I hate this computer. It just crashed on me after pouring my heart out for half an hour. Yes, should have saved, I hear you say. I know, I know. It's 7 am and I haven't slept since 4, worrying about going on this trip tomorrow, so my brain isn't at it's best. Sorry about the long postings, btw. Will make a cup of tea now and try to remember what I said . . . yaaaawn. M.

Hi Murrough and Marianne! Murrough, its very strange for me to be sitting here in Ontario, Canada knowing that you will be reading this in Ireland. I had a penpal in ireland when i was little, and my cousin is in ireland as we speak, but that about covers my connections to your country! Thanks for your support on the man thing. Its really not my priority right now at all. I just get anxiety when i think about the future, b/c someday i would like to settle down, but i just can't really picture it. You're right though, it'll happen when you least expect it! Thats fabulous that you're going to a support group. I've tried to find one around where i live, but it only runs twice a year, and i always seem to remember when its in the middle, and i can't join anymore. Please let me know how that goes, and if it helps. It must be strange to be face to face with people who have the same problems you do. Marianne, everytime i read one of your posts, i can't believe how much you sound like me! My degree will also be in psychology, and as i'm just graduating, everyone is asking me what i'm going to do with it. The truth is, i've always been a little low on ambition, a "career" doesn't really interest me. I'd rather have a "job." I'm also working in information technology right now, and will probably move around a little where i am, but thats about it. I also kind of feel like i haven't changed much since i was 16, and can't really see it happening. This is a little scary for me, b/c eventually i will have to grow up! About the party thing, i HATE being told to "suck it up" or "be strong", as if i can control how i feel. It makes me FURIOUS. My sister actually likes to call me pathetic when my anxiety interferes with my ability to do things. I don't take it to heart though, it just makes me mad. This is an example of how i've tried to change my reaction to people. Once, i would have felt guilty, crazy, abnormal, depressed, etc. Now, i get mad. I won't put other people's ignorance on my head, they can take their own blame! Thats why i have to be around people who understand what i'm going through. I get so sick and tired of ignorant people! As for your man, have you tried telling him exactly what you need from him? Sometimes, when i think so

Hi Beth, I'm Male and only 24 myself, and am cursed with these terrible anxiety attacks. I can relate to what you have all been saying in your posts. Sorry I have not been posting of late. I went to an anxiety and agraphobia support meeting for the 1st time last Monday. I'm not sure what I will get out of it, but even going to the meeting was such a big thing for me, although I haven't really been out of the house since. I get prescribed diazepam and beta blockers for my anxiety attacks. I have a girlfriend at the minute, but she lives in Dublin now, the South of Ireland and haven't seen her for a couple of weeks as she obviously comes and visits me because of the travelling thing which you all can relate to it would seem. I'm sure you'll find a nice guy for yourself Beth, but don't make it your priority. I always find it's easier to click with someone when your not looking. Keep your mind busy and try to live your life as full as you can and it will happen when you are not expecting it. :) Murrough

Hello again, Beth, this may sound stupid but I was really touched by you supporting me in the not going to the party thing. Everybody else always seems to say go on, give it a try, you can do it, stiff upper lip, etc. It makes such a difference - it makes it kind of ok not to go, it's almost like I need someone's approval for what I do, it just feels better! So THANKS! I think you're really lucky to have all those people around you, a mobile comfort zone. I'm ok with my boyfriend around, he is part of my comfort zone when I'm at home, but I can't go on holiday with him. You're probably right about the undivided attention thing, when I'm on holiday with him he's forever reading leaflets and checking out train times and leaves me alone for hours on platforms in train stations. Well, he's done that quite a few times when we were on holiday. I'm not at my best in strange towns with hours between me and home, stuck there waiting for a train or a plane, and he just wanders off. Could have killed him! He 'knows' about my panics, but because he's never had one he doesn't really 'understand'. I have a friend who also has panic attacks and I feel very comfortable with him. I could easily imagine going on holiday with him as my comfort zone, but because of his particular disorder he freaks when there is someone with him, so quite the opposite of me. So basically no holidays for Marianne. (Sniff, fiddles in the background€¦). I don't think you're selfish at all about wanting undivided attention. When you're having a panic attack it feels like you're not going to survive (although some part of you knows you will) and it's the most natural thing in the world to want undivided attention when you feel like you're going to die. Anyway, I'll be alone all next week (brrr€¦). You wrote before that you had been alone for a week not long ago and that you got through it with flying colours. I'll be taking you as an example! Hope I can do just as well as you did! I'm toying with the idea of going to the seaside and spending a night in a hotel there, kind of as an exposure exercise. Now I'm all brave, sitting by my computer and looking at pretty pictures of pretty hotels, but I can just see me chickening out at the last minute€¦ Suzy, you're a miracle, you are so upb

Hi Beth, Hi Suzy! Errrm, Beth, I'm actually a tiny little bit older than you, I'm 37. Having said that, I don't feel very different from when I was 23, or 16, for that matter. It's probably the life situation more than the age. I'm not married, I don't have any children, I live with my boyfriend, and I've never entered a proper career. After doing psychology at university I've now been in IT Support for the past nine years, but that's a kind of 'get up and go whenever you like' type job. I wonder if this choice of lifestyle has anything to do with the fear of being 'tied down', unable to get out. Like having kids: just the idea of being pregnant completely freaks me out. Can you imagine having something in your body that you can't get out for nine months? If in month 4 you go panicky and decide you didn't want a child after all - tough! And then having to be with and look after another person for the rest of your life? NO WAY! Taking a plane to Australia would be a doddle in comparison! Anyway, just needed to get this of my chest, I want to reply about the comfort zone and the flying etc but have to get some work out of the way first... ;) M.

AND LISTEN, YOU GUYS....don't ever think you're not going to meet the right guy for you. He'll come along when its time...and it'll be with someone you can share your feelings with and who will be understanding of your fears and problems. Little steps at a time....that's all it takes. Everyone has someone special out therre for them. In the meantime live your live to the fullest and take chances. Even if it gives you a PA. You've been thru them before just like me and we always survive them, don't we. Love to live, and then live to love. We only get one trip around the block. So panic attacks, depression and all, LIVE and HAVE FUN. No one else can do it for you. And we re always here to fall back on for support, strength and love. LUV, SUZY.****sorry, I feel long-winded tonight for some reason.

Beth and MarieAnne ...I have a thought. I was just like you both. Terrified of going out of my comfort zone. Til I read something by a phsycologist who puts out a paper once a month. She aid you mke your own safety zone. Draw an imaginary line around yourself and that is YOUR SPACE. You don't let anyone into your space or you lose your 'self'. If anyone enters that space, you have to speack up and say please don't stand so close, and tell them you are just protecting your own space (or self) because if you loe your space, you lose yourself. Does that make any sense? I had to raead it a few times before I got the jist of it, but now I can maintain my own space of protect 'self'. I was terrified of flying, when one day, my broather arranged a blind date with me sith someone he worked with. Well, I got in the car, and when I asked where we were going, he said it was for a fide in his plane. Oh, yeah, I thought. I won't be doing that. All the way to the airport I kept saying that to myself, but not to him. Just thought when we got there, I would say 'no thanks'. Out onto the tarmac and saw this little two-seater and again thought 'now way'. As I'm getting the plane, I'm still thinking the same thing. The next thing I know we were in the air and I looked down. I mean I could see the boottom of the plane, it was so small. But, lo and behold, I loved it. We flew all ever the City and up part of the Island. Maybe it was because it was so small. Large passenger planes are so out of your control and you are so high you don't see anything below. Maybe thats what I needed. I won't tell you what happened next tho. He put the plane on auto-pilot and thought we'd have some fun. What do I do? Jump out? No. Just spoke my mind and said, Home, James!!! Kind of nic and tuc for awhile, but made it back safely, and gave my brother an ear full about his friend. But it broke me from flying. Still scared of Big planes, but small ones is where to staart. Its beautiful!!!...(With the right pilot, that is!!!)LOL*** ***LUV, SUZY.

Wow Marianne, i can't believe how similar our situations are. I fully support your decision not to go to the party. I can't travel at all, i need to be within driving distance from my house, or i lose it. It makes me mad, b/c all of my friends love to travel, would jump at any chance to fly away. I can't even leave town without tons of preparation. I have a lot of problems defining my comfort zone, it basically changes depending on the situation. When i'm confronted with something, i know instinctually if it is in my comfort zone or not, does that make sense? In order to not be controlled by this, i have found a few people who i consider to be part of my comfort zone. As long as one of these people are with me, i'll be fine. I find that situations are hardest for me when i'm around people i'm not comfortable with, it makes me feel really claustrophobic about my panic attacks. These people are my Dad, my best friend, a friend of mine who also has a panic disorder, and i'm trying to include my boyfriend in this as well. I can go pretty much anywhere as long as i'm with them. (Its even better if its ONLY them, other people being around make me feel competitive or something, i can't explain it). I guess these people make me feel comfortable b/c i know that they'll give me their undivided attention if i need it. (Wow, i just realized how selfish that is, but the truth is, when i have panic attacks, i really need to be babied). I went on a vacation this summer which was a 6 hour drive from home. It went fine, i feel comfortable doing that again, although not for long periods of time! I really don't know whether i'll EVER be able to hop on a plane and go overseas. That seems like too much to me. Anyways Marianne, thanks for letting me talk about this stuff with you, it makes me feel so much better. I really feel like you know how i feel. I realize that everyone at this site knows how we feel, because we ultimately end up with the same result. You just seem to have a lot of the same social phobias as i do. Actually, if you don't mind my asking, i was curious as to how old you are (approximately is fine). I was just wondering whether our ages were similar, which is why our problems are. Take care, Beth

Thanks Beth, it's so nice to be able to share this sort of thing! I sometimes feel such a freak, everybody I know wouldn't think twice about hopping on a plane and flying to the other side of the globe, as long as it's cheap and there's a party going on! No points for guessing what I do about the party... I mailed them yesterday and said I couldn't come, too much stress. Chicken! I feel such a coward, just imagine how nice it would be to be able to just do it! I'd love to hear more about your comfort zone. What kind of things can you do, and what is impossible for you? Mine is weird, for example I can go on bike trips on my own to quite remote areas, as long as I can turn back any time I like and have my medicines and mobile with me. But earlier this year I completely freaked out when I was in a lovely seaside resort with two train journeys between me and safety (i.e. home, bed, hot bath, camomile tea etc), and the next train was only going in three hours time. I freaked! I wanted out and couldn't! My therapist once said I'd probably be ok on a plane if I could fly it myself! I just re-read your first posting in this thread and I really recognise the feeling after hanging up the phone. I do that all the time. I make plans with people and get all excited and feel all 'normal', then as soon as I get a second to myself I go aaaaaargh! I can't do that! I mean, I could just have said no straight away. Why go through the rigmarole of saying yes, I'll come to the stupid party?? I look forward to hearing from you! Marianne

Thanks Marianne, I know that i'll be fine in the long run, i just get so frustrated b/c my comfort zone is so small, and i wish that i could just do these kind of things without having to think so much about them. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation with your friend's party. Wow, either the party or the flight would be enough on its own! Let me know what you decide to do, and how you're feeling! Beth