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Never realized what was "wrong" with me . . .

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Yes, reading old journal entries can be painful reviewing all the old struggles and how ill we were at the time. In a more positive light it shows how far we have come and how much stronger we are when we understand what happened. Sometimes I read it and think, man, I never want to go back there again! Sometimes it's like I'm reading about someone else and I actually feel sorry for that person, like a best friend. I can tell myself, it's o.k. now, I know more about how to take care of you, it's going to be alright and that is a calming thought.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Elspeth

Funny you should mention that, I'm having one of those, "it's pointless days" but it is Ok, tomorrow will be better.

On days like this My entry would be short or if I missed it I would put it in the next day. I suppose there were some days that were so bad I missed them, but for the most part I wrote something just to get it out of my system. I colour keyed words like panic so I could tell at a glance how many times I panicked in a month compared to the last month etc. Same as a colour graph. You don't have to read it, just look at it. You can also number the colours each month. So many red, so many blue, and compare months. This is a lot less depressing than reading the whole month. Reading my journal over again is depressing because I was very sick.

Davit.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 12

Hey Davit -

I've never thought about color coding things in my journal! Do or did you ever avoid writing in your journal because you felt it was pointless? Sometimes I feel like that - like I've wasted my life and don't want the reminder. How did you overcome it, if you did? Some times it's so depressing to like that.

Thanks!!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Elspeth

I have some journals from forty years ago that I like to read because it was a very interesting time. The journals I set aside were over two years of writing how I felt and what I did and what meds I was on. Every day for over two years and every thing was colour coded so I didn't even have to read it. Yellow, orange and red for panic. Green for herbal medication and blue for prescription meds. Just skimming the pages and looking at the colours is very disturbing. I was very sick. Hard to believe a person can be that bad and not go crazy over time but we don't, or at least I didn't. It was a very big help at the time and towards the end I was forgetting to write in it. There were also progression graphs, colour coded also. I don't want to forget it I just don't want to remember it that vivid. I think every one should journal for the good that it does. I still do but they are mini journals that I throw away after a few days.

Davit.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Cleo

That is it exactly, the light bulb. Don't worry about getting too cocky, remember you did it once you can do it again. You might get some rebound anxiety if you think too much about it but I am sure you can handle it.

Congratulations and you are getting there all right. Once you conquer one situation the rest just get easier. Keep us posted and enjoy your freedom, I'm enjoying mine. I find new ways to do exposure almost every week. So much pleasure, so much freedom.

Davit.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 12

Hey there, Anerol!

It's nice to meet you too! Thank you for posting. I agree: sometimes, even when we've let go before, letting go again can be hard. But we'll do it, right?

Hello, Davit!

Sometimes I think reading old journals has helped me see how much I've grown - and sometimes how much farther I have to go.

Cleo!!!! Congratulations!!! That's wonderful! And you're not being cocky - you should be proud. I love those moments when I learn something and feel empowered. Congratulations again.

-Elspeth-

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hi,

I drove the same route for the next few days...not a problem! I am so happy, no, elated, that I am really understanding and using my new coping skills. It's hard for me to express it in words...its like the lightbulb just went on! I don't want to get too cocky, but I feel like I can do anything I want now, cause I can stop the panic!

Geting there,

Cleo

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Cleo

Let me quote you. "I don't think it will go to the panic stage, since I have the tools to control my thoughts."

This is coping skills and with out it exposure would be a whole different thing. With out the tools exposure becomes terror, with them in place exposure becomes a tool against future panic. It won't be long before you wonder what the big deal was. I was reading my journal from two years ago and there was a lot of panic then. Now I can't believe those sort of things bothered me and how bad the panic attacks were. I put it on disk and filed it away. It is the past and now is the now. No more living that life.

Good luck.

Davit.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 517

Hello Elspeth,

Nice to meet you. Your analogy of the bear hits the spot for me and I know how I am afraid to let it go. Being ok.. was so scary for me, it still is sometimes.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hi Elspeth,

You said it way better than I can..yes, that's exactly what I mean. I have an example...I used to experience panic during stopages while driving...something as simple as a red light got me antsy...(how many times have I had to crank up the A/C and rifle through the glove dep't, always trying to control my anxiety)..... having to wait due to road construction made me go into panic right away. The other day I came upon some construction on my usual route to work. When I saw the signs I started thinking about how I wouldn't be able to cope, get anxious, panic.... thinking it was the construction making me scared, even before the thoughts were concrete in my head I started questioning them, and realized I wasn't afraid of having to stop and wait ...I was perfectly safe in my car....I was actually fearing my memory of past panic...I had the fear of the fear...not the situation I was in. So it was a breeze! But this is how deep these fears are...even though that day I was fine I thought...maybe I'll use the detour tomorrow just in case...so I had to tell myself that I didn't need to...and I didn't! Yesterday I had to wait about 10 minutes ...I was calm..looked around, wondeful! I'm actually excited to see how it goes today...either way, I'm prepared, because I don't think it will go to the panic stage, since I have the tools to control my thoughts. . So this is Exposure. I'm finally getting this!

I hope this makes sense. It is about letting go, but not giving up control...do I ever agree with you about how great it is to have a place where people really understand!

Cleo

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