About your headaches... I get AWFUL headaches / migraines... and have had many times when even my hair hurts.. if that's even possible. When my anxiety was in it's "health scare" phase I was sure I was going to die...and never did. For yourself having someone so close to you die so randomly of something very uncommon only allows your thoughts to confirm what you're worrying about.
I've had the pain above one eye...in my temple... really everywhere and as has been mentioned before tension headaches can affect you in the way you're describing.
It never hurts to double check with your doctor though and with all that you're going through it would probably put your mind at ease... They can rule out anything more serious..
As for the thoughts about dying... I've had these too.. and they can be a bit overwhelming.. For myself, I've done a lot of "soul searching" and research on the subject and that gives me peace of mind... I think for me personally it's the fear of the unknown..and having my time end before I've done all that I want to do.. mostly seeing my babies grow up... I'm not sure if you have "faith" or "religion" to fall back on but for some it helps a lot. I'm still searching .. but it's a wonderful journey...
And you only prefer the panic attacks because they're no longer there... lol.. I battle both anxiety and ocd... and always felt as though you do.. until I had my setback and realized both are pretty bad... but we're a strong group of souls on this site and full of successes and triumphs
You'll beat this just like you did your panic attacks..
It's a great group of people here who have supported me in their "cyber" way... I'm so thankful to have a place to share my feelings and not be "judged"... and have people share their opinions and views.
Problems seem a lot easier to face when you have people around that understand where you're coming from or to give you a different perspective on things.
Sounds like you "hung in there" and were successful.. Don't look at what part of the day you didn't enjoy but on only the good... That's the stuff good memories are made of. I find letting go is the best thing (but the hardest)...and for you it worked too... Once you actually put yourself out there and just "let loose" time passed, you had a good time.. and the anxiety was no where to be found... I
If you keep doing what you're doing, the good days will just keep piling up...
We are our own worst enemies.. over analyzing everything.. For whatever reason we think we are the "topic" on everyone elses minds.. Hardly is that the case.. LOL... so pat yourself on the back and look forward to many more wonderful summer evenings.. enjoying yourself. You deserve it as you've worked very hard on getting to this point..
As for the heat.. It makes me "uncomfortable" in small spaces so I'm going to challenge myself by taking HOT YOGA... yikes.... but I think the benefits will far out weigh the battle it will take to get through the whole class.
I think what you wrote was beautiful.. Imagining the picture and then it being there one day.. Very nice..
I have never really had depression (thankfully) and have always had a fairly positive outlook.. although it has been challenged during the worst of times with my panic disorder / ocd.
I appreciate you sharing your stories and insight.. I keep learning from all of you and it has been very helpful to me..
I was just beginning to think the same of you.. I just read a few of your other posts today and they are very inspiring and reassuring :). I think for many of us this journey has been a long one...for myself when I look back I had a lot of anxiety even as a child / teen. Lived the "perfect" life... great student, happy, cheerleader..blah blah blah..and inside a big knot of worries..
My career was the same.. always had to be #1.. smiling / happy ..you know the drill...so when my world came crashing down and I could no longer pretend I didn't have a lot of support because people could just NOT believe it...
I'm in a better place now but as I've mentioned before I have had a recent setback and it really challenged me.. all my negative ways of thinking came back and I was terrified. Without the help of so many of the people on here reassuring me by sharing their stories I don't know if I would be on such an upswing. I've had to up my dosage of paxil but hey.. if that's what I need to do to live a happy and productive life then so be it.
I think for me my greatest fear is when I feel "bad" that it will never get better... That to me is terrifying..
There are so many ironic sides to anxiety that you have to laugh about them (or you'll cry!)
You have to have enormous courage; but you are in constant fear.
You have to expose yourself to normal day situations; but you most likely suffer agrophobia.
You have to think positively; but your racing thoughts during anxiety are always negative.
That sums it up perfectly...
I personally can't stand losing at anything so for me I have no choice but to fight this battle with all that I have.....If I'm going to kick someones *ss.. it might as well be this!!
As for your therapists intentions - although he wasn't a good fit for you I would give him the benefit of the doubt that he was actually expressing concern that you were quitting therapy before a resolution was found. I think most of them mean well (even the goobers..lol).
You didn't tell him you were seeking alternative treatments so he probably was a bit worried....(it's hard to tell someone they're not the "one") but you don't owe him anything so don't feel "sorry".
Big step today Miki.. now good luck on your new search..
I myself have been procrastinating.. I made a ton of phone calls etc. looking for a therapist when my meds stopped working... but now that they are back to normal and I'm feeling good.. I've stopped the - I get so mad at myself for being like that... It's like the program - once my anxiety is under control I fall off the wagon...
A magic pill would be SWEET... but one can only dream..
I completely relate to you... When I feel great and all is going well I stop working on anything remotely related to my Panic disorder or OCD... I think that's pretty normal though as life when it's good - it's good and we want to enjoy those moments when we can. When I am in the midst of my anxiety / ocd I too fear that "this will be my life FOREVER" and I find that terrifying.. BUT I do constantly remind myself that that has been proven wrong over and over as I've had years panic / ocd free.. I experience normal everday anxiety and I am a bit obsessive / type A when I'm happy but don't we all have a few quirks?? That's what makes me so lovable and unique *wink*.. ha!
Depression and anxiety are linked on so many levels. I think one often precedes the other... I myself have been quite fortunate and don't battle the blues very often... For me it has always been anxiety. I've had a few "brief" glimpses into it and I didn't like it at all... I give you a lot of credit for maintaining such a positive outlook and for continuing your journey onward.
I have the privilege of being a mom to two amazing little ones Jaci.. and I don't think a mom would ever find their child a burden. She loves you Jaci.. you are and always will be a part of her heart and soul. She only wants to protect and heal you and at times that may show as frustration for being unable to do so. (My hubby feels like that at times and I know he loves me more than life itself...) Us moms are so protective of our babies no matter how young or old they are... so don't carry that with you. Accept what she has to offer and don't EVER think otherwise. It's part of your anxiety playing with you.. making you feel that way. It plays on our weaknesses ... and you're stronger than it so just hang in there. Your fear too will subside but you know that... it's just that when you're in the moment.. it feels like forever. I just went through a setback and I had to dig pretty deep this time to admit I needed help again.. and maybe it's time too for you...
We are all hear to listen..but maybe it's time for a helping hand closer to home :)
I'm glad to hear you're seeing the light... The first 1/2 of the battle is the hardest.. like the climb uphill.. so girl.. it's all downhill from here on in.. You've done the work.. faced the fear and now it's time to incorporate it into your daily life..and soon all those good days will be outnumbering the "icky" ones.
Well.. not one to usually say negative things but I think this post is nothing but negative reaffirmation of a lot of stuff I didn't need to know or worry about. Most of it is logical but I would much rather see a list of successes as opposed to a list of negative traits...
That being said... for myself it has made me even more successful in my career / school etc. as it drives me and pushes me to be the best. Not always a good thing on the "inside" but on the outside it has reaped many benefits...
Also what it has taught me in life lessons could NEVER be learned by reading a book on how to feel empathy etc... For that I'm thankful.
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