Eyes can heal very fast and mine seems to have.
Yesterday I got up feeling like I was not going to get anything done, it was the residual effects of my break in routine for the surgery so I took the day off and went to Jasper with Karin. She had an appointment, I just wanted to drive through the mountains. I would not have gone if I couldn't drive. It was exhilarating, everyone driving too fast and jockeying for position. The way driving should be. Exciting. There was construction that we got stuck in and I rolled the window down and talked to people. Karin's car has Ontario plates on it and at one point a fellow told me how much we were going to enjoy BC and the border was only 45 minutes away. Not knowing we live there. On the way home we passed through a village out of the way and had supper at a restaurant we had not been to before. I don't like restaurant food but the atmosphere was okay except for a screaming kid.
Cara, it can be like this. It will be too if you quit forcing yourself. There is a Genie that can cure you, unfortunately he lives with a cruel cousin and they both reside in your mind. The cruel one says you have to do this and reminds you every time you do how hard it will be. He is bigger and meaner than the good one who is trying in the background to help you by saying make everything you do happy and interesting. Try to listen to him and ignore his mean cousin.
Unfortunately he is very persistent so you actually have two challenges here. one is to actually physically drive which we know you can do and the other is to push this cruel Genie aside and listen to the good one. He is trying to help.
It works like this, approaching the car concentrate on how good it can be. The cruel Genie will walk with you and try to tell you it won't be. Ignore him, you know it can and has been very good. As you drive, you know he is going to ride along bugging you. Tell him to get lost. Does this sound like a silly game. Well what it is, is putting a name to the problem so it is less scary. It gives you something you can deal with instead of something you don't understand and it gives you someone you can prove yourself to. You can tell that Genie riding along that you can do it and that he is wrong. You can also tell that poor little Genie in the back seat how hard you are trying.
The object of all of this is to end the drive thinking how good it was and how much it will be next time, because that memory will be with you the next time you drive.
Forcing yourself just proves the bad Genie is right, that you don't want to do this and that you are scared and have to.
Don't listen to him, look for his little good cousin in the background with the weak voice that keeps telling you that you can do this, that you want to do this and that you can actually enjoy this. You are allowed to enjoy it, it shouldn't be a chore and right now that is what it is. A chore.
What this Fairy tale is about is changing thought patterns. The Genies are just thought patterns and you are using the wrong ones right now. But the ones you are using are bigger and stronger than the ones you need to change to. You can do this, it is no harder than forcing yourself to drive and a whole lot more pleasant.
As a distraction and coping skill dress the genies and make them real. I see the mean one as big, fat dressed all in black with a beard and very dark eyes. The good one I see as small, still growing in bright cloths that seem to large for him. I will help him grow into them by listening to him. The fat one I will starve. This is visualization. Giving body to a though to make it easier to grasp. It works in many ways and isn't crazy even if it seems so.
I remember saying to my bad Genie (he didn't have a name or form then) "you want to drive, you can drive" and realizing he can't. He can only comment and that I can ignore. I am in control. That is important.
Davit.
All part of "getting by" till it isn't necessary. And one day it won't be necessary.
The sun is out even though it is cool, I'm going to pick apples today.
