" It's such a lovely day today" but no sunshine. Oh it is up there making the mountains pink this morning. But so is a lot of cloud. More snow please. Sorry hugs, but I have a tractor to move it and want it for the flower beds.
I'm going to make some bread today. Nothing special, just the same bread I usually make. I have to rummage through the freezers too and find the pumpkin. And I really want to make a rhubarb pie. It has been years. I could make some cherry too. It is all in the freezer waiting.
Thinking about years past when I had everything I needed for a meal growing right here including a big roasting chicken. It was a great life, but I got old and can't do it anymore. Such a pity. Still it is a good memory. Even had a real tree.
The good old days weren't necessarily better just that they were possible. So time changes all. Now I buy cornish hens at ten dollars each. And here comes the sun. It is going to be a fine day.
Here is something for you to look up. Keinbocks disease. I had it in both wrists. This I'm afraid is worse than carpal tunnel.
I have all the tendons to close my hands but half of the ones to open are broke. I can pick up things like cans and jars but can't let go. A real big nuisance.
I dropped a mug, and broke it while watching dishes, and broke the shower wand while bathing. There's a strong possibility I'll be getting carpal tunnel surgery in the new year, since these hands have seen better days.
Today I saw something I've never seen before. There are a couple of large yellow jacket nests on my porch and birds are picking them apart for the wasps that are dormant. I'm rather glad I never destroyed the nests now.
I'm very slowly doing some baking today. It is a nice day even if it is overcast.
Sitting here with a cup of tea watching the snowflakes coming down. So many things I have negative memories of but not snow. There have to be some. If all my memories were like this there would be no need for anxiety. Or is it just that all that CBT is working still even though it doesn't need to. Well now would be a good time to do a little thought exposure. What can I think of that causes me anxiety. How about my future three hour trip for surgery. Today would be bad with the roads ice and fresh snow on top. But I'm not going today. Well this isn't going to work, because I keep coming up with solutions to the problem that are positive. Where are the negative scary ones. I thought about all that can go wrong, even stupid things but they have no effect. I keep going back to positive things. Or for the most part neutral. Even last night when I thought about some times I was very unhappy. The most I get is that it is over or that It won't likely happen again. Worst I seen to get is that it wasn't that bad. Now that is a lie. I know it was bad. And I know I had no say in it. Don't get me wrong, it is there, I can see it in full colour but it has no fear attached. This I believe is how it is supposed to be but still it surprises me. Even the Ativan never worked this good.
In the last couple of days I have had situations that should have triggered panic but don't. They just trigger positive solutions. This is far beyond the eighty percent free that let me function. Far beyond the norm for normal people.
Okay, is the snow triggering a positive attitude that won't let me access negatives. If so then lets see if I can use this to do some things I don't want to do today. Some things that would normally bring up the negatives. I might actually get something done today. I might actually want to. There are those words again, "want to".
If you can find it, there is a movie about autism called Temple Grandin. We are not autistic but share a few similarities you might notice. We are more than average intelligent, which means we can draw more things out of memory for every situation. We are persecuted for being different because our disorder is not understood. Mostly by people too stupid to understand. But mostly, if a person can overcome Autism and function in the world there is no reason we can not overcome our disorder. And we can, I'm proof.
Yesterday was a bad day with high blood pressure and I just could not get mobile. So although today my blood pressure was okay there was still a feeling of anxiety. Hold over from yesterday. That is so tiring. But I wanted to go to the library today so I did. That being the only necessary stop. The bank and the hardware being optional even though I wanted to do them too. Which I did. All simply because I wanted to. Screw have to. I don't have to do anything if I don't want to. Not exactly true but I don't mind lying to myself if it will keep the anxiety away. And truth be known since I really want to be able to just do things when I want to it works. No ore forcing myself because I have to. Only what ifs today were because the highway is slippery and some sidewalks. But those are necessary what ifs. No one wants to be wheels up in the ditch. No unnecessary what ifs annoying me. No thoughts of I don't want to be here.
See how many "want to's" in this post. Want to gives me control. So even though today was a have to day I made it a want to one.
I have to replace the headlight covers on my car or not drive at night at least till I get the cataracts fixed. The road was bare so I figured I would be okay to go to the store. My headlights are pretty scratched but I could still see the lines on the road pretty good and it is only 18 Km there. No snowfall warnings. As I leave the store it starts to snow. Big wet flakes that stick together. I can't see the edges of the road, everything is a white sheet. I took a back road half way but very slow. Back on the highway there were enough tracks to follow now that it was okay, but it still took 45 minutes to get home. I hope I'm not dumb enough to do that again. Any way I'm home now, car is in the garage and I did get what I wanted for cookies so tomorrow when it is packed and glare ice I won't have to go out.
I was on the phone, talked for five hours on speaker phone so I ran out of day light. We do that, just put it on speaker phone and do what we are doing and gab away. Catch up with the latest, send a few pictures, trade some information. Both of us are retired, we can do that.
So I guess today was a good day again. Chicken for supper.
Actually I hope the road is okay tomorrow, because I want to go get my microwave. If not, it can wait.
Woke up to a light dusting of snow and more coming down. Just small flakes but pretty all the same.
Lit the stove and made a coffee. I don't have to go anywhere today so I can enjoy the snow. And I intend to sit for a while with my coffee and do just that. Tomorrow I will wade through it to the car but right now it is a thing of beauty. I don't know when the negative thoughts I used to have started. I suspect it was when life started getting hard. Wore out joints and sore muscles. I stopped seeing the beauty. All I saw was the struggle. That has changed. Now I see the accomplishment. What little I manage now is to be proud of.
The snow really is pretty. The little flakes racing each other to rest on the trees and the ground making everything clean and white. Later there will be tracks in it to show where animals have been. Now this is bringing back memories of other winters and other snows. They lead back to a better time, a time worth replaying. A time I'm glad I lived.
The struggle to think positive had been hard and long but worth it. Without negative thoughts I don't jump at every thought. I don't wake up tense and sore. And I can enjoy being me more.
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