ok... so the timing isn't up to me... i have no control over the universe or even my small corner of the world. Unwittingly asked another question of dh... one I thought was caring, at which he took offense because he took it as judgmental. I back-peddled and told him of my concern. Too late. The anger and hurt grew.
From the lesson on relationship communication styles I read that mind reading fallout happens when needs are not being met and assumptions are made that the other person is only looking after their own needs & is unhappy in the relationship. (I think dh and I both do this). That's a whole lot of misunderstanding happening during empty space... during silence....
a lot of effort wasted looking between the lines.
Here is a good example... I'm always telling the health educators that their questions are annoying. What I don't say is that I find them annoying because they make me think... think hard... think differently... the questions challenge me to go beyond my assumptions... go beyond my comfort zone. What I don't say is that I, in fact, welcome these questions.... and am grateful to be thus challenged. Telling someone they are annoying is a good way to put them on the defensive... to "pull" a hostile response from them. (fortunately for me... these are trained professionals I've been insulting!)
I'm sorry that I have communicated negativity where it was not meant. I guess I was trying to be funny :/ I welcome your questions... your challenges. I do. Thank you for your patience with me. Your insight and prodding is much appreciated.
I hope I can translate this into more effective communication with dh and others.
good questions... as always Ashley. Still annoying... but good
I think it was hard to be hit with the realization of more work before I'd fully managed the "I'm not scared of his anger" phase. You are right... it is a journey, not a destination. I needed to be reminded of that. I wanted to practice one skill before going on to the next. But I realize the timing really is up to me. After reading your posts, as well as Craig's... I am going to shove the new "realizations" to the back burner and take this weekend to celebrate and REWARD just getting to this point... getting through an argument and staying present. Sure there is more work to be done. There always is. But I need to pause, not only to catch my breath but to acknowledge and appreciate the progress I have made. No baby to care for this weekend and dh is working both days... so I have two days to do whatever I want... perhaps some art... maybe some reading... maybe just doing nothing!!!! It's up to me and I intend to listen moment by moment to whatever it is I need.... hmm ... a long afternoon nap sounds good too. We shall see :) thanks for the reminders and encouragement. No way could I be doing this on my own without the support "ya'll" offer. I am truly blessed. Thank you, thank you!!!
Try not to take this as a defeat at all. It is just another area to improve and grow. From what I know of you I am sure you will have no trouble articulating how you feel when in conflict; it will just take a little practice. Remember it is a journey and not a destination, being aware of other places to grow is a HUGE benefit.
What about more work to do in this area makes you feel awful?
Thank you Craig. I was still feeling pretty low this morning until I read your post. I especially like the part about allowing ourselves to feel a sense of accomplishment ... whether other people can see it or not ... AND finding it in unlikely places. Beautifully written. Thank you for your support and encouragement.
I am glad to read about the progress you have made when it comes to avoidance. I think that it is rewarding inside to feel a sense of accomplishment after completing a difficult task that plagues us internally. Whether other people can see it or not by the face we put on to go out in the world, there are times when we get the satisfaction we were searching for all along, and sometimes it turns out in the most unlikely of places. But you DO deserve rewards in life for your triumphs and your efforts you've put into making yourself a better person. I hope everything works out for the best for you. You know you have the support of all of us.
Oh Ashley... you know I have a hard time with rewards. Accomplishing a normal adult conversation is pretty rewarding in itself. Besides, I apparently spoke too soon... I met with my therapist today and we focused on my style of communication... what I do that puts people on the defensive. She pointed out that I need to explain myself better... explain what I'm thinking and why before I ask for a response from people. I need to let them know me first. That just leaves me feeling awful. I don't know why. so much more work to do ... a reward does not seem appropriate :(
I'm still working on avoidance one... just wanted to report a moment of success.
Yesterday dh had a very defensive and angry reaction to a question I asked him. Ordinarily, such a reaction would mean total shut down on my part to the point of removing myself from his presence and being unable to converse with him for days out of fear that something I said would trigger his anger again. Instead, I remembered what I learned here... stayed calm... let him have his "knee-jerk" reaction... stayed present until it eventually blew over... asked him what was wrong with what I asked... he felt I was critisizing him... which was not my intent... I just wanted to understand better... yada, yada, yada. He got to vent. I was scared but did not run. We came to an understanding and the evening went on... no big deal.
It sure sounds like no big deal... but I have to tell you... it is HUGE! I didn't run away. He wasn't left being the bad guy. We conversed as adult people in (what I assume to be) a normal, adult manner. Wow! Thank you Pete, Vincenza, Ashley and Craig for helping me get to this place. I will surely have many more opportunities to practice and finetune this new skill but don't feel too anxious about what is to come. HUGE I tell ya.... HUGE!
Hi Ashley. Thanks for your vote of confidence. How does it fee?... right now I'm feeling exhausted, depleted... gonna just let it be for a bit. Long term? It feels great to have such freedom & confidence growing within and beginning to leak out now and then
Pete and Craig... I too have had terrible social anxiety to the point of being unable to leave my house and "hiding" as much as possible when I was forced to go out. Working through the program on the sister anxiety site help me immensely. I understand that what works for me may not work for you, but.... I would like to suggest you both head over there and at least read through the info on social anxiety and visit the forums. There are a few recent threads discussing anxiety that are truly fantastic.
~m, thanks for sharing so openly. Yes, confrontation takes courage
but you are so right when you say it is worth it. It also makes the
next time easier. I love hearing about how much you are learning and
all your hard work. It is inspiring. I hear so much more positivity in
you. How does it feel?
Pete and Craig Christ, I am interested in your discussion. It can
be uncomfortable for anyone to put yourself out there in social
situations. Even individuals who do not have issues with anxeity can
feel discomfort when put in a new social situation. But the more you do
it, the easier it becomes and in the long run putting yourself out
there and being uncomfortable for the shirt term does pay off in the
long run. What I find helps me is to remind myself that others feel
discomfort too, that it is normal and it will pass. How do you think
your life would be different if you changed today? If you were able to
put yourself out there now?
Ashley, Health Educator
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