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14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Dalya,

Its going to be ok. First of all most doctors know better then to think of someone with a mental illness as someone "who just wants to suntan all summer".

You will have to be diagnosed with depression before you can proceed. It is a good idea to go back to your doctor to discuss this with her. You should not feel ashamed. This is your health we are talking about. Your doctor will not be judging you.

Also, your husband should understand. You are addressing the issue now and that is what matters. You have not screwed up you were just sick. If you were sick with the flu the doctor would write you a note to validate why you missed your appointment. It is the same with your depression. Again, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

I really feel you worry and pain as I read this but I want you to know things are not as bad as they seem. You have options. Talk to your doctor. Please stay strong. You will get through this.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 8

(My thing got cut off from below. The last part should be:)

I did not know ANY of this! I thought that by meeting with her and letting her know that I was looking for work but missed the meetings because of depression, that would be explanation enough, and they would continue with EI benefits so long as I continue to actively look for work! So now my Dr has to give me a note saying I should take time off, for like, 6 weeks for example, and then tough boots for me- I'll have no income! How does this help me, exactly? If I KNOW that after a specific period of time I will have nothing more to live on, how is that going to help me take care of myself and "get better"?

How on earth do I explain all of this to my doctor, now? And so say she gives me some letter that says I should take 2 months off- what am I going to have to "prove" myself? Am I going to have to meet with some government person twice a week so they can interview me about how many knives I have in the house?

I have really screwed up this time. I am terrified to tell my husband that I have lost money that is helping to keep a roof over our heads. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I am too embarassed to go back to my Dr and tell her all of this, that I need a note from her that says I can't work right now, when everyone probably thinks 'sure sure, she looks perfectly fine to me, she probably just wants to suntan all summer on taxpayers dollars'.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 8

I am in big, big trouble.

When I went in to talk with that EI lady, it was because I had not responded to their calls to come to job meetings. The letter said they were stopping my EI benefits because of this. I told her that I was very sorry and I was embarassed and explained what was going on with my depression. Sometimes I can't even answer the phone or leave the house because it's too much. That's when she said I should see my Dr to assess if I should "switch" to sickness benefits instead. I said that it felt bad enough taking EI and that I would rather be working and being productive, but she said I should speak to my Dr anyways.

So I went today and did this, for $160 that I really do not have- the situation where I live is so bad with public healthcare, the only way I could get a family Dr was to go private. Every time I go it costs a fortune, but it's better than being stuck with no doctor at all. But that's another story, one all Canadians know. While I was there I told her about what was going on- me not working, my husband was out of work too for 6+ months (and just started a new job thank God), finding out we'll pretty much never have a baby without IVF, and now we've used all our savings just to keep ourselves going. It's been one stress after another. I have good days, and then something comes up and throws me for a loop and I just crash again into the black hole, and then I'm too anxious to go anywhere and I feel scrutinized and unworthy of anything good ever happening to me- and that I deserve all of this because I'm too weak and unstable to keep it together... and then I start thinking about bums on the street and how that could easily be me one day if everyone gives up on me and I can't take care of myself and I have nowhere to go. And I don't know what the "secret" is. I don't know why I didn't seem to get the instruction book that everyone else seems to have innately, so they have happy, normal lives. I don't know why I always have to be "different"; like I am tattooed with ink that I cannot see. And most of all I am just tired. I am tiredtiredtired of pretending- I am exhausted, actually. I can't be that perfect, smiling girl with everything under control, carefree. And yet I can't let anybody else know precisely how screwed up I am, either.

Back to the problem. I couldn't tell my doctor what I wanted, because maybe I did not know myself. The EI lady was talking about "switching" benefits, from regular to sickness. I thought this implied that it was sort of my choice to see what category I should properly be under. I left the Dr's office with her saying that I should think about it, and get back to her. I did not speak up anymore because I thought A) this "switch" to sickness benefits seemed to be at my descretion, and do I really want anybody involved in my medical stuff; and B) I was also worried that she would think little of me, like maybe I was trying to scam the system into getting money for something that wasn't serious enough to be justified. So when I got home, I calle dthe EI lady and basically said that my Dr thought I should carefully consider this, as once you let the medical cat out of the bag, so to speak, you can't put it back in in. Then the EI lady said, "We NEED medical proof that your illness is making you unable to work. You missed those meetings because you said you were depressed. Your benefits for EI are cut off. If you don't have a note from your doctor saying you are unable to work, you will not have any money. I need documentation saying how long you should be off, and we will proceed from there."

