Members, Thank you so much for sharing your insperational stories with us. It's very motivating. Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

Thanks for the input. It's sad to hear about your difficult childhoods, DL and wildcat. It's strange, in a way, how that parent-child bond is so strong that regardless of how they treat us, we still hunger for their acceptance and approval. I had none of this, growing up. My parents are/were (my father passed away 2 years ago) caring people who raised us well with respect and kindness, which is why I feel so guilty for feeling resentful of their lack of support now. Yet it's also why I feel so confused and hurt. We are good people, raised with good values and yet they leave me to struggle all by myself. Cognitive dissonance? My mother probably would be the best one to speak with. I guess what I'm having difficulty with is whether or not it's best to speak at all. On one side, I'm slowly learning to value myself and my feelings and to think in terms of being true to myself rather than of not upsetting anyone. On the other side, I know that there are times when it's best to just let it go. When it comes to family, though, it all gets muddled. Like you, DL, I'm afraid that they'll see me as weak and pathetic, and their opinion of me is so important. As I say that I realize that if I'm worried that they'll see me as weak and pathetic, the real issue is that I still believe that I am weak and pathetic. Back to my homework, then. And perhaps this isn't an either-or situation -- I can speak with my mother while I work on letting go of the need for my family's validation. Perhaps if I learn to respect and approve of myself, my need for their good opinion won't be as strong? Thank you all for being so supportive. My advice to you, DL, about your brother would be: if it's important to you, write the letter. If, on your deathbed, you'll regret not having put your pride aside and reached out to your brother, write the letter. You'd think that I'd listen to myself every once in awhile, wouldn't you? Wildcat, you sound like an amazing mother. It takes a strong and centred person to be able to accept the bad things that happen, to learn from them and behave in a way that breaks the cycle. So many parents who were raised in harsh environments go on to do the same to their own children, but you haven't. And, as uncertain as you may have been about your acceptability and lovability, you opened your heart and a wonderful man entered. I think that you know this, but I wanted to let you know that other people see it as well :) I'll get into your further questions, Danielle, in another post -- this one's long enough!

Hello members, I'm glad to see my question has led to some great introspective reflections among some of you. You're all on great paths and I'd like to throw out a few more questions to help you keep digging. You may want to ask yourself what your parents taught you about earning their acceptance and approval? Did you acquire it through accomplishments only? What impact did this have on your self-esteem? What impact did your self-esteem have on the rest of your upbringing and adulthood? Do you see a recurring behavior or pattern? Hope this helps. Danielle, Bilingual Health Educator

hi guys, My hurts I held on to (still do) for so long because I did not know how to resolve the initial trauma. I had to let go of my created expectations... my father died in 2002 and I stiil think I am as worthless as he said I was 28 years ago. I have perfectly Normal expectations for my children and I am a "surprisingly" good mother to them. So why do I hold on to the double standard and judge myself against the one God has been found lacking ?? Perhaps this is part of my depression symptomes and I am not thinking/reasoning properly... Also, this could be a bad habit, it takes 21 tried to form a new habit and I have not had the energy to INVEST up till now. And that brings me to another notion. depression hurt me. It left scars on my body and on my soul. i have been putting all my energy into healing. And avoiding, and hiding and not facing issues were part of my process. Much like slow walks and no lifting were part of the healing of my c-sections and sitting for 3 months with my left foot in the air for my exploded ankle was part of healing that trauma. I let the old patterns in place and did the best i could to deal with the cuts and bruises the words and judgements left on me. I also wanted to be accepted by my parents. If I could not be loved by them who were showing me to be human how could anyone else accept and love me? If I was not able to build this basic relationship as all normal babies do how could I expect to become a normal adult... i must be different/defective. I must be a true "minable" and I had better work really hard to be somewhat useful to society. And because I never will have someone say: "I am so proud that you took your steps sweety" "wow you said maman, you are growing up so fast my love" I will never feel truely acceptable. well maybe I will learn to feel this one day... but I am a long way off.

