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First post ever- zero energy

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

Dalya,

Do you realize what you just said to me? I was reading over your post and thinking wow great how perfect. Ok so you and your husband both don't want you to work. If you can afford it then isn't it perfect that you are not working? Maybe what you should be planning is not getting another job but how you are going to manage to stay home.

There is nothing wrong with you. It is a miricle that your husband can have an operation to fix this. Appreciate that there are medical advances that allows that. For some people they cannot even have an operation to fix this. In fact many families cannot have children at all. You are very lucky, congratulations on finding out how to fix this! Also, maybe you were not meant to have a baby yet. You need to be healthy and happy before having a child. Giving birth and taking care of a baby is very driaining physically and emotionally, not to mention the risk of post partum depression, you need to be prepared. You need to be healthy before you should worry about having a baby. These three months can actually be just what you need. Prepare yourself before getting pregnant.

So you know what you want. That is great. Perhaps its time you talk about this with your husband, possibly get advice from a career counselor. Your main goal right now is you.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 8

I also left out one important thing. When I said that maybe I didn't know what I wanted, that's not totally true.

I think that maybe a reason that I'm feeling so frustrated and furious is that my husband and I decided we wanted to start a family 2 years ago, and it's not happening. We've been going to a fertility clinic and doing all the tests and everything, and they have finally told us it's a problem with him, not me. But for 2 years it was the rollercoaster of hoping hoping hoping every month and then the crashing disappointment 2 weeks later. It takes a toll on you.

The way they think they are going to fix the problem is that he will need a very minor operation- like, you are in and out in less than half a day and it's pretty much painless. But you still won't see an improvement in sperm quality for 3 months. So more waiting. They also want to try IUI next cycle, (assisted reproduction) but it's not guarenteed to work.

So you know what? I don't want to go back to work. There, I said it! I'd rather be planning for our first baby- taking care of myself, planning her little room, being excited and happy. That's what I want! That's what we both want! And yet, here's just one more thing out of our control and it's so upsetting. My best friend just found our she is expecting, and I hate myself for not even being able to share the joy fully with her because the flip side is it selfishly makes me feel sorry for us. And that really is awful.

So there it all is. In my saddest times I think "here's just another thing I'm failing at" my stupid body can't even get pregnant! The most basic, natural thing in the world and I can't even do that! It's just a big waiting game, and it sucks.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

Dalya,

The situation you are in now is not pathetic. Millions of people around the world feel like you. You have to try not to let yourself get overwhelmed. Yes there are people around the world accomplishing tasks easily but they are not depressed. You have depression. This is an illness. Would you think someone with cancer who has to make a list to accomplish one thing during the day was pathetic? No, you would think, good for them for pushing themselves. So why are you not as considerate with yourself?

Telling yourself you are not accomplishing enough and constantly worrying about what you should be doing will only make things worse. You need to feel good and accomplished for every little thing you do. Even if it is just getting out of bed. And you know what? It is an accomplishment. You will get through this but the first thing you need to to is start to feel empowered and accomplished when you do achieve goals. I think going to a career counsellor may be a good idea. It will get you out of the house and who knows you may get some good ideas. This career counsellor may also help you find someone that helps people with mental illness get back to work. It would be a good thing to look into.

You have a lot on your plate right now and it is completely normal what you are feeling. Just know you are not alone. You will be able to get through this one day at a time. What are your plans for today? Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 8

Hi Ashley,

Nice to speak to you, thank you for your post. You have some thoughtful ideas about making lists and putting things into steps... but I can't help thinking that it sounds so.. wimpy. I guess I still have a bit of a battle in my head that all of this is so ridiculous. It is ridiculous that a 34 year old woman needs to make a list to clean a closet- when other people are going to work every day, curing cancer, putting criminals in jail, performing surgery. And here I am, making a list, hoping to clean a closet! It is truly pathetic. Everyone else is doing things, seems to have a talent, and here I am stuck inside myself.

