I am glad that you are coming to terms with your divorce and family issues. These things take time. I am glad to hear that you are making progress in this slow journey out of depression! We are here!
Wow Rebbie. I was really moved by this post. It was incredible to read that you are moving from a self-blaming place to one where you realize that sometimes it doesn't matter what you do-- the person you are loving so much has a disorder that makes it impossible for him to give you what you need.
I hope your regrets don't last long. You've learned so much and it sounds like you've raised wonderful sons. I hope you walk tall and hold on to that understanding that you're okay-- that you were enough, and that you are enough. That you are a beautiful caring person deserving of love. It sounds like your giving that to yourself finally. Bravo.
Last week when I met with my counselor, he was concerned because I'm still struggling with accepting the end of a 25-year marriage. It's been 3 years since the divorce and I'm still thinking that I could have saved it or made it work if I had just tried harder or loved him better. After discussing some of the things my counselor and I have talked about over the past few years, I came to realize that the person I was married to has an antisocial personality and a tendency for narcissism. When I Googled Antisocial Personality Disorder, I discovered that this is a picture of the man I married. The lies, the cruelty, the lack of remorse when he hurt me, the inability to commit to a long-term relationship, etc. My family and friends have been telling me for years that I was not to blame, but deep down inside I always thought I could've made it work if I just had the right "formula." I never wanted to be divorced and I never wanted my children to experience a broken family. But my boys are young adults now and they seem to be accepting this change in their lives better than I am. :-)
It seems funny, but I felt as if a ton of guilt, sadness and regret was lifted off of my shoulders when I read the information on this personality disorder. I actually realize now that I couldn't have done anything different or better. Maybe I was just ready to accept that now, but I kind of wish I believed my family and friends when they tried to convince me of this. But, no matter, the lesson is learned and I really feel like I am making progress in this slow journey out of depression.
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