I know what you mean - fear and terror kept /keeps me agoraphobic a long time. My PTSD is the worst, with OCD and all the others right behind. My days are plagued with pop ups in my mind of past events, but atleast this program and meds have helped with the panic and anxiety when I feel the hyperventilation coming on. .I always felt the world was/is too big for me. When I was younger, I used to say the movie title ' Stop the World I want to get off'. I'll bet just about all of us can say one step forward, two steps back at various times in our recovery and that we sabotage ourselves often. In my days they didn't talk about ADD/ADHD, depression,ocd,ptsd, etc the way they do now,so I used alcohol and drugs to cover it up and it brought me to and thru a dark and scary era. I was a misfit.When Christmas came along and I'd watch Rudolf I wanted to go to that land of misfits, but I probably wouldn't fit in there either. It took a long time to face my demons. I had to give up drinking/drugging a long time ago only because it would have killed me. And I white knuckled it thru decades,until just a few months ago when events brought me to a psychiatrist that said he was going to help me so I could get some enjoyment and happiness in this lifetime. I didn't believe him. Right now I'm at the point that I'm not experiencing the panic attacks on a daily basis, and with this program I've minimized my anxiety, ocd, etc. I'm still working on the joy and happiness.
Today, I actually put my eatting utensils with the group we keep in our office, and it's only me and my husband, I hesitated as I went to place them with the others, did some self talk and with some hesitation, I was able to lift my hand, that felt like a thousand pounds and did it. (it wasn't for germs - it was the design of these specific ones)
You are not alone. You'll figure it out and you'll have your ah ha moment and it will all fall into place. I hear your desire and your need.
Long winded, sorry.