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Problems with avoidance

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 223

"It's the safety I feel when I don't talk to anybody that makes me continue it."

Right there, Craig, you've said it right there and hit the nail bang slap on the head. Safety.

Y'know, I've spent the most of my life behind a triple-layered, armoured shell, convincing myself that I didn't need human contact, that I was happy that way, that I was safe in there. It took me 35 years to see through that illusion and it's 35 years more difficult for me to do anything about it now, but you've done that already.

You are very wise and self-aware for someone so young (at least compared with my 50 years - I don't mean to patronise). You've got a whole future in which to blossom and grow, and I'm sure you shall.

see you around (but not for a meal!!!)

Pete

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 36

I absolutely agree with you, Pete. I act in a much similar way towards people to avoid social situations. I never eat in public unless I am with a close family member, I make myself look like I don't want any social interaction, because I think it will help me. But in fact, it does the opposite! Even if someone says they are content with being alone or enjoy loneliness, at some point, they will want to interact in some way. It is human nature to crave attention in one way or another, and I have found that the more isolated and lonely I act, the more miserable I am inside. It's the safety I feel when I don't talk to anybody that makes me continue it. For someone like me, avoidance is very difficult to...well, avoid. I'm sure others on this site can relate to how I feel.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 223

Absolutely, avoidance is just a natural reaction. If something makes me uncomfortable/unhappy/ill then the natural thing to do is avoid it when possible. If avoidance is not possible, then a swift escape.

It's difficult to force myself not to avoid the things that make me anxious or panicky. In my case, that is mainly social situations (and my phobia has a pretty wide definition of 'social'). I'll cross the road to avoid anyone I know, whether I like them or not. I'll go without a meal rather than have to eat it with anyone apart from my closest family. I will deliberately adopt a closed-in posture, silence or monosyllabic stupidity to discourage any attempts at conversation. I have lied and spent money and time to avoid social situations and anything else that intrudes upon me in a way I don't like.

By now, I'm very good at it indeed. It's a way of life, and happens almost unconsciously. Just the way I behave.

I can see the benefits of facing what I fear when talking about it in the abstract, but come the real situation my resolve melts away and I tell myself that I am dealing with it by escaping. The upshot of all this is that my self-esteem takes a dive with every act of avoidance, and I constantly berate myself for a coward.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Yes, but avoidance is so much safer in the short run... limiting... but safe. I like safe. But I don't want to be safe and miserable. I'm glad you wrote about this Vincenza. My first reaction to offending a member on another thread was to run away... his too. But we both stuck around, came back, explained, apologized, forgave... what freedom that brings! Maybe I can do that in real life now too instead of hiding all the time. I spend so much time walking on eggshells around the ppl I care about. Avoidance is actually rather exhausting...

Looking at the section on relationships... I'm not surprised that my method of communication is passive. I AM surprised to recognize the aggressive moments that explode out of long term passivity. It seems obvious as I read through the materials but I really didn't get this before. I've read through the communication in relationships section maybe twice on each site (anxiety and depression) but did not recognize myself :/ until now. Sheeeeesh... more shtuff to sort out.

The discomfort in clashing with a member has actually paid big dividends for me. It's emotionally exhausting though. And scary. I have a weird feeling of tired and excited. Changing patterns of thought and behavior is a lot of work

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1853

Members,

When we avoid things due to anxiety, we miss out. As you probably already know, escaping the situation you find yourself in when you have a panic attacks can lead to problems.

• Problem 1: Some situations are more difficult to avoid than others. For instance, if you have a fear of snakes but you live in the city, it’s probably not a huge cause for concern. Chances are you’ll only be exposed to them at the zoo or pet store. However, if a person fears wide open spaces, crowds, shopping malls or riding in public transportation in can cause a much bigger problem.
• Problem 2: Escaping & avoiding situations works well to reduce anxiety in the short-term. However, in the long-term avoidance makes things worse. The problem is that escaping works too well. When you escape a situation, you receive immediate relief. The result is you become really good at escaping and avoiding. When you think about it, not dealing with problems isn’t what you want to be good at.

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