I completely understand your situation, Jason.  And it doesn't sound like you need to be in a hospital.  The fact that you realize these thoughts aren't good, makes you a sane person.  Someone who is insane would just do them, and not realize or care.  You both realize AND care!

 

Things will be very hard at first, much like they are.  But continue with the program, you are doing great!

 

Your parents sound like they love you very much, they care enough to come home at a moments notice!  I definitely understand how hard panic attacks are, feels like a million crazy things are happening, you can't concentrate, can't focus, can't do much of anything!  This in turn made me feel worthless, like I couldn't do anything, like there was no hope, no reason to love or care about me because I did nothing to deserve it...like nothing was there for me.  Keep going Jason, though things are really hard right now, there are people who care.  Your daughter, girlfriend, parents...this is one thing you can try to do for them, and for yourself.  Keep at it, no step is easy right now, but it is definitely worth it!

Hi Jason,

  

You're situation definitely sounds like panic attacks.  The good news is that you can get better.  It may take a lot of time, but I believe you have what it takes.  I've had anxiety since around 20 years of age as well, 6 years total now, and agoraphobia for the past 2 or so years.  Now I haven't had a panic attack in 2 months, and I am able to go out by myself and do things I want!  It's a great feeling, but takes hard work and determination.

 

If you haven't already started, try out the free program here.  It can help you understand your situation and bring relief to many of the fears you speak of.  Particularly with your daughter.  After having that thought, having fear of that is completely understandable, and shows that you do care about your daughter.

 

As well as working with the program here, you can look into programs your country/county offers.  For instance, where I live in America, the county offers free mental health services (lots of red tape involved, but for your family and especially yourself it's worth the pains!).

 

For the time being, you can try out relaxation exercises.  They don't work wonders right away, but they can help bring down the anxiety in the long run.  One such exercise is called progressive relaxation.  Basically you tense up your hand, count to 5 with your hand still tensed up, then release the tension.  Then you do this with your wrist, arm, chest, neck....basically work your way up and down your whole body.

 

It may be hard to trust me when I say this now, but you will be ok Jason.  It will take some time for you to adjust and figure out what step comes next, but you've taken the hardest step of all, and from here out things begin to make sense and steps slowly get easier.

 

Feel free to post when you want, and let us know how your doing!

Hi Jason

 

Your story is very moving. You will find these forums and the program very helpful to reduce your anxiety. I suggest you read through some of the older posts. This program offers a great avenue for people with agoraphobia to begin therapy without leaving their home (until you can of course). Plus it is free. 

 

A few things:

 

You will not go crazy. If you have been diagnosed with panic disorder then please understand that you will not go crazy!!!! There was post called "irrational thoughts and..." under "understanding panic" that dealt quite allot with the notion of going crazy.

 

Diva is spot on! You can get better. All of us who have been here a while will attest to the fact we have experienced major improvements. They take time. But hang in there. There is hope.

 

The thoughts are part of the anxiety. You are not mad!!! Think about it like this: during a panic attack your brain is programmed to seek fight or flight. It is looking for all aveues of escape and all avenues of possible danger. This is why your mind runs at a mile a minute. It is looking for perceived threats. The problem is of course that you are in no danger. But your mind is just acting like it has been programmed to do in order for you to escape in a survivial type situation. This is completely different from being "insane". Your mind is in fact working in hyper-drive not discoherently such as in shizophrenia. Plus you are most likely too old to develop shizophrenia (one plus to being above 20-25!).  

 

Your thoughts don't control your actions. You will never hurt your baby girl!!! You just love her so much that it is as if your mind is sabataging you. But you wll never act on those thoughts.

 

Take care and please write whenever you need help or advise. We are her to listen.

 

Hello Jason,

 

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I think it is very brave of you. I wanted to stop in to welcome you to the forums. the program here is really good and well worth the effort. It requires work but it is sooo worth it!

 

I also wanted to say I totally understand where you are coming from. I used to be unable to leave my house too. I used to be unable to work or go to school. I also know how hard this can be on relationship. I also get how bad it is to have thoughts that are scary and that seem uncontrollable. BUt I do want to reassure you about all this. It can get better. The program here is so good and it has taught me so much! And the people here are reat, supportive and understanding!

 

Nowadays, even though I am in a little rough patch in my life, I am doing well. I am able to go out, take the bus, go to malls and superstores. I work, I just graduated from university. Things really can get better. So hang in there and please feel free to come here for support anytime!

