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New and nervous

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 12

Have had ups and downs, dabbled in moderation but prefer to be AF - had a real set back with my hub tonight and started a new thread called help! And I could really use some

Barb

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 421

Hi Dave!

I think the depression is hand in hand with the alcohol abuse. However I think it started with a post birth depression after my second child. I hated my husband/life and we ultimately divorced and I have married again to a wonderful supportive man--he has put up with more than anyone should have. I love him dearly. The Prozac has come and gone from my life but when I started it again after 8 yrs off it, I did so because my drinking was out of control and I was depressed and looking for answers. So, I don't know what to do. I will talk to my dr about it but I'm hesitant to rock the boat so to speak.

As far as counsellors, mine is a nice enough lady. And she does help with dealing with the past abuse I suffered from my ex. But I feel like we are at a stand still. I am dreading going because I feel like it's becoming a waste of time.

I love your idea about dealing with outsiders comments. I'm gonna try it! Thanks!

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1009

Hi ND,

Regarding the serotonin uptake drug, that is something that you need to discuss with you doctor as I'm not qualified to make that recommendation. Alcohol abuse does have a huge impact on serotonin and amplifies anxiety and depression so it is something worth investigating for yourself. Did the depression start before the excess drinking?

As counsellors, they definitely help when you find a good one. Depends if you can afford it I guess. Do you do much journalling ND?

Regarding outsiders commenting on drinking\ non-drinking.....I had that one. I just replied...""Good I guess. I had forgotten about it until you just mentioned it..." and moved casually moved on. They're kind of left thinking "Why did I ask that?"

All the best,

Dave

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 421

Yes moderation is convoluted, I agree. I feel so much better, less irritable, easy going and calm when drinking isn't even in my thought. However last night out of the blue I had a mild craving to sit out on the deck and drink. Made me mad when I mentioned sitting out to my husband and he said well were not drinking. I didn't even realize until then I was craving! Then I got mad inside my head for his seeing thru me. But it passed and all was good. Because as I said I know I cannot drink at my house. It all goes downhill fast for me. And TS where u mentioned a 'jag' but 'not blackout' I have a problem when going it alone/at home and stopping I almost always blacked out and had debilitating hangovers the next day. I can't believe I lived through it. It shocks me when I think about it. Kez--i go to a bad place when outsiders ask me 'how's your drinking/not drinking going". It feels condescending to me. If my husband asks I get defensive and am like do I ever get to live this down? When do u treat me normally? He makes mention frequently, Yet he still thinks I will be able to moderate some day and go back to not having to think about it constantly....I'm still not so sure.

But---back to moderation and occasional drinking....yes it takes a lot of planning to be able to do it. As I said big public events things like that I will probably drink at and be on guard and drink lots of water....but I like to drink alone too and I would have to be hyper careful not to get anxious and paranoid. I know I have anxiety issues and my drinking was a big contributor to those. They are much better without the alcohol bathing my brain.

But, Dave, I do take a serotonin reuptake drug. Started in February. So now that I feel so good (because of lack of alcohol) my question is can I stop that drug? I wonder if I really don't need it and only needed it because of alcohol. Am I making sense? All that said will moderation drinking set off that problem again? I don't know...so circle back around and I'm back at anxious! Jeesh! I have been proud when I have moderated. And didn't crave it the next day etc. so I don't know what strings are tied to what and what sets it off---kind of a chicken or the egg deal!

I do know I love my new life. I'm not going back and am shocked when I do look back. I am lucky to b alive. I feel great with being AF and my AV is pretty quiet (except last nite--and it shut up---and part of why it shut up so fast was I didn't drink all week since last Saturday nite). I have also found myself here on this site when having a tough day.

I am still learning and u all have such great ideas and insight. One more question....at one point I started going to a counselor but haven't Ben since I've been on here and I feel like this site has done more for me than any counselor. I don't want to go anymore--it's expensive too. What are your thoughts?

Thanks!

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 421

Thanks!

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 94

Thanks Dave. And thanks again for providing the food for thought!!!

I am really only in the beginning stages of my journey of understanding and self-acceptance. Still working out many, many a detail.....

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 94

I guess the point I was trying to make was, how long can a person go feeling "unreachable" before they throw in their cards and call it a day? How long can someone continue to abstain from alcohol, particularly when self-care/self- love is labour intensive and seemingly unresponsive? It's a rock and a hard place. And some days can be tough!

On another note... I hope that everyone has a great weekend. Do what makes you feel authentically happy. :)

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1009

Hi Kez,

Everything you said makes COMPLETE sense and it's great that the insights from the article and the subsequent comments resonated with you. It really did with me as well. A really insightful and relevant post Kez. Thank you for sharing.

"because the DRINKING is not in itself the problem. The drinking is the symptom of what's going on underneath......"

That is so true Kez.....

All the best,

Dave

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 94

Dave, thank you very much for sharing that link with us. I became lost in the comments almost immediately.

This week, without much time for details, I found myself in what was, in retrospect, a very disappointing conversation with someone I trust. Someone who I felt should have seen through my words. I found myself being completely negative, pessimistic, hopeless and unable to express what was going on beneath that negativity. NOt the way I usually behave onthe outside. Sure, I was probably just in a depressed mood; I didn't see it coming and it came out of nowhere, but I knew that there was so much going on underneath those words that I just couldn't summarize to express what I was really and truly trying to say. It left me feeling utterly unreachable, alone, misunderstood and beating myself up for sounding so "helpless". And, surprise surprise, craving a bottle of wine to quiet that profound frustration when I got home that evening. One of the questions that was asked was "how is your drinking ?" I gave a vague and uncommitted response, because my head was spinning. And after I'd answered, I felt like there needed to be something more... some kind of follow up.... because the DRINKING is not in itself the problem. The drinking is the symptom of what's going on underneath. I might not be making sense... and I am not explaining myself properly... but long story short, I ended up feeling worse about everything than I'd been feeling previously , because in addition to falling victim to the voice inside my head, I felt alone, misunderstood, and superficial about something that was anything but. Might as well just drink to shut it all off. It's just so very hard, complex, complicated to dissect it all the way it needs to be dissected. Anyway.... reading this extremely intelligent and well-put together post, and all of the profound comments following, was a comfort.

(For the record, on the bright side, I've come back to life and, even if I'm flying solo, I'm doing what I need to do to stay "up" - to keep the demons at bay. Which is good for now until I can find a way to collect my thoughts again.)

I'm not sure if this made any sense... very disjointed... can't wait for some quiet time to read through the link again Dave - thanks.

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1009

Hi all,

Here is a relevant article on the unfortunate situation of Robin Williams and the effect of depression, etc. The comments following the article are excellent and insightful and worth reading for consideration as it relates to our own challenge. Many parallel what I said below in my post about the need to resolve the underlying issues.

http://www.memoirsofanaddictedbrain.com/connect/robin-i-think-we-get-it/?utm_source=Memoirs+of+an+Addicted+Brain&utm_campaign=4364c42fbe-RSS_EMAIL_CAMPAIGN&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_4355f9df26-4364c42fbe-343737989

I hope you find it relevant and useful.

All the best,

Dave

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