I have a huge knot in my stomach because I'm on EI since I was laid off last Nov and they have sent me 2 letters to come to some sort of "job finders meeting" that I did not want to go to. I mean, I know perfectly well how to look for a job, I don't think I need to attend a meeting where somebody tells you to make sure you don't have any spelling mistakes on your CV. I'm registered with an excellent agency and have applied for a few jobs- I'm in a creative type of industry where stuff doesn't come up every day, so I'm doing the best I can in the situation. But now they called again last week and left a message to call them about my claim, and I only got the message today because I'm avoiding the phone... and now I feel sick. I need that money to live on, but I'm terrified to call them.

I just can't believe this is happening to me. I hate my life and my situation right now. I'm also so embarassed to be where I am. I don't know what I want anymore, maybe the problem is that I don't want anything. And I don't see how things are going to change! I'm already taking medicine! Some days I feel like I am back to my old self, and other days I feel like today. I don't know how to be different, I don't know how to change and I'm so angry at myself! I'm furious! This has GOT to stop, I'm sick of watching the world go by while I am wasting my life feeling sorry for myself.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

Hi Dalya,

I am happy you found this site too! Welcome to the family.

I am sorry things are difficult for you right now. Have you started working your way through the program? You will find it to be a great help to you. Also, read through the forums they are full of useful and inspiring information. Perhaps also keep a thought journal to track your progress and pinpoint irrational thoughts.

I know things seem impossible right now but you will get through this. If you ever need someone to talk to or just to be heard please post here. We are all here for you and we are all in this together.

Ok all those goals you mentioned at the bottom of your post are good. You know what you want to start accomplishing...now its just a matter of taking the baby steps to do it. Everything written out like you have it seems very overwhelming. Try breaking down you goals into small manageable tasks. One day try to complete one goal. After each day you have completed one thing give yourself a reward. If that is simply sleeping in an extra hour or watching your favorite TV show then thats great. Write down your goals and be sure to check them off when there complete. Today and tomorrow make your goal be to plan your goals for the next few weeks. They can be very simple. Like go for a 30 minute walk outside, spend 20 minutes cleaning out the linen closet, talk to a friend on the phone for 15 minutes. Eventually things will get easier for now just try to do one small thing a day.

Keep posting!

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 8

Hi everybody,

I'm so happy I found this site, the program looks pretty good. I have had depression all my life I know understand, and I have done extensive therapy with an excellent councellor about 10 years ago to work through childhood sexual abuse. I feel really good about that, and like it's dealt with as much as it can be.

For me it was harder to admit depression than it was to admit sexual abuse! It seems so self-indulgent and dramatic, qualities I don't like in other people, much less myself!

Depression has always been a part of my life, it also runs in my family. In the past 4 years, I had a severe episode that was unlike anything I had ever experienced, to this day I'm kind of amazed that I got through it. I was absolutely suicidal and for the first time ever I went to the doctor and let it all out- and was put on Celexa which saved my life. Having experienced that, I now know it is an illness- the same as cancer or heart disease or a broken leg... and if you could just "snap out of it" you would!

Anyways, I feel myself sliding backwards. Not nearly to the extent I was once at- I went back on medication about a year ago, and if I have to take it the rest of my life I am OK with that! But lately I am just so listless and bored, and there are days when I don't even leave the house- 3 days is my record. There is nothing I want to do, I don't feel like talking to anyone, I'm not answering the phone, the day just leaks by in a slow blur of fooling around on the internet or staring at the ceiling. I can't bring myself to complete any projects, and I feel like a loser while my husband works from home, cooking some lunch for us, trying to cheer me up. I'm not working right now, having left a very stressful job last winter due to a layoff (which was a real relief!) and I just feel like a bit of a parasite, while he works to support us.

There are just so many "shoulds". I should get another job. I should get off the couch and go running again. I should investgate starting my own business. I should stay in touch with friends and family. I should clean out the linen closet. I should go outside and enjoy the beautiful sunshine. I should finish my art projects. I should work on my novel. I should take a shower and put on makeup... but I can't seem to find the energy to do anything.

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First post ever- zero energy