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9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1009

Hi Kez,

I agree, we definitely need the support of others, regardless of the situation. Perhaps apologizing to your mom isn't a workable strategy? It doesn't seem to help either of you as you're left feeling victimized and she's left to continue on feeling like she's in control at the expense of others. Does your mother drink much? Is this a family thing, the drinking I mean? It has been in my family ever since I can remember. My sister has a tendency to push the family away and has all sorts of strategies that make herself feel bad, which in reality is just an excuse to maintain feeling bad about herself to maintain the negative thought patterns that sustain her drinking. I'm not suggesting for a second that that is what your doing, far from it. As I said in my other post to you, drinking can drive a wedge in the family dynamics and push people apart. It does with my sister (not my sister-in-law) however I'm always open to helping out when she needs it.

You're doing great Kez. Hang in there and keeping moving forward!

All the best,

Dave

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 94

Hi Dave,

Thank you for thinking of me. It's been a roller coaster! I'm only talking to my mom on a "need-to" basis and my only other support figure is gone because of my .....relationship deficits?..... but I am still trying really hard. A couple weeks ago I expressed an opinion and my fragile mother took offense- she can barely talk to me now. I apologized (for what, I'm not sure) and she didn't respond. It hurts. I feel mad and sad and frustrated and incomplete but it's also mixed with a tremendous sense of guilt. It's like mixing flour, sugar and butter and then adding hot sauce. The conflicting feelings really cause a lot of turmoil. I've had the drinking under control and really proud of myself but some things happened today where I really needed the support of family or friends, and I didn't have anywhere to go. I try to find outlets but today I just wasn't successful. I don't really have anyone. my best friend's husband lost his best friend to cancer (32) on Tuesday so they've had their hands full..way bigger than my unexplainable issues...and i've pushed my own family away. Today I truly felt like I had nowhere to go. I was happy to see your post, and I know I need to keep on plugging... I'm proud of what I've accomplished in the last couple weeks but without other people, us humans are really in a tough spot! Onward and upward :) thanks Dave

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1009

Hi Kez,

I hope you're doing well. I was thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. Everything ok?

All the best,

Dave

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 348

Kez,

You are right, it is a good feeling to be clear headed in the morning! Today was tougher than the last 2. I think the toughness came with too much free time and today was a day off from working out for me. I was also wondering if I would sleep tonight or would it be a night of unrest. Whatever happens will happen, my body has to get used to going to sleep without alcohol.

I wish you luck with your family on Saturday. Hopefully you will have some good tips that can be shared for I know that obstacle is around the corner for me!

Dave, once again thank you for your response to my last post here and on the other thread. My mind racing is a BIG problem with my sleep and writing things down just doesn’t cut it! I know my body will eventually adapt, there could be worse things I have to suffer through. At least the evenings of being AF are going OK and the “scared” feelings of being AF that evening are not present for now.

It has been many years since I have been AF for 3 nights. Tomorrow will be very weird for me. Since I have been drinking daily (around 13 years) I have not been AF 4 days in a row. I know I will make it, now I am wondering what my thought will be Friday, the day that I said I would THINK about having a drink. Only time will tell!

Have a good everyone!

Lynn

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 94

Thank you Junes, Lynn and Dave.

My hubby is out playing hockey and my two year old is asleep so (I'm afraid to say it in case I jynx myself), I have a few minutes to myself.

I can tell already that this is a very supportive place to go and I can't tell you how great that feels. I sometimes feel that my inability to connect with anyone on the level I need has really played the biggest impact on my bad choices over the years.

Junes, it seems I'm kind of in the same situation you are as my families on both sides don't ever get together without quite a lot of alcohol. Of course none of them have problems with it, so they don't recognize my concern and normally I just say to hell with it - if they're doing it, so will I. What's the point in suffering discomfort in silence. I think your suggestions are good ones although my only issue with NOT having a drink is that at the stage I'm at people immediately ask me if I'm pregnant. And I'd rather avoid that all together!

