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15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

hi goofy,

I do not think that it is a depression problem. I am not in any particular episode and I am rather functional if rather bored! Nothing new this fall that is why I am so excited with these first attempts at renovation works.

It is strange because I am in a convesation and I stop as though I am going to translate a thought. Nothing new. I think in both English and French with a varity of images in between... But the space just extends longer than usual ... and I start to mime the thought hoping to 'spit-it-out' And still it is stuck. Or typing. I stare at the keyboard when I type. i am a five finger typer and not that great. So when I staer at the a and hit the s it is frustrating and worst when I look at the g and hit t.h.n.b.v.f.t but not the G.!!!

I know that the assocations of colour and size and feel are all that make my little doodling so special. But to look like the village mushroom experimenter is getting on my nerves. that is all.

oh sherlok is on till later

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Wise Wildcat,

As I too experience the right/left brain disconnection with finding words in oral communication, difficulty with focus and concentration (staying on subject), etc., I was wondering if these are a part of the depression instead of side effects of the meds? I also sometimes get my fingers stuck on the wrong keys and it takes great effort to get them re-oriented! lol, and those little bumps on some of the letters and numbers are for nothing! I would like to add that these things make you no less wise, insightful and helpful, oh and creative!

I hope that your psychiatrist has a cancellation so that if you feel you need to see him/her that he/she is available.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Wise is a new one! And with the side effects of my Topiramate I'll take what every good is coming these days.

(I feel as stupid as a bag of rocks! I can't type. I keep hitting the keys next to the ones I want. When I talk, I see the image of what I want to say but no word to go with it. seems the left and right half of my brain are disconnected ... and my psychiatrist is doing hours at hte hospital and can't see me this month.)

Pete, even if you could buy some ... i think the stuff that is Made-to-measure still is best

. Lets move on over from sabotaging your efforts to some creative explorations...

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Pete, if you find somewhere to buy self-respect, I'd be interested. As a former rehabilitation counselor, I agree with Wildcat (also with you, that she is very wise), there are many resources available to you. I hope you not only continue here, but reach out to those resources as well.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Wise Wildcat,

Aspergers is an autistic spectrum disorder, I quote "... the distinguishing features of AS are problems with social interaction, particularly reciprocating and empathizing with the feelings of others; difficulties with nonverbal communication (such as facial expressions); peculiar speech habits that include repeated words or phrases and a flat, emotionless vocal tone; an apparent lack of "common sense"; a fascination with obscure or limited subjects (for example, the parts of a clock or small machine, railroad schedules, astronomical data, etc.) often to the exclusion of other interests; clumsy and awkward physical movements; and odd or eccentric behaviors (hand wringing or finger flapping; swaying or other repetitious whole-body movements; watching spinning objects for long periods of time)."

There is a decent definition at http://www.answers.com/topic/asperger-s-syndrome. And as Rose306 wrote, depression in adults with AS is not uncommon. I am not going to expend energy looking for a formal AS diagnosis - it wouldn't give me access to any particular treatment - but it could be helpful to feel that I have a genetic predisposition towards social difficulties, rather than being dirty or inadequate or repellent due to the bad karma I have accumulated over my life.

Self-respect - ah, if only I could go to tthe shops and buy some............

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 142

pete - i'm surprised that asperger's didn't occur to you! you should be thrilled to now have a name you can work with. guess who has/had asperger's? einstein, and dan ackroyd lots of others can't think of them right now. lots of web sites to help you cope with this - stay on the antidepressants because from what i read depression/anxiety seem a result of asperger's. it's really interesting stuff. you have nothing to be embarrassed about. it's genetic, so many things are. we have to deal with the hand we're dealt, right?

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

I am sooo soorryy but I can not help my self! will you forgive me???

oh for Pete's sake!

soorrry.

seriously. for your sake. It is a lack of self respect that gives rise to the negative descriptions and negative self-evaluations. I do not give cheep sympathy. I have been there, done that, and all the tears of the Madonna will not correct the past. I do believe in the here and now. And! right here, right now you are using a resource that is available to you to help in your heaing process. You are not taking advantage on anyone! I think most of us have to be over 18 yrs, major and vacinated - (does that translate literally? I sometimes mix the english and french...)

