Well a few days have gone by. I have two half rows left to weed. Spinach, chard, kohlrabi and some radishes. Then it gets easier. Very little hand picking. Mostly hoe work after that. I must say I got rather anxious when I first started. I mean it has been over a week of picking out weeds by hand, day after day. I was going to make lasagne today but put it off till tomorrow. I do like lasagne. I have Basil that needs picking and oregano too. Karin asked how I handle the slowdown when winter comes. Well I hope to make things in my shop. Richard has some blocks of wood with a pattern I can have for my lathe.
Going to be hot the next few days so maybe it will push the flowers to open. They are slow this far north. Like me, they are just getting by.
Ran out of steam a few feet shy of finishing the onions. There seem to be around seven hundred. It seems like a lot but I like onions and they keep all winter, beside I will have ate some before harvest as I do with the potatoes too and the carrots and beets.
Anyway that is beside the point. There is a wet spot at the bottom of the garden with just a bit of standing water about ten feet from where I sat weeding. Sparrows were having a bath in it without a care in the world. Singing away on the fence drying off. Swallows were flying over the pond. Reminds me that I still have to hook up the fountain. It never ends. But at least it doesn't cause stress. All and all another good day.
As my friend Juanita said, she is going to have a good day because she wants to. It still works for her years after she first used it.
Determination and just plain wanting to have overcome the difficulties of trying to do things with a physical disability, I don't need a mental one on top. But I have one don't I. I have an anxiety disorder that I'm managing to neutralize with a number of CBT techniques, mostly subconscious now since I have had a lot of practice. It has gone beyond getting by to living again. The world around us is only as beautiful as we make it. And I missed a lot of it to this disorder, I have a lot of catching up to do.
Perfectly clear sky today so it is going to be hot. More coffee (yes I can drink coffee again) and get at it before it gets too hot. Sun burnt is not my favourite colour.
Birds are singing, they are happy, why should I not be too.
Today was hot, not California hot but hot enough to get sunburnt. Started the day pulling up quack grass by the green house wall. Then weeded a flower bed. Made bread and three pies during the hottest part of the day. Watered when it cooled and ended the day at nine, weeding onions. About a quarter of them, half a row about 150 onions. A good start anyway. Tomorrow will be even hotter. It would be nice to finish the onions. Rain for Tuesday. Some time soon I need to finish the buried power line at the bottom of the garden so I can use it.
Having had panic attacks I have the potential to have more when stress or fatigue comes knocking. That unwanted negative solution is still there. So this morning I really had to work to keep it at bay. That old negative demon was sitting on my shoulder saying why bother, it would be easier to do nothing. I didn't fight it but rather took some time to reason why that thinking was wrong. It took a bit of time but then I went out and did what I knew I really wanted to. There are those key words again, wanted too instead of the negative thought I started with, have to. Even though I had a choice so have to wasn't really a fact. And I'm glad I did because I actually got some things done that could have been chores if I let them. Physically today was not an easy day with lots of short rests. Mentally it was great because of the accomplishments. More ways to get by. More ways to make a chore an actual enjoyment. If this is just getting by then so be it, I'm proud that I can control the situation rather than let it control me. Strawberries are mulched with peat moss, grass around the pond is mowed. Mower broke right at the end and I don't care. Tilled around the green house and did some weeding and now I'm going out to water to finish off the day. It is cold and windy but that will pass. There is a movie and a cup of tea waiting for me when I come in. Tomorrow I start weeding the big garden or if it is raining then weeding greenhouses. All is still on schedule and I'm still having fun. Any anxiety from the morning is gone.
My friend has chronic fatigue so I have been reading on it. I never realized that short term memory loss and cognitive malfunction were part of it. What can appear as unconcern or attention deficit are actually symptoms of this disease.
So it is up to me to repeat myself and explain things better. This is hard for me because I have very good cognitive function. I'm very good at searching associated memory for solutions at speed and didn't realize that most people don't do this. So I used to just do things rather than delegate and have to explain process.
So it is outside today to weed more. Definition of a weed is a plant growing in an area where it is not wanted. I have lots of those.
As luck would have it there is a piece missing but I can make it if I can't find it. Then it is done and I can get on to something else.
Today I was so sore I could hardly put one foot in front of the other without losing balance. It passed so tomorrow should be okay. It could get very depressing if I let it since I did not get the tilling done I wanted to. I'll try again tomorrow if it doesn't rain too bad. I don't take the heat and today it was quite hot for me. I did get some tractor mowing done and for what it is worth it looks better. This fall I want to move two flower beds closer. They are not doing very good where they are. There is no shortage of things to do. Tomorrow Karin has an appointment so can get me some peat moss and bone meal while she is in town. Tomorrow I have to switch to two different sprinklers too.
Busy busy. It seems to keep the anxiety away though. And that is a good thing.
I actually got some lawn mowed and some strawberries weeded. Decided we will mulch them with peat moss. And plant buckwheat between the rows. Rows are pretty far apart. Some of them died. Three varieties and one is doing good one okay and one poor. Thing is the felt pen washed off the row markers so we don't know which is which. Might be able to tell from the fruit. But right now it looks like we will replace some with runners from the better plants.
It was raining this morning so I put drawers together then we went to town. Mowed lawn and weeded till the mosquitoes got bad then put together another piece of IKEE screw together furniture. It's not that bad of stuff, just nothing you would hand down. Sort of stuff stores sell, nothing like I would build if I had the time. I do have the tools. It is functional and that is the main thing. Almost hit a moose today when it ran out in the road. It fell down trying to miss us but was back eating in the ditch when we drove away. Saw a deer and fawn on the way home.
One piece of furniture to put together and that is done. We can have the kitchen back. Have to bring in the table and put the legs back on it. Just more getting by. For some reason I don't mind though. It fills the day and I need that.
Good for my peace of mind.
Weather is supposed to improve so I'll probably spend more time outside where I prefer to be. I have a wedding present to build on my lathe one of these rainy days. But there is time for that.
Some times getting by is the best a person can hope for. And it may not seem much but it is better than constant anxiety or panic attacks out of the blue. So what ever you can do to get by can actually lead to a more peaceful relaxed life. Acceptance that things don't always go as planned helps. I'm losing time doing things I need to rather than things I want to. But I'm not actually wasting time. I'm only putting furniture together when I can't be outside. I pushed pretty hard to get the garden in knowing this would happen. There are only a couple of days of this left then it is back to what I want to do. The change might actually be good. Anything to keep the demons away. They are still in my memory but I'm getting pretty good at keeping them there.
So my tea break is over and I will get shepherds pie ready for the oven and then go work outside before it rains again.
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