Question: What does your mind see and what does your eyes see?
Answer: It is as if I am in a free fall, without the feeling of falling, no control - my mind sees nothing but paralyzing fear. My eyes are searching, franticly, scanning everything around me at hyperspeed, I do not know what I am searching for - it feels sorta of like my mind has no where to land, my eyes are searching - best I can do.
Question: Is your writing what you see when you are going trough a panic attack?
Answer: No. But, I could try. It would only be what I remembered of the panic attack, and, that really is not worth a poem.
I went out today, had to go pick up a check from an account. I put my meds. in my purse, took half of my dose for the day before I left (I have been doing that for the the last couple days, seems to be fine, would never take over the amount of my dose, not to worry) and went on my way.
Well, after driving for about 1 mile, I pulled over. I began feeling a little strange. So, I thought to myself (these are self talks I have learned from you guys) "...you've alreay had probably the worse one you are ever going to have..." - "...remember, you are prone to catastrophic thinking..." - "...start counting your breaths..." - "...you took your meds. before you left the house, they will kick in soon... and, you have some in your purse..." - then, I did something really strange. I pictured this guy at the gas station that I think is pathetically cute, but, needy, and lives by me and was just thinking I could make friends with him and we could fall in love and live happily ever after - then, after all that self talk and mind games, I turned on a radio station in my car I liked and took off. Did not have even the least little bit of panic the rest of the day even to right now - and, I had to interact with different kinds of people throughout the day.
Oh well, I do believe I am making progress. It was interesting that I thought of all of you today while dealing with my panic issue ... I like that.
Thanks everyone,
Maria
P.S. When I came back I saw the guy at the gas station and had no feeling whatsoever - it was just a fantasy.