very correct, its not situations that cause my anxiety its the negative thought patterns I have become to believe to be true rules of my life!
as a 16 month baby I was left in an isolation bubble with suspected small pox, this is where I learnt fear and anxiety, my early years were spent to and from doctors with an undiagnosed blood virus which caused all over body sores,( 4 to 5 times a year)
as a shy withdrawn child from a one parent family ( separated when I was 4 ) I always wanted to please people in what I did. I don't think I had any other abnormal issues as a teenager than any of my friends except i remember I did live with fear. i learnt my trade when i was 17 and wet out on my own on construction sites, by 19 i bought a house and a year later had a son. i built things up bigger worked harder and amassed my fortune, all my fears were gone i seemed to be able to control every thing with money. my mother is very hard working and yes i see a likeness to her in how she would always be active even now at 71 she still does the painting and decorating.
my farther in law was a surveyor and introduced me to time and motion, a way of optimizing your performance, i created a method of working where i did not move whilst i worked unless it was productive! if i drive some where i have to do lost of things on the way to maximize the time and fit it all in in one trip. no body told me not to waste time i just realised i could increase productivity this way, no stopping for lunch or tea breaks, from 7 in the morning when we get on site until 2.30 in the afternoon a solid 7.5 hours of maximum output. the building industry was always about getting it finished yesterday and i am known as the man who can deliver the results. i still enjoy the hard work and smile to myself when the fluid of my work motion is being created.
i never used to work on weekends and enjoyed my family time, holidays were fine and i love nothing more than watching the wind blow . i don't see sleep as a waste of time as i know i need the repair time for my body.
now i ruin holidays and cant relax i worry about time and that it will pass me by. i have searched for happiness but just don't know what its meant to feel like any more, hence the ''light searching''
i created this in my head i know its not reality just thoughts so why cant i repair it?.i have a great insight of my mind but no tools to fix it.
i have made the first steps of change, i ended doing any of my own contracts as this meant after my onsite work my time was spent in the evening doing paper work (wages, estimates etc) i am now working for a company who has given my security of work through to january and when i get home i don't have to do anything. i have always promised myself to lean tai chi and have looked at local classes, don't know how i am going to push myself to go yet?
i still have these core beliefs which i write down on paper but cant face the fear of them yet and still where my virtual blinkers.
regards Richard
