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Anger and disperation

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1153

Sheba, It's important for you to be happy and figure out what you want from this relationship and your life. Continue to work through the program and focus on the Assertive Communication skills so you can openly express yourself to your boyfriend.

Brenna, Bilingual Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 185

I think that something is changing. Today he surprised me with a new story he has written. And before our discussion he told me that he doesn't want to participate to leterary contests anymore etc. I hope that he starts doing somenthing instead of waiting.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Sheba,

Have you out right asked him if he wants to, or is willing to, challenge his fears?

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Sheba,

I'm sorry your guy is being so spoiled. We'd all like 100% security, I know I would. However, real life doesn't work that way and sometimes you need to take chances in order to have a quality to your life. I don't know a way around his phobia of risk, maybe someone else does and could reply with a suggestion.

I just wanted to let you know that I care about your dilema and am wishing the very best for you.

Take Care Sheba and keep us informed

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 185

We managed to have a little bit of real talk. But I don't know if he will ever be ready to have a situation that doesn't offer a 100% security for him. He wants all and for sure. In the real life this is impossible. I know he loves me but is afraid to leave home and the security of home. Th problem is all in his mind. He behaves like a little child. And makes me unsure. I need to know that he is willing to challenge his fears so we can go to live together. I don't ask him to go now but I need to know that he really wants to do it.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

I understand your impatience perfectly. I'm having some of that myself in my marriage. I'm not good with handling my emotions when decisions are pending or there are issues to be resolved. Everything I read says it takes time and time is my worst enemy as far as anxiety and depression goes. I could be a lot less of both if I just had answers.

But enough of that, that's why I'm here and you too. We must learn to wait and not be anxious or depressed, we mut learn to control the negative thoughts that create our situation of urgency to resolve things now. The sessions are my hope to learn to do this effectively. So do your best and learn about you in the process. Things will work themselves out in time.

Take Care

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 185

It is not an easy task. We thought too at a neutral place. But the problem is the house. We both have the house and to go in a third place maybe to rent a home is not really a great financial choice. Another idea will be to work together and try to stay flexible enough to travel from my place to his.

I think that only future will tell.

The big problem is that am not a very patient person and I can't manage very well the waiting thing.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Sheba,

Great to hear from you and it's good to find that you and your love have been talking. The issues you bring up are not easy ones to deal with. One of you will need to make a concession or sacrifice to be together in either place. Have you thought of being together somewhere else? A neutral place that can be beneficial to you both.

I understand that he is attached to his family, but the idea is for his attachment to you to take precedence. Unless you are willing to whole heartedly join his family and live with them in your life everyday.

I don't know how hard it would be for your guy to learn another language. This may really be a scare for him.

This is why a neutral place better suited to your dreams, perhaps within traveling distance to his family and where learning another language is not necessary. (If this place exists) Sometimes it's better to both make concessions instead of one person doing so. It alleviates the feeling that one gave more than the other that can arise later in the relationship.

Only a suggestion Sheba. Ultimately you both will need to ask the hard question of "What you are willing to do to be together?". Does your need to be together outweigh the obstacles and what are you/he willing to give up in order to remove the obstacles? Once you truthfully answer these you will be able to decide the right course for your relationship.

Keep talking and working on it. Much luck to you both!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 185

We talked a lot this days but he is still afraid. I think that the only thing I could do is to let him came along with me. But has to be his decision.

I know that he loves me but is afraid... is not easy to deal with.

The real problem is that he wants me to came to live with him (but in southern Italy the things are not looking very good like now - here is full economic crisis) and I wants him to came with me. In Bucharest we'll have real chances to have a good life. But: problem no 1: language, probl no 2. his attachment for his parents, his need to have a stable job (he wants a public job).

On the other part here in South Italy, yes he have some income but I will be blocked... in the sense that is nearly impossible to follow my dreams here. To go on and do natural language processing I need to be near an university.

So.... HEEELP!!!!!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Sheba,

I'm sorry to hear that you didn't get a resolution to your dilemma. Relationships can be very difficult and sometimes it's hard to really say how we feel. Communication is a huge part of a relationship but it sounds like your boyfriend is so hung up on his wants and "needs" that he is unable to make room for yours.

I am unsure what his deal is but for someone to not work on "us" when asked to deserves to have some questions asked.

What are his priorities? Are they logical and really inescapable, or are there viable options but he refuses to consider them?

You've already stated your feelings and they don't sound like good ones. You have said that you can talk to this person, but does he meet your needs? Is he more of a friend than a lover? A lover will jump at the chance to improve the us part of things. A friend doesn't really need to do as much. Are his excuses valid or are they to manipulate you into doing what he wants? Lovers compromise and will attempt some understanding of the other. Excuse me if I've stepped out of line, but you seem like a bright and talented person who deserves a little more consideration than what you are getting.

Just being a Mom again, let me know how you are doing. Take care of you!!

Mom of 3

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Anger and disperation