Hi Brokengurl,

 

I just want to stop by to say hello.  Welcome and thank you for your honesty. You are definately not alone in this. We are all going to get there together. Even if it takes a few trys - we will still get there.

 

 

I also did a cry for help 11 days ago and thought this was the end of my life.  Please consult the forums as you will see that I've been getting stronger and dealt with situations that I thought I never would.  We sometimes have the bad perception of alcooholics being low lifes in the street and think that about ourselves.  We are not.  We have a sickness and have to take care of it.  Sometimes talking about it feels really good!  

I've found people on this site who understand and help me deal with the rest.  Even if I'm new to being sober I check in everyday and am true in order to get better.

I wish you the best and wish for you to keep posting as this is a great way to be strong!

D.

Wow it's both eery and comforting to hear your story. I can very much relate. I so appreciate you taking the time to write :)  I am an only child so from birth I've felt lonely and developed an unhealthy attachment to isolation. My parents never really got along so the tension was always in the air sometimes errupting in verbal and physical abuse. My mother did her best but lacked in empathy favouring criticism and mistaking sensitivity for weakness. I wouldn't trade her for the world but it remains a tough dynamic. My father is an ill and misunderstood man. We are for the most part estranged but from time to time one of us pops back into the other's inbox with a half-assed effort towards reconciliation. In my heart of hearts I am torn between wishing for what will never be and guarding myself against further disfunction. I, like you, have withdrawn from friends and family but fight periodically to continue ties with my husband, mom, dog Dori of course and that's it sadly. My best friend has long since written me off as not worth the time given her currently hectic life pregnant with baby number 2 (I've met baby number 1 once which I am so very ashamed of) and trying to balance career, motherhood, wife, only daughter of ailing parents, homeowner, etc. I have never not once ever felt a twinge of misgivings towards it but I truly long for our relationship to reconnect once again. Right now I feel too much of a mess and so very ashamed of where I am in my life. I can honestly say that if I don't begin to turn around from this place I see myself desiring an Old Yeller exit, the end. I've never taken suicide as an option despite lows very low and please don't take this as a cry for help in the litteral sense but this is a new low, the lowest of the low thus far and you can't blame me for briefly flirting with alternative approaches to relief given how thus far I've yet to successfully find anything remedial. I'm joking of course I assure you I have always considered suicide for others... my father threatened it periodically and after being forced into talking him down off the proverbial ledge after my mother begged me to help her after several failed attempts I see it as a selfish act, don't get me wrong I sympathize, I simply can't imagine a scenario where I wouldn't  feel an overwhelming sense of guilt towards the harm I'd impose on those who haven't quite given up on me. I can't believe that at my age I haven't yet rid myself of mommy and daddy issues... please tell me I'm not alone :( Wish all a good night.

Welcome brokengirl

 

I have been you - minus the husband, i've only ever been single.   I self medicated with alcohol for years to deal with depression, feelings of inferiority, any emotion really - I just wanted to numb out.   By the end I had cut off contact with almost all my friends, and was totally isolated.    I've been on my recovery journey for a long time now, with frequent relapses but also increasingly long periods of sobriety, that I'm proud of.    Please be honest with your therapist about your drinking, it may be hard, it may feel shameful - it's not, but your therapist can only help you if you are 100% honest.    I know I needed professional help to stop drinking and have been in rehab 4 times (I'm a slow learner).   After I stopped drinking initially I did go through a period when my depression got worse, which required hospitalization and a meds adjustment.   But I've now been depression free for over a year and a half, and I was completely sober for 9 out 12 months in 2011, with only 3 relapses in the other months, so I'm making progress.

 

Stopping drinking is really hard, but it's so worthwhile.   You'll find great support here.    And stopping will help with the depression too.

 

Hang in there and good luck with therapy.

 

splitimage

First off thank yous all around for your views/responses! I must admit that I spent the better part of the wee hours awaiting signs of life out there in the comfort of darkness, many glasses of wine and isolation... To my relief/surprise/did I mention relief?! You appeared as if out of the blinding white light in micro moments of divine revelation onto my screen. Dramatic perhaps but I was under the influence lol (sighs)

 

I've mastered the art of isolation and am having a really tough time clawing my way back to the world outside these four walls. It's something I've learned to do since childhood and I don't understand how to change behaviours and feelings that continue to creep up over the course of my life so far and seem to lead me like the pied piper down this path. I'm horrible at navigation even with GPS so it's no surprise that I struggle finding way back.

 

Footnote folks... If I've learned one thing this year it's that my dog is my lifeline. If you don't have one and can relate to my story I strongly suggest you get one :) Most non judgemental therapist a girl could ask for who forces me to at least get out of my 3-day old pjs, brush my raggedy hair and sometimes even teeth to take her on a tour of the buildings exterior perimeters for walkies and fresh air not to mention a bit of vitamin E. Sometimes I even have to get off the couch to feed and water her which reminds me to do the same on occassion. Not to mention the unsolicited cuddles when I need them most without a word of judgement or pressure to move from my safe little zone of the apartment. So ya, get a dog=god. Enough time on my soap box for one day :) Happy weekends to all and stay warm and safe...

Welcome to the AHC brokengirl.

 

I'm sorry to hear you've had a very difficult year.  I can imagine the desire to go back to your "normal" self and that the pressure from your family simply doesn't help.  You have to take this healing journey at your own pace. 

 

I think that discussing issues with a therapist will be helpful.  It can be scary, but it is a chance for you to say what you want, without filtering, to someone who holds no judgement. 

I hope that you give it a good try.  It may take a few sessions to get comfortable with your therapist, but it is a good start. 

 

Of course, we are here for you too.  Post often!

 

Let us know how you feel after your first session on Monday.

 

 

 

I'm in disbelief that I'm struggling with alcohol to be honest... I grew up around it, never had a taste for it and now find myself struggling to stop drinking. I have been on long-term disability for over a year now suffering from "major depression" and am so ashamed of where I am that my pride seems to take precedence over intelligence! I am so fortunate to have a loving family including husband who are desperate to see me "back to my old self" that I feel an enormous pressure to just "get over it!" No such luck :( which compounds the issue. I drink privately primarily. I drink to numb my thoughts and feelings. I begin therapy on Monday and am absolutely terrified to open up. I'd really appreciate some words of advice, support and encouragement right now because I don't feel like I can talk to my family about this... why? I have abandonment issues that are intense and raw through harsh experiences as a result of being "the fat kid" with an abusive father and overbearing mother... Enough quotation marks lol but you get the picture! I use humour to hide my inner pain which is no doubt obvious at this point :) This is a very secret struggle that I've been hiding for a while now and I'm very scared about my health both physical and mental. I don't like who I am right now and I'm not sure who I want to be when I grow up (says the 35 year old!) I want to love myself and at this point being a closet alcoholic is my major square peg in a round hole...