So here we are ten days later and it is melting again. It even rained a bit.
I Wish I could change my physical condition as easy as the weather.
I wish I could change it as easy as my mental condition.
Once I set my mind to it and once I accepted that it was going to be a whole different way of thinking than what the world requires I was on the road to recovery. Of course since with my physical disability I had to live a whole different way than I was used to so it wasn't that hard to adapt a different way of thinking. Still accepting that the mind works faster than this computer I'm typing on was a bit tough. But once I thought about it, it became obvious that with all the changes the body makes every second the mind had to just to survive. Conscious thought is just a fraction of it's capability. All movement just a fraction. Sorting all that is happening around me just a fraction. The memory bank used to make decisions alone had to be huge and fast to make split second decisions.
So where did it go wrong. It didn't. It used the information over a life time to make decisions. And those decisions led to an anxiety disorder and once the flood gates were open there was no stopping it. All this information stored for years was suddenly available. A forbidden door was open. All others were closed. Like trying to close the doors on a closet when the shelves collapse. You can't, first you need to rebuild the shelves stronger than they ever were and then you have to put every thing back. Only this time you have to put what you want at eye level and what you don't want but may need in the back. Not gone just not handy.
Pills are just like taping the door half shut. Nothing can get out but you can't take anything out either. Rebuilding the storage is still the answer. And that takes time. No light weight shelving and braces just waiting for a collapse but steady rebuilding with the right material. And proper sorting, get it right the first time.
I learned the hard way there are no short cuts. Change really means change. Permanent change not just for today and tomorrow we can go back. There is no going back. You can remember and you can look back but your feet have to keep moving forward. And if it is too hard then go back or take the pills but you will be missing out on all you could be. It at least can be fixed unlike my Arthritis, but I'm working on it and if nothing else fixing the mental side has made the physical side a whole lot easier to live with.
Do I ever think it isn't worth it? Yes probably some time every day, difference is I know that it is wrong. I believe it is worth it and that is the key to happiness. I didn't always understand and I didn't always believe.
Davit.