Do you not see that from the outside we see you? We do not Judge you! That is the difference. You see all the different ways you have cobbled together to be able to function and "survive". You have judged these measures as inadequate and negative. Others on the outside, see them as pieces of a "common" pattern. They are not bad, inadequate, nor the signs of weekness. It just is. Heavens, do you have any idea what behaviors are common to weirdos like me, bipolars?

As for my group... we let new comers get used to one or two people the first night. The second week, they could sit at the back of the group and observe the dynamic. The first hour was a welcome, a repetition of our exercises, and a week of victories. Then the second hour is an introduction of each member and a discussion with 8 people on a theme. The Newbie could sit in and listen or choose to leave at this second week. The third week we ask the Newbie say their name in the group till they are comfortable enough to say a sentence or so. The routein just goes on and on week after week and this makes things feel "safe" and people really are non-judgemental. We are all in the same boat!

So talking to strangers !!! is like a leap of faith to work on some "advanced" things; conversations, evenings in a resto or bowling, ....

could you enlighten me ...Asperger's syndrome?

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 955

Pete, Please do not think for a second that you are taking advantage of this site. The purpose of this site is to help members (like you) with their experiences and their emotions. The online advantage is that this site is accessible at all hours of the day, which can be incredibly beneficial, especially during those unpredictable moments of weakness. We are here for you! Have you considered pursuing the possibility of an Asperger's Syndrome diagnosis? Do you think this would help you cope? Continue to post and let us know how you are doing! Sarah, Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Wildcat,

Thank you for your insightful post and reading of mine. I agree that my social phobia is at the root of my depression. I only had a handful of sessions with my therapist (paid for and arranged by my employers - and I can't afford to pay for any more sessions myself) - we identified my social phobia and she suggested the starting of exercises (saying hello to strangers, deep breathing, relaxation techniques). My therapist's opinion was that I am nowhere near ready for any kind of groupwork, and at the moment I would just find it an added source of stress and panic. I can only agree. Also, it was suggested that I may have hitherto undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome - my youngest son is an 'aspie' and the similarities between us are sometimes striking.

I certainly agree that I suffer from panic attacks when faced with social situations, and they are getting more frequent and severe. If you are feeling brave, there's a piece of writing in my blog called 'Arise' which is a description/depiction of a panic attack I had recently whilst out at lunchtime from work. I haven't been to the panic centre, but I'll check it out. I'm aware that I'm harsh with myself, and lacking in compassion towards myself, but I'm the only person who really knows me, really understands me, and I know I don't deserve anything better. I have so little self-respect, so much cowardice and selfishness, so many petty, pathetic little secret compartments, that I'm not worthy of compassion. But I hang around this support site, looking for cheap sympathy, taking advantage of all you good people, and I hate myself for it, but I can't stop. I feel like the world's worst deceiver, hiding behind the anonymity of the web to portray my suffering but not revealing the endless parade of omissions, weakness, lies and shame that have caused it.

So it's not a lack of understanding which causes my harshness with myself, but too much understanding. This is empirical, based on evidence, not irrational or distorted thinking as I am trying to convince myself to believe.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

pete,

when you saw the therapist,... did you have exercises to help you with your social-phobia? or a referal to a group? it is very striking in these last few posts and it seems to be one, one of the roots, of your depression... But that is just me looking at how you express yourself.

And how you "describe" yourself in your post reminds me of ed and pierre from my groups. Extremely harsh and negative, very little compassion and understanding. Lots of stress and disappointment.

have you looked at the sister to this site the panic center. (If you read french I could give you the site I go to). Because what you describe is not a lack or a negative on your part. It is the final stages of a panic attack ... -There is nothing there at all. Just an overwhelming need to escape. I want to be insignificant, ordinary, unnoticed but there is the awareness that my silence, and and I'm sure my body language as well, actually makes me more conspicuous.- even the rest, how you hide is very -typical unfortunately.

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