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Where do I begin?

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1071

Hi Steve,

Cedolya brought up some great insights as you said. Not feeling good enough is called a Negative Core Belief. It's something that is not true about yourself, but you believe it, just because someone said it once. Usually in childhood we pick up these false beliefs. I had the same negative core belief, that I'm not good enough. The other one was, I'm not smart enough. I had a third grade math teacher tell me I was stupid in math and I would never understand it. I lived with that stigma until I found this site. Challenging negative core beliefs is the way to overcome them. Also, you are right about fear being a learned behavior, which is good news, because you can unlearn it. I picked up a lot of fears and phobias from my Mother. And, with the coping skills I've learned from this site and with the help of this support group, I've overcome many of them. You're well on your way Steve. Understanding the reasons why, really helped me overcome a lot of challenges. When I learned the truth, I was able to take control over anxiety and not let it control me :)

Shari

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 22

You make a great point, cedolya! You helped me see that the things I have avoid on my list may have common roots with other items on my list. For instance my avoidance of attractive women is rooted in my fear of rejection or not being liked. My avoidance of decorating is rooted in my fear of being harshly judged... or again not being liked. My fear of spiders is rooted in being conditioned to be afraid of spiders by imititating my father when I was a kid. Same with the ticks. Thanks for reading and pointing this out for me.

I was actually second-guessing myself about posting the list, but now I am glad I did!

THANKS!

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4

Hi Steve,

It seems to me you are in the doing well. Finding the right progression is very important.

However, I believe that nother major issue is also to understand why you want to avoid such situations.

I it is exaclty the same fears behind avoidance of attractive woman and christmas decoration or spiders?

You don't have to share it here if this is too private and I certainly don't want to be intrusive. Just think it can be good for you to wonder "what is the worst scenario".

Good luck!

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 22

Thanks, Ashley and Shari. You're giving me a lot of great feedback and insights that are most helpful!

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11215

Thanks for posting this Steve!

You have already received some great advice from Shari. I like what Shari said about how to set your first goal. Also, consider you won't want to start at a fear level that is too high - the program will talk more about this as you continue. You might also want to set a goal that is most resonant for you - which goal when thinking about it makes you excited (and scared of course) to get started?

It also looks like we are at the perfect time to address one of your "avoided at all costs" fears - Christmas Decorating. Timing is important to consider as well...

Be sure to share your goals with us once you decide!

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1071

Hi Steve,

This is certainly the time of the year to get exposure to some of the things on your list :) I can relate to the germs, because my Dad was a Microbiologist. On his first date with my Mom, he said, "You wouldn't eat that ice cream, if you knew what was in it." So, you can imagine the struggles I've had with that :) I still have issues with it and I think some are normal. If the cashier is hacking up a lung, I will move to another register where the person appears to be healthy. I think that's just common sense.

I would tackle the issues that bother you the most, to the the issues that bother you the least, unless it's too stressful, then you may want to reverse it and work your way up to the bigger stuff. I know - that didn't help at all :) See what works for you.

I've found with all of my exposure work, that I would just "do it" and use positive self talk to get through it. If something was too much for me, one day, I would tackle it another day when I felt stronger.

I really really like that you used past tense, because I really believe in the power of words and the self fulfilling prophecy. I always tell myself, just as much as something bad can happen, something good can happen also, and it does. It's good to be positive and replace the negative. It does effect you having a more positive experience.

I think you're doing great and you have a great list and I know you will conquer it! One thing I told myself was, that there are no set backs, just push through's, so if I had an off day, I shrugged it off and then it was easier the next time.

I'm really proud of you Steve, you're doing such a great job! Your successes are encouraging and inspiring to me and everyone else, I'm sure. I look forward to hearing all of the great progress you are making. You are a valuable asset to our group.

Shari

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 22

So, I have started Week 4. I find it amusing that my anxiety has been improving since I have started CBT (my fear ratings have been lowering), while I have been taking life as it as come to me, but now I am going to actively put myelf in anxious situations. Here's to taking 1 step backwards and 2 steps forward... it's still progress and I am excited. However, I am unsure where to begin in setting a goal.

The advice and examples in the tool box are great, but they don't apply to me. I feel like I need a goal that is more specific to me and more "narrowed down". So, I made the list that follows. I have worded everything in past tense, as if I had written the list after successfully completing exposure. I am hoping that "self-fulfilling prophecy" will take full effect.

Anyway, I am sharing my list in the hopes that it could help others in setting their goals, but also to see if anyone has done exposure work in any of these areas. I would love to hear what steps you have taken.

Also, I'd like to know what people think in terms of how I should choose my first goal(s). Everything on this list has had a negative impact on my life. I am guessing I should focus on those that have had the most impact professionally and socially. Thoughts?

Anyway, here's my list...

SITUATIONS I USED TO AVOID

AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS
* Christmas decorating
* Wooded areas/long grass/brush
* Poison Ivy or anywhere it might grow
* Spiders
* Ticks

AVOIDED FREQUENTLY
* Dancing (especially ballroom/partner dancing)
* Pretty/attractive women
* Authority figures (people in positions of power)
* Parties, social groups (when by myself)
* Adults in social situations (i.e. parties… when by myself)
* Men in social situations/parties (outside of Masonry)
* Touching or dealing with (in any way) anything that might have germs (toilets, raw meat, chewed gum, dirty diapers, etc.)
* Pools
* Beaches
* Sand (anywhere… sandboxes, beaches, etc.)
* Staying in one job for longer than a year (on average)
* People with mental-health issues (developmentally disabled, autistic, bi-polar, etc.)

AVOIDED OCCASIONALLY
* Parties (when accompanied by someone)
* Adults in social situations (i.e. parties… when accompanied by someone)
* Kids (when having to care for them)
* Family members
* Social/group events for someone else’s benefit (ex-spouse’s work parties, etc.)
* Work/projects in which I might mess up (painting, do-it-yourself projects with home or car, extra/high-profile projects at work)
* Tasks that seem too overwhelming or too “long-term”

FELT STRONG SENSE OF AVOIDANCE, BUT DID NOT SUCCUMB
* Job applications
* Interviews
* Any situation in which I may be “rejected”
* Public speaking

THANKS FOR READING!!!

~Steve

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