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14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Well, I'm just back from my fortnightly visit to my therapist.

We had a good discussion about mindfulness practice, and being non-judgmental about myself, and meditation, and cosy warm stuff like that. Then we went on to talk about my lifestyle (health, diet etc.) and - oh dear, if I wasn't depressed before I sure am now.

Appears I'm flirting on the fringes of an eating disorder, and exhibiting attitudes characteristic of an anorexia patient. Also borderline body dysmorphic disorder and general neglect of my body because I just don't value it. I've never been this deep into this side of things with anyone before, and it was a bit of an eye-opener. I just feel a complete, total mess now, and ask myself why my soul ended up trapped inside this body and mind. There's nothing that isn't broken, except my ability to act 'normal', like a little automaton, when I have to.

And my therapist's take on this : 'It's up to you.......'

Undoubtedly true, but less than inspirational.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Goofy, you make me sound like some pompous, pontificating fool, dispensing opinionated 'wisdom' when I condescend to do so.

How well you have come to know me already.

The notion of a paradigm shift, to me, means that I'm standing on new ground, sailing on a new ocean, and I must adjust my expectations of myself accordingly. Maybe celebrate the small things in every day as genuine achievements. Maybe consider myself strong rather than despicable for 'carrying on'. Maybe not mourn what has gone but live with what is here and now, judge more gently or not at all.....

...kind of what must be meant by......

........mindfulness - yes, got back to that, so it can be relevant after all.

Bleurghhh! I sound like a bad Christmas card or one of those revolting 'motivational' posters you see polluting workplaces. Take the drippy language out and hopefully it's clear (sort of) what I'm getting at.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Paradigm shift, interesting concept...

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

pete, after you've cognated on it, give me some of your cognitions on the subject.

Well, I know what you mean about the pleasant activities too. lol, I do shop on line, but I'm too frugal to spend much money. I do buy things to keep from going to stores though and being around people. PLUS I hate shopping and did before the depression.

You know just typing that pisses me off (pardon the language). I mean I felt compelled to qualify that I don't like shopping with "even before the depression". does it really matter that I don't like it now and I did before or that I like it now and didn't before. I always want to relate things in terms of pre and post morbid functioning. I will have to cognate on that one and if by chance, you are so inclined, I'd take a little cognition with that as well.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Mmmm, a paradigm shift. I hadn't thought of it like that. Makes sense as a way to see my mental situation.

I'll have to cogitate on it in my usual overwrought fashion.

And procrastination - boy, that's my middle name. And not only unpleasant duties, but pleasures as well, if they involve just a little bit of effort, like taking my guitar out of its case and plugging it in. Can't be bothered half the time and then spend hours brainlessly surfing the web, and end up buying things online because it's just one click and so easy. The number of instructional books and dvds I have for the guitar you wouldn't believe, and most of them I've barely started using. But its fun when they pop through the letterbox and I can open the packages. If I spent half the time practising the guitar that I spend doing .....er.....nothing very much, I'd be Eric Clapton by now.

Ho-hum.

It's late here in London and I'm rambling. Gotta go to bed.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

No Pete, you are not the only one can't seem to put their focus on purposeful or meaningful activites or even enjoy the activities we used to. It is a paradigm shift. "Think of a Paradigm Shift as a change from one way of thinking to another. It's a revolution, a transformation, a sort of metamorphosis. It just does not happen, but rather it is driven by agents of change. ". I stole that from a website a bit ago, reminding me that my agent of change is my depression and I have to change my thinking. I can't give credit where credit is due - so a bit of plagarism.

Let's see addictive - sleep, sweet tea and cigarettes

Wasteful - sleep, computer, computer, sleep

mindless - I work in landscaping so I don't have to be mentally tired, only physically tired (though it only works to some degree with the depression).

I can't list the things I don't do because of the above list. so to answer you question - no Ppete you are not the only person who finds it hard to make time for creative, useful pursuits. lol, or procrastinate - do you do that too? I'm doing it right now. Procrastinating on doing a number of things, but I got my nap in, and my sweet tea and cigarettes are right here next to the computer. I have a tendency when there are many things to do to feel overwhelmed and not do them instead of doing what I cognitively know to do; break 'em down. Stuff like that rubs me the wrong way....I have the rational thought, I know how to make it happen, I know what I need to do, yet here I sit.

However, I also believe just because I had to have a paradigm shift, doesn't mean I have to give up everything.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

"...I wouldn't greet you (anyone) in the street even if I knew you, I'd try to keep on walking anxiously hoping that we would not have an exchange. If, by chance, you spoke, I'd be polite and as quickly as possible, excuse myself with much relief and the anxiety dissipating" - Goofy, that could be me talking, precisely. That is exactly what I do.

