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14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

Davit,

Speaking of therapists... congratulations on the hard work you have done to be free not only from the panic/anxiety, but from the therapist too. Not that therapists are necessarily bad... it just has to be such an amazing milestone to reach that point. I did get an appointment with my therapist next week and am grateful for her availability and grateful as well to be able to come here for help hanging on until I meet with her.

You wrote:

If you accept that it is going to come and go you will be okay.

You did it before, you can do it again.

I definitely think that is what tripped me up... expecting it to not come back (at least not at the same triggers!). I have been doing this a long time. A very long time and fall prey to thinking that each new thing I try is going to completely change who I am, what my history is, and to what I react. I'm not sure I was consciously aware of having that expectation. It sure sets me up to feel disgusted with myself for, once again, "failing to do it right" and, as you noted, hopelessness rushes in to overwhelm.

Thanks for being here.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

I am grateful for baby naps...

I can come read and re-read the wisdom shared here.

I am borrowing Davit's words to say over and over and over.

I am still progressing slowly. I'm functional, I can do the things I need to do but now I find I can do some of the things I want to. It can only get better, and every little slip now is just a reminder that I do not have to live the way I used to.

There is anxiety still... but it is not growing. The pressure on my chest is lessening. I'm breathing again.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

I am wondering if I should have mentioned that I am free. I don't really fit in here now. I want to add though that this is not the first time. But it is the first time totally free. I used to get up and figure I was cured and could take on the world only to crash and get depressed again. But I always recovered and the depressed period got shorter and shorter. I think we do it to ourselves. I mean since we have lived with this so long how can it go away. But it can. Unfortunately the potential to bring it back is still there. I don't know how many times I thought I was cured in the last three years. (my good years) The ones before never gave me a break at all till CBT. Every crash taught me something. Mostly it taught me that I could do it again. I do not know if I will get another set back, I do know that if I do it will be short since they have all been getting shorter. The hardest thing was convincing myself that I could do it again, something you are probably thinking right now too. You know that feeling when it feels just so hopeless.

The anxiety is just that anxiety. Definition: over thinking something, usually negative. If you accept that it is going to come and go you will be okay. You did it before, you can do it again.

Remember how good it was even if it was only for a little while. (I sound like my therapist here)

(ex therapist :-) )

Here for you.

Davit.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 43

It's OK ~m!

You'll be OK. You'll get through this. I too get over confident thinking I'm cured, and then it starts buiding up again, and I get right back at where I started. This time I'm trying the CBT (which I hadn't before), and we'll see how that goes.

These disasters used to bother me too, thinking that the world was ending. And over the years I've challenged those thoughts, and now, I think - and what if it does? Nothing I can do to stop it, it'll happen when God wants it to happen. Do I pray I won't be alive to see it? Sure, and so I cling to that...

But you've hit a valley, and you'll come out of it! Even the Bible says that when it's going bad, to know that it'll get better again. So, I encourage you to hang on to that thought... it'll get better! It always does!

My thoughts and prayers are with you...

Ocean

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

These are disturbing thoughts.

I am feeling so lost. Embarrassed. The depression has been really bad this week, but suddenly anxiety is building and building and building. I don't really get panic attacks.... just this awful build up of anxiety. I was doing so well, you know.... I was. And then I fell down and it happened so suddenly, it feels like I just stepped off solid ground into an abyss. I know in my head that I have to do the work, stay grounded, be aware... but I think I got way ahead of myself thinking I was near cured or something. The earthquake in New Zealand has thrown me for a loop... I thought all my earthquake "issues" were done with. A soldier from our town died in Afghanistan... I thought I was beyond all this grief. I was going out of the house everyday to pickup and deliver the kids. I had even started running errands with the baby along. Now they have to come to me because I just feel so overwhelmed by everything... everything. I feel scraped raw....

baby's awake gotta go.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 659

Hang in there m~ and take all the time and breaks you need..It's time to do what is best for you..I have taken many much needed breaks along the way while working this program. I used to feel guilty about taking breaks and not being here to answer posts but I don't feel that way anymore..This program has taught me that it is ok to put yourself first and take of yourself. Thats what we should have been doing all along..So now I take breaks on a regular basis here on the site and in the real world out there too...Be gentle with yourself and take your time working the program and remember to take some time out for your self to do some things that you enjoy...

Your Friend,

Red.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

thank you all for your kindness...

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 43

I am fairly new to this program - about 2 months now. And I am looking forward to stick to this program.. I too will need to do this program a few times, but hopefully I can eventually live a med free life.

Davit, you said it best - we weren't born with this. I remember being the life of the party in my early 20s and 10 years later, I can't remember the last time I was at a party - could be age related too, I guess. Hubby and two small kids kind of dampen a partying lifestyle (which isn't what I want anyways) -- but I digress.

~m,

just hang in there. At the very least, keep in mind that there are others with the same thing.. some doing better, some doing worse - but, we all need to know that people out there understand us. Which, in our personal lives, I have an aunt overseas who suffers the same, but denies it to everyone else (except me)... I don't see anything wrong with admitting that I have a Panic disorder, hey - at least it's not contagious! :)

So, I look forward to getting to know y'all over the years...

Ocean

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

~m,

Just be...you do that ..take care of yourself...grab onto my hand too...You will get better..don't give up, remember "It's the HARDEST easiest thing you will ever do"..take a break...we will be here for you..

your friend,

Juanita

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

I have a small disadvantage in that I have a Mac computer and can't use the private messenger.

You can contact me though. If you want some one to talk to who understands you can get Ashley to give you my Email address. I will gladly communicate with you. No one should have to do this alone. I know because I had to and it was no fun. I've been there, much as I don't sound like it now. I know all about giving up when it seems like it just can't work. Remember you were not born with this, it is an acquired condition and at the very least is controllable so you can at the very least live a functional life, and given time and encouragement you can live a very normal life too. I find it is the time factor that made it hard not to give up. I am still progressing slowly. I'm functional, I can do the things I need to do but now I find I can do some of the things I want to. It can only get better, and every little slip now is just a reminder that I do not have to live the way I used to.

Here for you,

Davit

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