Thanks, Faryal, for the kind words:
"I do not see these traits come through in ANY of your posts. In fact, you seem to me to be quite the opposite...........expressive, wise, down-to-earth, caring, intelligent and sensitive. I realize that these qualities shine through because you are not face-to-face. However this to me is the essence of you."
This is precisely why I am so harsh with myself, say such cruel and hateful things to and about myself that I would never say to anyone else. I probably do have these qualities, but I can't unlock them. Does that make sense? It's the massive frustration and anger with myself, that everyday social transactions become such sources of trauma and set the stress responses to red alert, so I just have to get away. My mind just goes a complete blank - it's not as if I have conversation inside of me that is blocked from getting out by my shyness. No. There is just nothing there at all. Just an overwhelming need to escape. I want to be insignificant, ordinary, unnoticed but there is the awareness that my silence, and I'm sure my body language as well, actually makes me more conspicuous.There is a very small 'magic circle' of people that I trust and can talk to - my partner (though I am aware that I play a part with her, and must seem distant and guarded) and children, my parents, my partner's parents. But that's all. Not even my own brother and sister or my partner's brother really get a glimpse of me, just a bland facsimile. I'm not looking for a varied and vibrant social life, or a huge circle of friends, just the ability to be myself, unselfconscious and comfortable, when I encounter social situations (by which I mean virtually any kind of verbal transaction over and above the most barely functional) both in and out of work.
I have been making efforts with the 'baby steps' towards becoming socially capable - trying to say good morning to the occasional stranger, passing the time of day with shopkeepers. That's okay, but if they were to start a conversation with me I would feel the need to run. My colleague at work, who has the desk next to mine, is a friendly, chatty sort of bloke, and he likes to have casual conversations while we work. I like him well enough, but I dread it when we are both at our desks - I feel like a worm crawling over a razorblade trying to 'chat'.
I realise that moaning about it won't fix anything, and that I won't magically wake up one day as a normal person, so I have to work at myself. But it's just so difficult and painful to do. I know that if I can mend this part of myself which is so broken, it will go a long way towards lifting me out of my depression, as this chronic lack of self-confidence and social ability is at the root of my indifferent and unsatisfying career path, and subsequent financial worries, feelings of inadequacy and failure and the whole long litany of negatives that face me right now. It's so easy to hate myself, when I can see potential in myself which I have squandered, thrown away, destroyed, with nobody else to blame.
-okay in an anxiety group those with social phobias need to plan some small talk discussions or the panic sets in- in a bipolar group we get stuck trying to save the person who came in suicidal- I have not been to a pure depressive group sorry Pete.
