Hello Sammy, nice to meet you. I am new too, as you might have guessed, not just to this forum but also to the whole concept of talking about my problems. I think in the beginning I only tried to avoid situations, but as time went by, I found that it was other people causing the situations and so I began to just avoid them as well. I haven't dated in many many years and even though I am friendly to people, and call a few rare people "friends," I have been keeping them arms length for a long time. If it weren't for my pushy family I'd probably have just become a hermit alltogether to avoid the stress that other people cause me.
That being said, what I realize now is that I can adjust and readjust my life over and over to suit this disease, but I'm only fooling myself. The panic will morph and change and always find new ways to pester me even if I'm sitting on the middle of a deserted island with noone else around. It doesn't work logically, or thoughtfully, it is simply an irrational method of torturing myself that my brain seems to enjoy.
So I realize that everyone is always extremely helpfull here, and they like to point out that this problem is fixable and that there is light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm not focused on that light yet. I don't want to cure the whole problem right now because I'm not even sure who I am without my panic attacks anymore. For 18 years I've lived in this dark cave of my own mind and rather than jump out of the cave kicking in screaming, I think maybe I can just take a single babystep today and that will lead to a bigger step tommorow.
So just for today, when your inside your house, with the windows drawn and your feeling nervous and scared, maybe just for one minute decide "I'm not going to be scared this whole minute." I don't for a second pretend to know how to help you, because for the most part, I can't even help myself, but yesterday I went in to work saying over and over again, "I can do anything, I'm not scared," and it was a pretty good day for me. Today I did the same thing, and again, it was a pretty good day for me. For the first time I actually called and scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist, and though I'm not sure I'll keep the appointment, it was at least a third step in 3 days. Maybe I'm finally seeing some of that light they are talking about.
I hope you find a little comfort today Sammy.
-Senses