Confused, I see where you are from my own experience... I haven't had a friendly relationship with my older brother for decades... although an alcohol abuser himself he distanced himself from me when i was caught in my addictions to narcotics which had come about through chronic pain and a will to 'disappear' from the planet into narcosis - he hates emotion of any kind and so my whining at him about my problems, depression, chronic pain, diabetes and so on left him stony cold and desperate to get away from me. I did manage to resolve my anger with my parents (they were physically abusive long before the word 'abusive' came to mean what we understand it to be today)well before they died and I learned so much about myself and them during those final years. We too were brought up in a comfortable home, well educated at private schools and all three children have university degrees. My mother was one of the first set of women graduates of Manchester University and my father was an auto-didact who rose to become Chief Air Traffic Control Officer. But all the environmental advantages aside all three of us children (68, 62 and 60 now!)have had monstrous psychological problems as we developed into adults... even now we battle the same lingering ghosts and Black Holes from our youths... being called stupid, being told we would end up swinging from a gallows, selfish, ungrateful,destined to become "navies at best" and so on and so on... but there were the holidays, and the sunday dinners and the Christmases and the Easters - but it passed and we became adults of a kind... we developed adult relationships with our parents and could speak about our problems and be understood and apologised to for their part in the difficulties we suffered. Reading your post leads me to think that you will benefit greatly by speaking to your mother... she seems to be the most sympathetic and understanding of your situation even tho' she may be a bit withdrawn about it... would I be out of place to suggest that you either set up an appointment with her so you could tell her in a calm, rational way just what you have been and are now dealing with or could you write her a long letter describing a history and analysis of what has brought you to this point??? I am not equating my dire experience with your background at all but the balance is that you still have to find a way to speak to your family and to be understood by them and I feel that your way in is through your mother... as anglo-saxons (my mother was English to the core) we're not very good at emoting but we pride ourselves in keeping that 'stiff upper lip' in times of trouble - I alwyas believed that the Irish in me would out and be understood and I've spent long trying my best to communicate clearly - my sister and I can talk to each other but I'm still saddened at the 'loss' of my brother and I have no idea now how to speak to him now. Do speak to your Mother soon... best way to get rid of the "hurt" - you need it and I can assure you that she loves you enough to make a real effort to get with your programme... God knows, you're not asking for an endowment, are you? There's nothing for her to be afraid of in the end - nor you... understanding and forgiveness is not toxic, is it?? Danielle's question is in the nature of "Cui Bono" - who benefits from this hiding and holding onto pain? Not your family, so it must be you (me too) and it must be so for Wildcat also...and the only way to dissipate the hurt and the pain is to let it out and watch it as it vaporises in the end... I hope! I wish I could start a letter like I describe to my brother but I am still afraid that he will find all kinds of weaknesses and be disgusted by such a missive...such negative thinking and pride on my part?!

My family, my wonderful, kind-hearted, well-educated and affluent family, all live within a 15 minute drive from me. My mother, 2 brothers and sister and their families. They know how dysfunctional and abusive my ex-husband was. They know that I'm struggling with depression and haven't worked much in over 2 years, and they know that I'm raising 2 children on my own with virtually no income. I haven't done anything to offend, and yet the only time I see them is at family get-togethers. When I moved home from Australia after my divorce, they gave me a pat on the back -- their way of acknowledging that I'd been through a tough time. My mother calls quite regularly, and will take the girls to and from extra-curriculars if I have a conflict. I know that they are all busy with their own lives, and that we are an emotionally-stifled family who has difficulty with the whole concept of mental health. And I know the whole bit about people who haven't been here don't get it, but you don't really "get" bereavement, or cancer, or major surgery either, if you haven't been there. It hurts. Even more so because this is the family whose standards are so deeply embedded in me and that I continually fail to live up to. I fully realize that it's very likely that I've elevated the standards in my own head over time, and feeling like a failure is my issue to deal with -- I'm working on it. It still hurts. And reading Danielle's comment to wildcat about focusing on why we hold on to it rather than what we're holding on to ("grief and grieving") just makes me grumpy because I realize that she's right. I don't really want my family to step in and save me... well, sometimes I do, but I know that depression isn't something that you can be pulled out of by anyone other than yourself, and even an attempt to save me would make me feel very uncomfortable. I guess that all the stuff that happened with my ex over the holidays re-surfaced old hurts, and I realize that I still want them to say "Bad man!" and hold me while I cry. So, back to Danielle's question then: why am I holding onto this hurt? Is it another way of avoiding dealing with my depression (I'm really good at coming up with avoidance tactics)? Possibly. But how do I let go of it? Do I just stop thinking about it? Concentrate on myself and getting better? Or is it that I'm still looking for their blessing/approval for my decision to end my marriage? Probably. Then still, how do I let go of that? The need for approval is a pretty common and deep-seated need, especially approval from parents. Can we ever really let go of it? I think I've lost my perspective on this, and I'd really appreciate any thoughts.