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Anger and disperation

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 185

We talk a little but he tried to avoid the discussion. Tellin me that I'm cold and that I on't understand him and that he definitevely refuses to do something for us. That he cannot live home for variuos motives. No real motive in fact but only because he is afraid of growing up.... I don't know what to do... I know only that I'm feeling alone....

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1288

Wildcat, When one is codependant, they more often then not feed off of others needs. There is no standard, and actions/reactions can vary from person to person. Communication problems are also common. A feeling of avoidance to ones own feelings and emotions can be exhibited.
Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 185

I'm trying to help him but often he ends behaving like a child (a spoiled one). As for the goals he would like to became a writer. And to publish but he is afraid of failure. So he prefers to do nothing. I'm pushing him but also I'm afraid to push him too hard.

He has a really rich personality and maybe this is one of his traits that attracted me in the first place. We share feelings and thoughts but he has some fixed and inflexible ideas. And those are the main problem. As for me I know I'm too lunatic. I'm a dreamer and often I go against any logic but this is me.

I like taking risks and he doesn't like risks at all. He needs stability but at the same time he has an adventurous spirit. So he end often with an internal fight.

When we are together we understand each other without the need to speak. And we also speak a lot. But his fears are driving me crazy. Sometimes he tells me that I should find another companion because he is afraid that he will never get better. But he doesn't want to get better he wants to do very well. Better doesn't have any meaning to him....

I have to fight two days with him to get his promise that he will go to speak to some editors. Buthe want only the biggest....

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Breanne,

there was a side topic somewhere about co-dependancy. And what I was writing sparked a wild fire of ideas. The one question that burned was... When a person is codependant do they shut the communiction aspect of the relationship and only listen to the other's needs, desires and goals? Does a person want to communicate but nolonger is able to express themself?

Sheba,

Do both of you talk about how you appreciate each other? appreciate the attention and little acts of kindness? do you share the visions of your dreams- and how to get there ? Do you detail longterm plans? Nature, adventure, reading are all great activities to do together; but if your career goals mean 5 to 10 years of 60 hours of work a week 48 weeks a year ... it is possible that a big rift opens up. The love of nature might be a source of conflict if one person is happy with a walk in the park during the week and camping once a year... and the other refuses to wear leather, is a vegan, and spends four or five days a year in prison because of certain protests to defend animal rights.

OK these are big personality extreems ... but my idea is to discuss the intimate emotions. It is in here that you will under stand the whys... Why is he afraid of the future - what does he see? what can you do together to sooth this anxiety? ... why does he need so much future centainty to the sacrifice of the pleasures of living the moment? Why is he do either white or black... and you see life in full colour?

It is in the intimacy that we learn about the true colours of our partner and work as a couple through life.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Sheba,

I just read your post and am concerned about some of the things you said. I agree with the questions that Wildcat asked. What are you getting from the relationship and are you satisfied? I believe that you love this person and consider him special, but from what you are saying he doesn't compromise very much in order to be with you.

Breanne is right you do need to talk with him about these things. If he'll let you help him with his depression and fears it would be a very positive step. It sounds like this must happen in order for the two of you to move ahead with your relationship.

Whatever you decide to do I hope you are successful. I also hope that he is open and receptive to what you have to say, especially since he's special to you.

Mom of 3

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

If his big problem is his fears, then that is exactly what you two need to talk about. If he doesn't understand that there is a gray area, maybe that is something you two can work on together, something that you can help him understand.

It is great that you two are able to share so much, that is something extremely positive, and you should try to build upon that.

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Mom of 3,

Could you please clarify what you mean when you asked if part of the usual sharing of self cut or non existant in a co-dependency?

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 185

We share really a lot: the love for nature, adventure, reading, talking... everything. Even the love for informatics and the need of independence.

The BIG problem - his fears.

He is afraid to talk about future, to live his home (this is a characteristic of Italian males)

He wants guarantees in all.... and in the actual world this is impossible. He wants to have all or nothing in life. He doesn't understand that between black and white are billions of shades of grey. He doesn't accept those....

And aver all is hard headed (a lot)....

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

sheba,

does this relationship satisfy you? Yes, the gentleman is special but are you feeling loved, appreciated, and supported? A long term relationship is built on strong foundations and love is not the only quality that needs to be shared.

I know that love and attraction are powerful emotions but eventually they fade to leave place for friendship, humor, support, even a gentle possesiveness ... etc. I have been with my best-friend and husband for a while now and our relationship grows stronger with the years. We have a "complicite" in a lot of what we live through so communication, goals, and projects are easily discussed.

So Sheba, that is why I ask ... what do you share with this special person? How do you share and exchange information about yourselves ?

(Oh this reminds me... is part of the usual sharing of self cut or non existant in a co-dependancy ? Mom-of-3, Moderators)

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Sheba,

When you do see him this week, I think that this will be a great opportunity to discuss your hopes, fears and desires regarding the future. A great way to prepare for this would be to create a list of topics you would like to talk about with him, this will help to make you feel more confident about the situation when the time comes. Also, dont be afraid to express yourself and be honest with him.

Be sure to re read any exercises pertaining to relationships, you may find them helpful.

Hope this helps,

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

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Anger and disperation