Thanks Brenna, That's some good stuff to think about.

Null, Challenge those negative thoughts. You've said no sane woman on this planet would have anything to do with you. 1. What’s the evidence that the thought is true? 2. What’s the evidence that the thought is not true? 3. What is the worst possible thing that could happen and how would you cope if it did happen? 4. What’s the best possible thing that could happen? 5. What would most likely happen and how would you cope if that happened? 6. What’s another way of thinking about this situation? What else could be going on? 7. What would you tell a friend of yours if they were in this situation and had the same negative thought? 8. What’s the effect of believing the negative thought? 9. What would happen if you didn’t believe the negative thought? 10. What are some alternative thoughts in this situation? Stay strong and believe in yourself. Brenna, Bilingual Health Educator

Maybe it is one of my "buttons." Maybe I wish there was another woman? Maybe she's mocking me because no sane woman on this planet would have anything to do with me?

Hi NullPointer You are so strong to have come this far by yourself. Without anyone else to help you stay in reality, it's so easy to doubt your perceptions and second-guess your decisions. It's strange for me to read about your wife's behaviour as there are so many commonalities with my ex-husband. The abusive personality type, I suppose, but you'd almost think there's a manual out there somewhere :confuse: Yes, it's scary, the prospect of stepping out on your own, but not nearly as scary as the prospect of staying in that relationship. With nobody to back you up, you're going to have to muster all your courage to stand your ground. She knows every single one of your buttons, and is no doubt an expert in how and when to push them. I'm concerned that she'll use the kids to get back at you -- would she? And NullPointer, whether or not there's another woman is immaterial. It sounds as though it's one of your buttons, because you've denied that you're leaving because of another woman more than a couple of times in just the 2 posts I've read. I remember wishing that my husband had had an affair, or had actually physically abused me so that the scars would be visible and people would understand the truth of why I'd left. But people will believe whatever they want to believe. Even if you started seeing someone 6 months after your divorce, there would be people who would say that she was the reason you left your wife. Your wife might say it to her friends regardless, as it's an easy excuse for her to absolve herself of any responsibility for the breakdown of your marriage. You know that you're leaving for you -- that's all that matters.

You gotta hang in there, Null. You are doing the right thing. The trouble is it is bound to get worse before it gets better. Don't let her beg you to come back or promise that things will get better. She just wants to control you. But cry to settle as much as possible without a lawyer. All they do is cost you both money. Use your cyber-friends for support. It will get better if you can just hang on.

Everyone, Thank you for your replies Sylvie, I didn't mean to overlook your question: At this point, what would help you with your progress? How can it be achieved? I've made good progress with assertiveness. I still have serious problems with self esteem. I feel so evil. I feel like I deserve the pain I have in my mind. I don't know what would help me with my progress. I was doing a lot better with people until just recently. I wish I had a friend that was actually "in person." I feel alone and I feel like no one really cares about what happens to me. I think that even though it's so hard and I'm so afraid, I think that getting away from the constant negative attacks that I get from Ms. will be good for me. I don't really think it I will be happy once it's over. Just less unhappy.

I've been so stressed about this whole thing. I was so stressed Tuesday night that I thought I was going to die. Every part of me hurt. Wednesday I had a really bad episode where I got all confused and disoriented. I was so embarrassed because it was at work and I couldn't speak and make sense. Can you believe this? So, Ms. had called early to cuss me out and realized I was having a problem. She came over to get me and went to psych with me. She thought I was "high" from the medicine I'm taking & was going to set things straight. He set her straight though... It was worth wasting my appointment just to see him deal with her. Ha! So I went back to work and then Wednesday night, she came to the office and made the biggest scene. I was so embarrassed. She wanted to get me fired. Turns out that she had taken my phone and she also found some of the exercises that the psychiatrist has had me do. So someone had phoned (turned out to be my therapist) and hung up when she answered. Then she saw a couple emails between me and my friend. I told you already: Don't get onto me about that. OK, my friend is a woman, but we're just friends. We talk about our families and our pets and it's not one of those internet affairs. Ms. just doesn't like it that I have a friend. Then she went off on this bizarre tirade about me having an affair with someone at the office. What?? Sorry folks, I'm not having an affair with anybody. So she fussed and cussed me all Wednesday night. Then Thursday morning starting at about 4:30 AM, she started mocking my sexual organs and performances and then proceded to mock my entire character and my life, explaining that no one would ever like me or want to be my friend and how crazy I am. Thursday night she wanted to talk. I stayed calm again and I was very proud of that. I'm sorry though, I had to tell her that I wanted to end our marriage. I don't want to leave the children... I just want her out of my life. So now she's scared that I mean it because in over 17 years I have never said that I want "us" to be over. She's talked to me all Friday night till I couldn't stay awake. She talked all this morning. She talked until my head felt like it was going to explode. She wants to "fix" our relationship and said that I wasn't interested in "fixing" it. It hurt so bad. I had to get honest with myself and with her: I've been trying to "fix" things ever since the first time she wanted to leave me. Damn. That's been for about 15 years I've tried to "fix" things. I've spent so much of my life trying to make things right. Do you know how many times she's said she was leaving me? Probably about 50. Then every time it seemed like we'd worked things out, I'd find out that nothing was worked out. Nothing is every going to work out. I don't want to hurt the kids.. they are 15 & 13... but she's getting so bad. I can't spend 5 more years like this. Y'know what? I think she's just angry because I am in control now. She's not ready for this to be over. I am. In 5 years, she wants it to be over. That's OK, probably because by them she'll be guaranteed alimony for the rest of her life. I guess she doesn't think I know that. I'm scared though. I don't have a place to live yet. I've retained an attorney and in the next week or two, she's going to be served with the papers. I've told her that I want to work together to get a reasonable agreement together... I don't think she's going to be cooperative. But folks, I don't want to leave her for another woman. No way. That's not what this is about. I need to leave for me. I just have to. If I am going to have any chance of recovering, I have to get away from her. I have one last chance to get myself together... I think I need to take it.

Hi, Nullpointer. Very glad to see you back and to see that you've decided on your future ... what will you do about your children? I know that you've been talking about the same kind of abuse for a long time now and I congratulate you on not taking any more. What you have been describing is dreadful and I can only hope that your wife doesn't treat her children in the same way? Although I believe that when she has been abusing you she is already abusing the children insofar as they are learning how to humiliate others... Find new friends and begin to enjoy yourself and get the respect you deserve from others.

Hi NullPointer I read your post with a mixture of sorrow and admiration. I think that it's one of the hardest decisions anyone could have to make, to end a marriage, especially when you have children. But it's the right thing to do for all the reasons you gave, and it takes a great deal of courage to make the decision and to act on it. It sounds as though you've made huge progress with your thinking and your self-esteem, since you are not only feeling better outside the home but are also able now to stand your ground in the face of the barrage from your wife -- that's so wonderful. How old are your children? Are you going to take them with you?

Hello NullPointer, Great to hear that you're feeling better. You've been through a lot and you need to take care of yourself. At this point, what would help you with your progress? How can it be achieved? Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator