Hey, I'll be honest with everyone. I've got myself a new name! I posted last night, my name is Paula and I just decided to quit and by 5pm I was smoking again. I joined this site 3 years ago so I had my passport filled in so I thought it would be better to start from the beginning again! So I'm back. There's an ashtray in front of me, filled to the brim with ash and cigarette butts and its disgusting. I had lit up yet another cigarette, had a drag or two and then I just held it in my fingers and watched it burn down. I thought to myself how small and insignificant this little cigarette is yet it has so much power over me and I laughed and stubbed it out.
I'm 23 and I smoked for ten years. I can remember sitting in a green with my firends who smoked and one of them offered me a cigarette and I wanted to fit in and the rest is history. If I could travel in time I would go back to that moment and slap myself!
Cigarettes have been my crutch for years so I am quite frightened. As a child, I loved the smell of cigarettes, it reminded me of my grandparents and it gave me a feeling of comfort. It still does today. My dad smoked quite heavily when I was a kid but although he quit a few years ago, he still relapses and that scares me. His method of quitting is to avoid contact with the world and any people for about 5 days, he doesn't leave the house. (I don't live there!)
I have one sister who's living in London and she never smoked but the key thing for me is that my mam died 5 years ago of cancer at the age of 45 and never smoked in her life. I remember sitting in the hospice with my nana (who knew I smoked at the time), she was having a cig and I was looking at her and she handed me a cig and said, your mam never smoked in her life and look what happened, they probably do us good!!! I know this isn't true but I'll remember that forever, its kinda funny now!
My mam was sick since I was 13, round the time I started smoking. I used to be a real high achiever and had such confidence in myself and great self esteem. Then **** happened and things got hard and I was angry and rebelled! I smoked, I was cool, I missed school yet the teachers never gave out to me cos they knew the situation at home and gave me a break and extra help if I needed it. When I went to college, I missed the first 3 months cos I was caring for my mam and then she died. I went to the Dean to tell him I was leaving but he talked me into staying, all of my lecturers gave me extra help and I spoke to a counsellor there for a while as well. There was a lot of other bad stuff going on for years after my mam died like family squabbles over the will etc. Thankfully that ended about 18 months ago and things have been calm since.
I know I'm giving my life story here! I'm not to sure why! I feel like I've never reached my full potential, I always had excuses why no one would expect me to be amazing. And now, I feel like a cheat, I got through college because of all the help I got. Its only recently that I've had to stand on my own two feet and take responsibility for my life and I'm terrified! I can't take criticism and when I feel bad, I hide and run away.
I need to take control of my life and affirm to myself that I deserve to be here and that I'm worthy. Cigarettes are my crutch, my best friend, my confidence booster and ultimately, my death.
To me, being able to stop smoking is me choosing to live and being able to really live my life. My head is saying drive on, you can do this but another part of me is scared and says do it another time! Usual crap!
This is important to me, I don't know whats going to happen, I just hope I'm ready to grow up and take control. Sorry for how long the post is, I probably needed to get it all out!
Thanks guys!
