Um, thats a good question. I am warning you, this is really long - but you asked why, and here it is.I guess I just always feel like I am going to fall off the edge of the earth.
I have nonverbal learning disability - and I basically have no concept of time. I also have major issues with my internal clock - since I was a baby I had really bad problems with staying awake for 2 days in a row without sleep and then sleeping a long time. I naturally am awake at night, but that doesn't mean I sleep during the day. I don't know left from right naturally - I have lots of problems like this. I'm afraid that I am going to do things that aren't normal in society and get hurt or arrested. Often boarder guards would think I am hiding something, and then when I get accused of something, because of the mild autism (NVLD) I get emotional and I start crying. I have ended up in holding cells for 6-7 hours before they found I was doing nothing wrong. Just for suspicion for getting emotional when asked questions that hit a cord. I am a very honest person, so someone accusing me of lying will make me get upset. I know it's illogical - it's just a reaction I have. So i try and avoid any sort of situation like this. I'm terrified the same will happen with a police officer and I will end up in jail. Or I will do my taxes wrong. Or I will mess up immigration. Or break a law I don't know is illegal. I don't look like I have a disability, and people expect me not to have one. This scares me too.
That makes me really afraid of everything. I don't have anyone to help me with these kinds of things. I also have CFS, and Ulcerative Colitis - which I have been hospitalized for. So I don't know when I am going to get sick or bed ridden. They tried to take out my gallbladder, and wouldn't listen to me when I told them I didn't have problems with it. Because they were doctors and in authority. I really tried hard to stand up for myself, and after the dr's getting very mad at me, they looked harder and realized that I actually had a bowel disorder and they admitted to me that they were just guessing it was my gallbladder from my symptoms. The highest people in society (dr's) just guessing and removing someones organs scares me. How can people in authority be so clueless? This scares me. They really don't know that much about medicine yet and they would do these sort of things without being sure?
I am afraid to make friends - because they always guilt me and treat me badly and attack me when I get to sick to hang out with them. I have trouble being friends with girls, and with guys I always feel pressured sexually. I've been molested before by guys I thought were my close friends. I find people always want me to be someone I'm not. I'm a pretty girl, but I don't care about that - I just want to be seen for my personality. People either want me to stop being a nerd, or stop being pretty. I'm not sure. I really want to play dungeons and dragons, or have people to play video games - but I find nerdy and smart guys don't want anything to do with a girl like me because they associate me with girls that were mean to them in highschool, and now that I want to hang out with them, it's a chance to "show me" but I didn't get pretty until I was older. I was a really fat ugly nerd that got beat up all the time and made fun of. I was proud of who I was anyways, because I only cared about what was inside. Sometimes I make myself gain a bunch of weight on purpose so I can feel more comfortable around nerdy people, but it makes my ulcers worse, and my health worse in general.
I've gotten sued before for being evicted out of a building, ( I stopped paying the rent until they would clean the mold that was rotting the walls ) they evicted me 4 days later, and then sued me for $5000 (after two years!)- saying I just left, making me pay the rest of the term. I didn't have the paperwork anymore for the eviction because so much time went by. I feel the world is out to get me a lot of the time because I am so trusting. I believe people when they say things. Like I believed I was evicted - but it turns out I wasn't evicted, they were just threatening me. I don't understand these kind of social games.
My best friend for 11 years and I just stopped talking. She had fantasies about murdering me all the time and I found her journal talking about how she should be rewarded for not killing me when I was sick in bed after getting back in the hospital because she wanted to smother me with a pillow. She tried to kill one of my cats, and when I got upset at her she beat herself and had crazy wild sex and told the security at this hotel that I was beating her, and told her parents that and they told my mom that. I'm afraid to do anything because people can just lie about you and use it to ruin your life. She slept with my little brother when I went out for the night, and broke his heart on purpose because I told her that I wouldn't sleep with her. He got so depressed, and ended up with skizo - and almost died running naked infront of a moving vehicle.
My dad died when I was 17 - He got sick before he died, and lost his mind. He kicked me out on the street. I don't know - I don't feel like I can trust anyone ever. My dad was my best friend. My husband cheated on me and beat me. My mom got a new BF and barely talks to me anymore because he doesn't like me because I remind him of my dad.
I have severe agoraphobia and sometimes I go three weeks at a time without leaving the house - only ordering groceries online. I am 25 now, and It's been about 6 years of severe agoraphobia - working only from home. But recently I have got afraid even of my email - or checking messenger. I stopped using computers all together for several months, but got the courage to come back online as the only way I can make money is with my computer skills - I have a few online businesses and I built my entire life off of never having to see anyone or talk to anyone in person.