Lynn, isn't it the greatest feeling in the world to wake up clear headed, positive and ready for the day? I recently finished reading a really good book called "Her Best Kept Secret" (at least I really enjoyed it) and at the very beginning it mentions the struggles of women, how wonderful it feels to be clearheaded, but that triggers just drip drip drip like a leaky faucet. Anyway I digress... I'm slowly trying to teach myself to place less emphasis on the negative (automatic for me) and more conscious awareness around the times where I feel GOOD. It's empowering. You remember that as you enjoy DAY THREE AF, Lynn. :)

And Dave, thank you for your long and thoughtful response. I'll confess that I'm a bit of a closet dependent in terms of people as well as alcohol, and I was worried when I posted that no one would respond. It's almost like "Wow, is this really possible that people are so supportive?" I am trying very hard to change my behaviour and my negative thoughts. I don't think I'll be able to stop completely in the near future but I sure do want to cut down. I don't want the mid-afternoon thought of the bottle of wine in my fridge to fill my body with a sense of peace anymore. I don't alcohol to have that power anymore. Thank you for your advice, and I have also heard about how powerful it is to say "no thanks" when someone offers you a drink. And you are soooooo right when you say people won't actually care if I'm drinking; they'll just find somebody else. That's hard for me because I take perceived rejection hard, and of course I never whine about it, I just fix it by having a drink. Vicious circle! Expecting discomfort while changing a behaviour is the scariest part for me. And I will trust your words when you say that it passes because I haven't really been there yet.

I'm lucky enough to have decent benefits working for the government and can afford a minimal amount of time talking to a therapist. She suggested putting three elastic bands around my arm (or four, if I decide) on Saturday and taking one off after each drink. No more elastics, no more drinks. If don't want to take the elastic off and my wine is almost empty, top it up with soda water. It's hard to predict what will work when the stressor is right there in front of you, but I am going to take all your suggestions to heart and really try this time. Wish me luck and thank you so much for taking the time out for me.

SLEEP WELL EVERYONE (Especially those who don't tend to be so lucky in that department).

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1009

(Less the typo's...........a wish list item is to be able to edit your post after the fact).

Hi Kez,

Welcome to the site. It sounds like you are putting a lot of purposeful thought into the challenge you're facing and it's very positive you're initiating a break for yourself. Everything you said rings so true for myself. Regarding your comment about the family get-togethers being triggers, that was much the same for myself. In fact, the social situations with my friends when we would go away together for a few days\ weeks was also a big trigger. So how did I prepare for them? Well, it started with the fact I said 'enough is enough!' and I decided I wouldn't drink at all. It's kind of pointless for me to say "I'll moderate" because I needed to stop. What are your goals for that? To stop drinking completely? To stop then ease into moderation? Everyone is different. Once I decided to stop though I needed to face the fact I would be in situations where everyone was drinking, often to excess. My second weekend away was a wedding on the east coast where I left my wife and kids at home Being away alone AND big parties were a big trigger for me). I decided ahead of time how I would address the non-drinking when it came up and went through the discussions in my mind ahead of time. It really helps and puts the control into your hands because you are prepared. I didn't say "I quit!" or "I don't drink anymore!". That was simply too much and, to this day, I still don't say it because, frankly, it's none of their business. I said "No thank you. I'm taking a break". Simple as that. If they pressed me I'd say "Every time I turn around someone is handing me a drink and I really need a break because it's not working for me". And if they keep on me they may get the pointy end of the stick, so to speak. It didn't happen though and everyone was very supportive of the idea. More often than not people said they should do the same thing (usually in a state of drunken stupor). In reality, we are putting more pressure on ourselves and people don't really care if we don't drink because they are quite happy to find someone that will and don't notice you not drinking. Expect it to be a little (or a lot) uncomfortable at first but that passes. You're learning a new way of doing things and change can be uncomfortable and a little anxious until we get used to it. We naturally want to maintain what we perceive to be balance (homeostasis) so it's normal feel a sense of anxiety. Just remind yourself this won't be the last time they have a party so you're not missing anything. I've been through this quite a bit now so it feels natural to say "No thank you" and STILL no one cares because they STILL get hammered. Does this makes sense? Having an affirmative plan in mind ahead of time really helps.

Lynn, great POSITIVE emphasis!

