m,
In hear you about the being disgusted that this is still happening to you after you worked the program and did so well with it. I don't know, but I think you just have to keep working it again and again. I'm sad for you, because I understand, I feel like that too. I've worked very hard to get this monster tamed, but every now and then for some reason, this time because I tried to quit smoking and messed up the chemicals in my brain...it rears it's ugly head, and throws me way off balance. Sometimes, it's a stress thing that triggers it for me. For you this anniversary, but whatever the reason, you have to be patient, and do the best you can with the tools you have. I find that sometimes, just breathing is a chore. At those times, I curl up on the couch and try to sleep. It's my way to escape, and for me it works for a time, until the pain subsides.
I think staying positive, and remembering that you have gotten through this before, and you will again, and yes acceptance that it's not your fault and you can't control how you feel, but you can control how you think. It's not a step backwards, it's a process, and each time we go through it we learn something.
I really hope you feel better soon m.
Laura