Hello everyone my name is Jason and i am new to the site, well i started it about 2 weeks ago. Anyway I am 29 years old and i had my first panic attack when I was about 20 years old so for about 9 years now i have been living with this. When my first panic attack happened 9 years ago I was married and had a baby on the way, i had already takin on responsibilty for my wifes son she that she had before we met. So anyway one day me and my wife and my stepson were in walmart shopping, I remember it like it was yesterday we were in the shampoo isle and i was pushing the cart, and suddenly out of no where I started to feel weak in my legs and my heart began to beat very hard and very fast! I had no idea what was happening to me, I told my wife that i needed to go sit down and i think by the look of panic on my face she knew something was wrong, so we walked towards the front of the store and with every step I took the panic got worse and worse, the thought were coming in a mile a minute, thoughts like am I dying? am I having a heart attack? will I stop breathing? I wonder what people are thinking? So anyway after a short walk we had made it to a bench in the front of the store where I sat down and tried to figure out what was wrong, but after sitting there in shear panic for 10 min and it not letting up I began to cry and told my wife to call for an ambulance! Well after about 10 min. the ambulance arrived and took me to the local hospital, but by the time we had made it to the hospital I had started to calm down and feel better, but the doctors did all kinds of tests anyway, but all the tests came back normal and the doctors could find nothing wrong with me so they released me and gave no explaination to what had happened to me. Well the following day me and my wife went out to run some errands and one of the errands was to go to a new bank and open an account, well you can all probably guess what had happened, as soon as I stepped into the bank I started to feel the same sensations that I had felt the previous day at walmart, so I immediatly said to my wife we have to leave and out the door we went! I had no idea what was happening to me, I was scared and felt I needed to make an appointment with my doctor asap! So the next day i got in to see my doctor and I explained to him what had happened and eveything that was going on, he then told me it sounded like i was having panic attacks and explained what they were, the symptoms seemed to fit what was happening to me perfect but he still did tests first to rule out anything else, and when the test all came back normal he decided to put me on paxil and this is where the real journey began... Well i just realized that this is becoming a very long story so let me try to shorten it up, ok doc gave me paxil, sucked at first but then started to work (maybe worked a little to well) I stopped having panic attacks, but i started to not care about things, i started to sleep ALOT and became addicted to alcohol, this resulted in fighting with my wife all the time and eventually we split up. After the split i started living with friends and started drinking more and more, i was getting into fights with guys all the time and in trouble with the law, my whole world had been turned upside down. Finally one day after getting into a fight with some guy at his house after a party i had what i like to call a nervous breakdown and i had to move back in with my mom. I stopped drinking and going out, i then met my girlfriend now over the internet, she lives in the next town, we started to see each other, she would come over to my moms and spend time with me, she was a great help. Then she became pregnant and now we have a 7 month old baby girl ( She had a little girl from a previous relationship already), i developed agoraphobia and now i cant even leave the house so she comes over on the weekends to visit me. Ok well i decided to get off paxil and try lexapro, i had weened myself down to 5 mg a day of paxil and i started to take 5mg of lexapro to take some of the side effects away of the paxil, bad idea, about the forth day of taking the lexapro i had the worst panic attack of my life! So i stopped taking the lexapro and continued the paxil 5mg, well the problem is ever since i had the panic attack from the lexapro i have been getting worse and worse, ive become depressed, i am anxious all the time and i am having panic attacks again, i dont want my mom to leave for work because i am absolutly terrified of being home alone and the worse thing is that 2 weeks ago my girlfriend and my daughter came over and as i was holding my little girl i had a thought that i might do something to hurt her! Now im scared to see my little girl because i might try to hurt her! And ive even had thoughts like that about my mom or my stepdad or anyone that is near me! I feel so alone! I dont want to hurt my little girl, i dont want to hurt anyone for that matter! I love my mom and my little girl! I feel like im going crazy! I even thought about admitting myself but my agoraphobia is so bad that i cant go anywhere! I feel trapped and i feel like things are never going to get better and i am causing great grief on my family! Why am i having these thoughts? are they just anxiety? how do i know for sure i wont hurt someone? am i going crazy? how do i get better? I havent worked in 3 years so i have no money to get help, i have no medical insurance, i have nothing! And now i cant even see my little girl! My ex wont let me see my other kids, and i dont have the money or ability to take her to court, i cant even leave the house to go to the doctor let alone to court! If anyone has advise or can offer help please let me know! please!