Hello everyone. I dont really know where to start. I am a 27 year old Mother of one boy, wife of another LOL. I have lived with anxiety and panic since litterally as long as i can remember, and as i can clearly remember quite a bit..even up to the early age of 3 thats quite a long time. Ive never really recieved any help for it. My mother refused to take me to anything besides the family doc as a child, and about freaked when I was diagnosed with "cronic fatigue" and the mention of antidepressents where made. "No child of hers could be depressed" Thanks Mom LOL. After all the mental and physical abuse of my child I couldnt understand how it wasnt expected LOL. but i digress. As a child I had a constant fear of "not being good enough" or "not measureing up" My earliest stepfather demanded perfection and anything less in even the smallest parts of our lives equal out to very steep punnishment. I was constintly reminded that I was a disapointment. As i got older this situation changed, My stepfather was removed from my life, but I think the damage was already done. I constantly felt I wasnt good enough. Sitting in a group of kids at school..i couldnt do anything but imagine what they could be thinking..the horrible thoughts they could be having about me. The thousand of things that could go wrong if I tried to approch someone. Always, I have this stream of thoughts in my background of "what ifs" all of them bad, so much so that i can find myself practically paralyzed at the thought of making a decision. Its like a act of congress to get me to call the the electric company to ask for a days grace..I start to panic, and visions dance accross my eyes of my family freezing to death under a bridge if i cant get the electricity to stay on and possible domino effects that could happen. Driving is my worst issue. I was never comfortable behind the wheel, but after dodging a deer at 17, and rolling a vehicle..nearly killing my best friend and mother..I have had it much worse. I am a darn good driver..the rational side of me knows that. But just thinking of getting behind that wheel can have my chest seizing up..and me hyperventalating to the point of passing out. Yes I have once blacked out behind the wheel after I got hit by a panic attack and didnt pull over fast enough. Somehow i made it to the shoulder. I have no memory of it tho. I can drive..certain vehicles..and on very spacific paths..with absolutely no changes. As an example. My old job, after my husband drove me to work and home everyday for a year and a half I finnally managed to start driving myself..I had to take the exact same route..I could not even switch lanes. And I STILL had panic attacks once or twice a week minimum. That was a 45 minute..nearly straight shot highway ride. I still after living in this city for 5 years..not drive 3 blocks away to the grocery store, docs office, school, library..or anywhere "in town". I have to be driven everywhere. Not so good for my self image. It makes me feel like im a burden on my family, and a failure as a wife, and a mother. I know my family doesnt see it that way..but I cant seem to help it. Im the only one in my family physically able to work to support my family, and its like walking into a nightmare to go to work each day..just to earn minimum wage and still barely skim by with enough food to feed my family every day. I know I am a intelligent women, I am fully capabile of get a job with better hours, and pay. If I could just get to such a job..after landing it. This panic stuff is holding me back from so much in life. Its hurting my family. I need to learn to live with it, to overcome it. And I need to do so without putting others in danger (such as not wanting to black out at the wheel again and possible hurt someone). I have no insurence. I couldnt afford a dollor a month to pay for health care right now (and no im not kidding, we ate beans a rice donated from a church last week, im that broke) but i cant keep putting this off because i cant afford help. So I set out on a search for some self help, something that could help me learn to deal with my panic and anxiety even if its not perfect. Okay sorry for the Ramble.
