident that being lost is temporary and she will find her way out.  Also, when putting out fires in live.  We carry two buckets.  One filled with gasoline and the other with water.  When something upsetting happens, do you add more fuel to the fire and make it worse?  Or, do you choose the water and try to weaken the fire and make it less upsetting?  We can choose.  It's difficult.  Some days we are stronger than other days.  So, be gentle with yourself on weaker days.  We're all human.  The great thing about life is every day is a chance to begin again.  Yesterday's gone, tomorrow hasn't arrived.  Do the best you can today.  That's all we're required to do.  Keep strong and carry on!  We can do it!

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A positive lesson from sad circumstances. When you lose someone you love, it changes you for forever.  You realize that family and friends are most important in life.  With that in mind, Dad and I decided to move to PA to be centrally located to friends and family.  And, now, I'm not concerned whether I will be single or not for the rest of my life.  I have a support network of people who love me.  Living in paradise means nothing if you don't have people, who you love, to share it. 

I´m Back

Tough day.  I wish I could go home.  But, I know my brain wants me somewhere familiar so, it doesn't have to work so hard.  I've kind of been down since my last counseling session.  I thought I had come a long way from having past codependency.  But, she gave me information sheets on it.  So, I wrote down the solutions for what I needed to work on and disregarded the steps I've already achieved.  Next session, I face my biggest fear.  It's bigger than flying on an airplane for a total of 35 hours in ten days and staying in a foreign country where I didn't know the language.  I've had 54 years of ingrained habits.  I'm tired of working on myself all of the time.  I'm not doing well with my Mom's death and trying to talk to new friends on facebook or in person.  I appear needy and insecure.  It makes me want to only have relationships with friends and family who accept me and I can just be myself and not have to exchange stories and get to know each other.  I read articles to fix myself.  I just read if you stay in an abusive relationship (I did for 16 years) that your kids lose respect for you.  So, add more stuff I can't handle right now while going through grief.  Sorry to vent and complain.  I'm tired.  I haven't slept well in two days which causes anxiety.  And, I wish I could leave Florida tomorrow instead of in April 2017.  Sorry to be upset, I can't be 100% positive all of the time.  I'm human.  I know I should focus on how far I've come and give myself credit.  And, not worry so much what others think.  And, stop thinking until I get a good night's sleep.  And, know that tomorrow I will feel better.  This upset is temporary and it can't last forever.  Just like bad things can't last forever.  Good things are coming around the corner.  Just going to hang in there and keep moving forward.  Try to relax and give myself a break.  I tried to write what I would tell my best friend if she was going through what I'm going through.  So, that's what I'll do now.  Take a rest and self-care.  

I´m Back

P.S.  I, also, have physical issues from stress.  I know the only way to get on the other side of everything is to face it head on and walk straight through it.  I hate being uncomfortable.  But, it's the only way through to the other side.  The only way to learn coping skills is to go through obstacles and not avoid them.  So here I go.  Sledge hammer in hand.  Breaking my way through the mountains.  It's exhausting, messy, totally not fun.  It's growth.  And, with growth comes growing pains...and great success.  Cheers to continuing the fight and not giving up.  It's not that I sit down.  It's how long it takes me to stand back up and fight.  I'm fighting for me.  And, I'm worth it.  When no one is there to encourage you.  You have to encourage yourself.  You have to rescue yourself.  No one can do it for you.