Hi everyone (and Phillygirl especially)
I'm not even sure if I'm doing this right to be honest as I only just joined the Panic Centre a few days ago and I've not posted anything before. This is going to be a long post, and I do hope there is maybe someone out there who might read it and perhaps understand where I'm coming from. I've felt so alone with my anxiety it would be amazing to know there are others out there too who understand....
I read your post Phillygirl and do empathise with where you are at - in my view it takes a lot of courage to try to come of medication (and you have such a good reason to try it with wanting a baby) that you feel helps you with your anxiety symptoms. I really hope it goes well for you.
I think I've had anxiety for a long long time, like since I was about 3 years old I think.. and had a 'breakdown' about 15 years ago and was off work for some weeks - that was due to an abusive relationship and the man I was with being ultra controlling and constantly criticising me, saying I was sleeping with all my friends, hating my family (basically trying to isolate me) and I just ended up not even being able to finish my sentences, like a kind of 'freeze' reaction I think looking back. I gradually got better (luckily my mum took me away for a break and I then ended the relationship with the man and after that things got better very quickly).
Then about 3 years ago, and I know this willl sound ridiculous to some people, my old cat died, I got three new cats and things went downhill - one of the cats had to have an eye operation after I'd only had him 5 days, two of them were constantly fighting (despite them coming from the same home and the rescue centre saying they would definitely get on well) - so I had to rehome one of the three. Then one of them badly injured his paw and had an emergency operation. Then (and this was all within about 6 months I think) one of them got Cystitis - 9 months later, and having spent over £3000 on special food, blood and urine tests, xrays, MRI scans, special food, various antibiotics, Felliway plug ins all over the house etc etc, nothing helped and he would have died in an awful way, so had to be put to sleep.
During that time, after about 4 months of it all, I was signed off work with anxiety. I'd started seeing a therapist, paying £45 per week privately, but got worse and worse, more and more obsessed with the cat and him being uncomfortable, in pain. I was on tenterhooks all the time, looking at him like he was a bomb everytime he moved incase he got the symptoms back again. Then when he did get them back, over and over again, I went into meltdown, started shaking, sweating (lordy the sweating was horrendous and ended up being almost constant!), heart beating like crazy, not eating, not sleeping - I guess lots of folks on herre might be able to understand what I'm talking about...?
The doctor prescribed me some antidepressants that he said were for anxiety (I wasn't depressed, just anxious all the time, like ALL the time, and totally obsessed with the cat being ill, or waiting for him to be ill. I could think of NOTHING else at all).
The side effects were horrible, on top of my usual sweating, they made me boiling hot and even more sweaty, but ALL the time now. So he gave me more medication to stop me sweating, which it did, but it didn't stop me being boiling hot, just stopped the sweating, so that wasn't nice either.
And, the meds didn't help with the anxiety at all. Weirdly, I felt NOTHING, when I thought 'how do I feel', I had no idea, there was just blankness inside of me.. deadness.. nothing... except for the anxiety. The meds didn't help the anxiety one bit, but took all my other feelings away. Such a weird feeling.
Basically, they didn't help at all, infact they made matters worse as I was all emotionally detached, which I didn't like one bit and found scary, but was still anxious in the extreme
Eventually, my cat had to be put to sleep. By then I'd become agorophobic, scared of loud noises, living in my head, unable to watch TV or read a book, or go out alone. Gradually, as the cat wasn't there anymore, I calmed down and after about 4 months got back to work.
But, I knew I hadn't dealt with the issue at all. I still had one cat left - Sam - and I lived for 3 years dreading him getting Cystitis or being ill in any way, knowing I wouldn't be a ble to cope with it and would be back to how I was with the first kitty, freaking out and not knowing what to do.
3 years of therapy did pretty much nothing to help me deal with the anxiety at all.
In early August this year, Sam got Cystitis. They saying 'lightening doesn't strike twice' and the vet said it would be very unlikely I'd have two cats with the same illness. Well, lightening does strike twice and Sam got Cystitis. I went into meltdown, thought I was going to faint when I was trying to get him in his basket to go to the vets. But we got there, the vet said a lot, none of which I really took in, he had an injection and by the time we got home, he was fine.
But, I wasn't, I spent the next 6 weeks or so on tenterhooks again, waiting for him to 'go off' and have cystitis again, thinking 'I can't cope... it would be horrendous.. I can't stand him being ill or uncomfortable... perhaps I shouldn't have pets at all as I can't cope with it.. but I love him and can't get rid of him, i have to put him first, not me... I'm stuck.. there's no escape...' etc.
I'd bought Claire Weekes book when my first cat was poorly and read it, but never actually put an of it into practise. So I reread it and took some things from it, like facing and accepting, but I was still scared.
Sam again got Cystitis (that lightening just seems to keep striking!) again last Monday - I was better than the first time (Dr Weekes' ideas did help to some extent) but not good at all. So I reread her book and listened to the DVD I have of her speaking. On Tuesday that week I had a major realisation, that because of the strong physical symptoms of fear I was feeling, I'd attached importance to the thoughts and belived that Sam having Cystitis was some dreadful, awful horrendous thing. She says something about if only you could know that you are feeling like this because your body is sensitised, not because the thoughts are TRUE. That hit home and I believe it.
Then on Thursday last week I had another major realisation, again from listening to Dr Claire - that I feel 'first fear' almost automatically, but its the 'oh my god.. what if' thoughts that I add, that create 'second fear' - and second fear keeps first fear alive! Lordy, that was a huge realisation, and relief!
So I wrote down all my negative thoughts and all the positive ones I could think of to put in their place.
And I have an 'anchor' - a lovely frog necklace I wear all the time - that I hold and think my positive thoughts to.
It's early days, as I've only really felt I have something that might work for me since last Thursday - so just a week ago - but I feel AMAZINGLY better, just amazing. I can see a way out, I'm not jumping when Sam moves or goes outside anywhere near as often and I've not had that real flash of panic since last Tuesday.
So, I've kind of made up my own 'cure' - based on Claire's work plus some CBT on top. And I'm hoping this Centre will help me more in that area, to work on my thoughts and establish them as 'reality'.
For the first time in 3 years I actually feel like I know what to do, a path to follow and although I know it's not going to be an overnight change, within the last week I've made massive steps forwards which I can't quite believe.
I have a new therapist (who I was going to do EMDR with) who is very good and I met her yesterday and she is there to help in whatever way I want - her motto is 'whatever works for you', so she will be able to support me on this pathway I know and she has other skills other than EMDR to offer, and can use whatever helps me rather than just doing one thing.
Phew, is anyone still there?
I just needed to get that off my chest, so if anyone is still there, thank you so much for listening. I really hope that this site might give me some extra support as that's what it seems to be about, and I do feel I need some extra support so I'm reaching out, hoping someone is listening. And of course, if I can support and help anyone else then I'd be so pleased to do that.
I kind of feel really angry - with my doctor for not telling me the basics that Dr Claire tells us, explaining what is actually going on in our bodies when we are scared as I think that would have perhaps stopped me going through 3 years of anxiety and dreading my cat being ill, which is something over which I have no control and which, when it does happen, I want to be able to be calm about. I want to do this, it's a choice and It's okay, there's nothing to be scared about... it's just adrenalin, just sentitisation, there is no real threat there, nothing to be frightened of... feel in the tummy that small bit of courage and help it grow into determination... loosen and relax, let the feelings come, accept them, they don't matter, they can't hurt me.. it's okay, there's nothing to be scared of' - that's kind of my mantra now. And it seems to be working so far.
Phillygirl, if you're there, good luck and I'm sending positive vibes your way.
Thanks