All the best,

Dave

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1009

Hi Kez,

Welome to the site. It sounds like you are putting a lot of purposeful thought into the challenge you're facing and it's very positive you're initiating a break for yourself. Everything you said rings so true for myself. Regarding your comment about the family get togethers being triggers, that was much the same for myself. In fact, the social situations with my friends when we would go away together for a few days\ weeks was also a big triggers. So how I prepared for them? Well, it started with the fact I said 'enough is enough!' and I decided I wouldn't drink at all. It's kind of pointless for me to say "I'll moderate" because I needed to stop. What are your goals for that? To stop drinking completely? To stop then ease into moderation. Everyone is different. Once I decided to stop though I needed to face the fact I would be in situations where everyone was drinking, often to excess. My second weekend away was a wedding on the set coast where I left my wife and kids at home. I decided ahead of time how I would address the non-drinking when it came up and went through the discussions in my mind aead of time. It really helps and outs the control in your hands because you are prepared. I didn't say "I quit!" or "I don't drink anymore!". That was simply too much and, to this day, I still don't say it because, frankly, it's none of their business. I said "No thank you. I'm taking a break". Simple as that. If they pressed me I'd say "Every time I turn around someone is handing me a drink and I really need a break because it's not working for me". And if they keep on me they may get the pointy end of the stick, so to speak. It didn't happen though and everyone was very supportive of the idea. More often than not people said they should the same thing (usually in a state of drunken stupor). In reality, we are putting more pressure on ourselves and people don't really care if we don't drink because they are quite happy to find someone that will and don't notice you not drinking. Expect it to be a little (or a lot) uncomfortable at first but that passes. You're learning a new way of doing things and change can be uncomfortable and a little anxious until we get used to it. We naturally want to maintain what we perceive to be balance (homeostasis) so it's normal feel a sense of anxiety. Just remind yourself this won't be the last time they have a party so you're not missing anything. I been through this quite a bit now so it feels natural to so "No thank you" and STILL no one cares because they STILL get hammered. Does this makes sense? Having an affirmative plan in mind ahead of time really helps.

Lynn, great POSITIVE emphasis!

All the best,

Dave

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 348

Good morning Kez,

You are right, giving your body a break allows it to take care of things it has been neglecting because of the alcohol. As for you situation on Saturday, I don’t know what kind of advice I can give because I have not encountered that situation myself but know that I will. I have friends that drink (sometimes a lot) and on some occasions just simply say, “No not today.” I think that will be my approach as well, saying something like giving my body a break or just taking a break for a time.

I totally get what you said about being productive. I am a teacher so I am flexible in my work time for a few months. Earlier I was sitting outside enjoying my coffee, listening to the “outside”, planning my day. Yesterday was AF Day 2 and today WILL be AF Day 3 (Dave, did you notice the positive EMPHASIS there?? LOL) As I was enjoying the morning I noticed that first of all I felt like being outside and secondly, I did not have to wait to feel better to get going and did not have to arrange my day around my start time of drinking. Wonderful feeling to be free.

Take pride in the steps that you are taking and keep taking it one step at a time. Those are the only ones you can control.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day!

Lynn

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 56

Hi Kez

this site is so great it really helps. As far as triggers go i know how hard they are . things i have done in the past to help me not drink at family fuctions and duck out early were saying i was on antibiotics people dont push as hard on offering you drinks . I am not sure how it is in your fam but mine they sometimes push a but they dont know that i actually have a problem or they think its normal as they drink alot themselves , not sure but either way i always said something like antibiotics or work the next day or something ...i hate lying and am bad at it but i hate drinking and acting such a fool and feeling the worst afterwards.

hope yu have a great day :)

9 years ago 0 +0 / -0 94

Thanks Kona and Jakelad. I've been so wanting to sit down and spend the time pouring my heart out for a little while but I don't want to do a half-assed job so I've been taking my spare minutes to read all what everyone else has been writing. After a serious hangover from Saturday that didn't fully subside until Tuesday, I've only had a few drinks since, and, surprise surprise, was much more productive yesterday and felt like a worthy human being again. Today I've woken up with a sore throat and a headache (I guess giving my body a break gives things a chance to catch up), but I'm hoping to make it the rest of the week without a drink. There's a family party on Saturday which is a big trigger that I am trying to prepare myself for. Especially after I went way too far last weekend. Any advice from you guys would be taken with much appreciation.

To anyone who read this, hope you have a strong and healthy day and happy Wednesday!

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