I did not know ANY of this! I thought that by meeting with her and letting her know that I was looking for work but missed the meetings because of depressio

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Hi Dalya, when EI suggested sickness benefits, it may have been to help you a little more, I think with sickness benefits, you don't have to fill out the cards, you get extra monies and it would probably less stressful for you. I agree with Faryal, you have to stick up for yourself and ask questions, I know I am not the best one to talk about this but who knows, maybe a kick in the bum from a complete stranger is all it takes.

Overwhelmed and tackling everything at once is horrible, I would suggest writing a list and picking one thing off the list (make it small bite sized chunks (wash a load of laundry, dry that load, fold it and put it away are small things) and not big chunks (do all the laundry, if you have to do everyone's laundry, that can be overwhelming) just take it one load at a time.

You are a step ahead of me, with the desire to reconnect with your mom, sister and best friends, I commend you for that, and wish you the best of luck. Let us know how things go.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 823

Hi Dalya,

Although you were reluctant, you confronted the issue with EI which is great because now you know what's ahead of you and you can make some decisions. It is not the ideal solution, but perhaps there are some benefits to being switched to "sickness benefits" - did they explain the difference to you and why this was recommended?

Your frustration is understandable but it is important to tackle things one at a time so you don't feel overwhelmed. You seem to have a very supportive husband which is wonderful. It's great that you are sharing your feelings because that brings relief.

Your desire to reconnect with your mom, sister and best friends is also very commendable because it shows that relationships are important to you and that you don't want to alienate anyone when you are feeling down or distraught. Hopefully your emails will be met with positive responses and you can resume relationships with them as part of your support network.

Take it one day at a time and don't forget to work through the program also - it does help to better process your thoughts and give you some perspective.

Faryal, Health Educator

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 8

Oops, and one more thing too! (Aside from warning you that your bum will probably be paralyzed if you actually posessed the patience to read all of that...)

I wrote an email to get in touch with my mom, sister and one of my best friends this morning and sent it. Basically just letting them know how much I love them and apprieciate their support, and to let them know what's going on- that I was sorry for not connecting with them lately and being a better friend etc, they way that they deserve. And also that I feel I am slowly getting back on track and not to give up on me when I disappear off their radar. I still think of them, and love them.

I have been wanting to do that for ages. It felt good to let them know, and to apologise for any hurt feelings I may have caused by not being very close, these past few months.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 8

Hi Grumbles,

Thank you for your sweet note! Hey, we could start a club eh? LOL

Well, as for work vs staying at home... what I want and what's going to happen seem to be 2 different things. If I was looking after a little one, I'd for certain be staying at home. But with just us, it probably isn't the best choice. If we are going to be doing any treatments like IVF or proceeding with our adoption plan we'll need all the money we can get. And I think it's unfair to expect my husband to have all the pressure of earning with this looming above our heads.

Yesterday I finally took charge and called EI about the letter of stopping benefits. I had to go and meet with a lady there and explain. You know, it's sort of humiliating enough to have to take benefits as it is, but then to trot down there and (god love her!) meet with a girl who is like, 22, and has bubblegum pink fingernails and who twirls her hair while she "explains" things to you in an extra calm voice is a very extra-special experience, I can tell you. Not that I am 400 years old or anything, but I am 34 and she's working and I'm... not. Anyhoo.