Well, I've got a book on these mindfulness trainings on the way, so I'll read it attentively (which I'm good at) and try to apply the principles to my daily life (which I'm ..... not quite so good at) if I find them practical/congenial. I don't see my therapist again till next Friday (13th) so by then hopefully I'll be able to discuss this stuff with her.

Glad you liked the poetry. I should do more of it, but......can never make the time....

Am I the only person that finds it hard to 'make the time' for creative, useful pursuits but always has plenty for addictive, wasteful, or just plain mindless stuff?

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Hi Pete, Thanks for the compliments. It's not always that I could smile and say thank you without trying to dismiss the compliment in some sort of way.

Nothing to forgive, you are who you are today and there's nothing wrong with who you are today. And lol, I wouldn't greet you (anyone) in the street even if I knew you, I'd try to keep on walking anxiously hoping that we would not have an exchange. If, by chance, you spoke, I'd be polite and as quickly as possible, excuse myself with much relief and the anxiety dissipating. That might give you a glimpse into me. I referred to my self in a post as the "great pretender". So I am fine, ty. lol, I wish, but I am resilient.

It makes me feel good to know that my posts are helpful to you. I haven't read alot about Buddhism. I do know that I was brought up in a religious box. With a rigid, man-made, legalistic view of how things were, are and should be. I've challended the contents of that box and find myself on a spiritual journey towared the same "end" that was contained in the box; however the path to that "end" is between me and whom I worship. I think as adults we do have to challenge those things we were taught - to think outside the box of what was presented to us. Use what we can, discard the rest. Take in new things, constantly challenging. I am always thinking and analyzing, studying and researching (when I can). I think it is a good thing. To hell with those who don't agree (oops on the curse word). Who is to say what the limit is on how much we can think, analyze, challenge?

I have to comment on your blog. I am so glad to hear someone else can appreciate rap and that it isn't all about those things you mentioned. I also love the song that is your motivational video. They are awesome, off to itunes shortly. :)

The poetry is awesome. I will read and re-read. I appreciate your sharing with me(us). I hope you will continue to do so.

I'll comment more when my eyes are not shutting as I type.

Hmmm, I might be rambling a bit! I can't wait to read you poetry in a new light, on a new day.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hey, Goofy, thanks for the wise response.

Hope you can forgive me for the way my posts veer between reason and a wilful, headstrong negativity. At this present moment, I'm in 'reasonable Pete' mode. You could even greet me in the street and I might answer :)

You are right, of course, these are just sensible guidelines for living, and do not have to relate to a spiritual path. So I can put aside my feelings of failure in my spiritual seekings and use them in a purely secular way. They are good values to live by - I just felt intimidated by the somewhat messianic language - took me back to my old struggles to live up to my Bodhisattva vows, which I took too soon and without sufficient commitment. I just think too much entirely, always have, always will. Show me a silver lining and I'll look for the cloud.

There's been no mention of an agreed treatment plan, but I'm perfectly free ( and my therapist has explicitly stated so) to point out when a course of action is not helpful or likely to promote healing. She's being sensitive and smart here - I have told her I was a Buddhist, but not of the feelings of self-doubt and failure that I eventually experienced. So she's finding a course that she thinks I will relate to. It's up to me to point out that it may not be helpful. I'll find more information, probably buy the relevant book (after all, Thich Nhat Hanh is a bonafide Zen master kind of a dude, not a fly by night New Age pseudoguru), and read it with attention. He probably addresses how to apply these principles in day-to-day life. Nice of you to say I have these 'down pretty good'. I'm not really there on some of it. But I would say that, wouldn't I?

You really want to read some of my ramblings? I'm complimented. I'm happy to share - just don't expect Walt Whitman. I'll bung a poem or two in my blog.

I seem to be relying on your support a lot, Goofy. So how are you??

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Pete, I'd love to see some of your writings, if you'd care to share them. Sometimes, we post stories and/or poetry on our blogs or in the posts. Not trying to push the issue, just saying if you care to share, would be interesting in reading.

As for the simplified version of those guidelines for living, I bet it's not a slogan for you, it's a way of life. From your other posts, it seems you have those down pretty good. It matters not what spiritual path that a person follows or that they follow a spiritual path at all - those are just good values to live by....what do you think about that take on them?

I will be curious as to your therapist response as she seemed to take something you said in your history and pull it forward. I still would ask her how it relates to your current treatment goals. Oh, I don't know about there, but here, a therapist has to provide a copy of treatment plans to an indivdual and the individual has to sign and agree to them. Just curious, how about there?

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