Like a dope I ended up having a little weep in her office, and after apologizing for not being on top of returning their phone calls etc and explaining stuff a bit, she seems to think I should be switched onto "sickness benefits" instead of EI. She wants me to meet with my dr to see if my dr says I would be better off just taking time off completely (like, what does she think I am doing at home now?) and "getting better". I am not really happy about this. It's bad enough having EI in your business, but to now have them know your medical situation can probably only be worse. I don't want to feel like a student reporting with doctor notes and "plans of action" etc etc to Services Canada about my private medical stuff. And I sure as hell don't want the labels of "mental illness" on any files about me!

So I came home, stared at the ceiling again for about an hour, cried into my poor cat's fur (and then he looked annoyed and had to re-groom himself again, LOL) then I said ENOUGH ALREADY and I felt so angry at all of this- the stupidity and unfairness of all this crap- I am sick and tired of feeling crummy and walking on eggshells with myself while the rest of the world just carries on in their happy, normal lives. I began doing laundry like a crazy woman, and ripped apart the linen closet, and boxed up winter clothes, and folded a million things, then I made supper and baked dessert so we could have something decent to eat, and I just went at it!

When my husband came home I told him where I went that afternoon and pretty much everything I've just said, and I think he was kind of surprised. I truly keep all this depression crap to myself. I don't even want him to know how bad I can feel sometimes. I mean, there is nothing he can do to magically change it, and all it will do is worry him- will he come home one day with my head in the oven and a note a la Sylvia Plath? He doesn't need that on top of worrying about work and keeping us afloat financially right now. He also feels so, so bad about his fertility issue- I don't need to add to him feeling it's "his fault" by making comments about a baby and what not. We're both sad about that already- parroting it over and over out loud won't change things either.

So that's where I am today, and where we are. I'm going to keep going on my cleaning spree. At least after all of this I may have closets so tidy, it will look like perhaps I have an OCD too, on top of everything! LOLOLOL.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 125

Hello Dalya,

We have a lot in common. I don't want to work either! LOL

You sound like a very articulate and intelligent woman. I look forward to getting to know you better.

I think its great that you came to the realization that you want to stay home. Do you think you and your husband could make that work?

How are you doing today?

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Dalya!

I had a huge smile on my face as I was reading your post! It is so nice to hear you enjoying yourself. Isn't it funny how the things can make us so happy? You have been accomplishing a lot. Its hard to believe just a few posts ago you didn't even want to enjoy the sunshine now you are all over town having a great time (minus the Capri pants

). Enjoy today you deserve a little happy I think!

Your husband sounds very sweet! Give him a big hug for us for putting a smile on your face today.

Let us know how tomorrow goes.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 8

After getting all that off my chest yesterday, I did feel much better. I haven't told anyone some of those things so to put it out there and to know I wasn't bonkers felt good.

So I decided to continue that goodness by going for a walk and treating myself to a strawberry popsicle which promptly dripped onto my leg on my new white capri pants... ha. Then on a whim I stopped into a little nail salon to see if the lady could do anything about one fingernail that cracked off and looked awful compared to my other ones- it was down to the pink while the rest were longer and really nice. Well she attached some kind of tip to it, and now it looks perfect! I can't tell you what pleasure this dumb little thing gave me! And it was only $4 to fix! So I came home and did a nice job of painting all my nails and I just felt so happy.

This morning I woke up and looked at my hands and they looked like shiny little candies at the end of my fingertips and I felt so happy all over again. So then I thought maybe I'd treat myself to a haircut on a whim and I called the girl where I go with crossed fingers hoping she could take me, and I have an appt for later this afternoon. I don't know if I should just get a trim (my hair is below my shoulders) or if maybe I should go for something different and get a bob cut just barely above my shoulders. My husband says no matter what I choose I'll look pretty, so that was really sweet too.

I am hopinghopinghoping that our wedding picture CD comes in the mail today- we got married 5 years ago and we lost the CD and I wanted to make our photo album finally! Our photographer said he put a couple inthe mail for us earlier in the week so with any luck they will arrive today.

I think I'll go to the store and get some pancake syrup and have pancakes for lunch. I am trying not to think about calling the EI place, because I don't want to get all worried and panicky again. It's been a week since they called... oops.

Reading this thread:

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First post ever- zero energy