Hi Ashley,
About 12 years ago I was raped and was suicidal for 3 days and I called a prayer line and the man prayed for me and it was like God surgically removed the pain from me and I was able to go on. Re: the recent rape. I am honestly and truly fine. I did not have suicidal thoughts this time and I've been through it once before and I know the coping skills from the first time. I'm not saying it was okay, what happened, but I am alive and well and I survived and I am mentally and emotionally strong, because I know it was not my fault and I didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes bad things happen and I'm just grateful it wasn't as bad as the first time it happened. Life is rough and you get knocked down and you get up and go forward. I'm not avoiding feelings or anything I am coping well and it is the truth.
The Korean business man and I have been emailing after I returned home. He apologized and said he was not trying to control me, he was making suggestions, but literally, did not intend it to be things I had to do. There is a language barrier and it is easy to misunderstand. With the rape and losing another 12 lbs., because I couldn't find food that I liked, I was in a poor state of mind, understandably so, and obviously so, and I believe it colored my view of Moon. Plus, having been in a controlling relationship with my ex, I see things through that filter, automatically, and jump to that conclusion before seeing if it is really true or if it's what I perceive to be true. I have a strong attachment to Moon for many reasons. He has many good qualities: he is caring, giving, self less, kind, generous, affectionate, encouraging, he believes in me and tells me I can do anything, he's loving and passionate and compassionate. He says, he will follow me. He treats me like a Princess. When I was sick, he took care of me. I know it sounds hypocritical after having said what I said in the previous post. But, we haven't known each other long enough for me to make that judgement call. I haven't given us any time to see how we work out our differences, handle disagreements and problems, and if we can have a good life together. And, I'm not being controlled by thinking this way. I've been staying with my parents and reflecting on things. I've been getting a lot of jobs as a Freelance Writer and Artist on the internet. I am saving my money for the next few months. I have decided that I want to go to San Francisco and I'm leaving on May 10th and I plan to stay there for a few months. I talked to Moon about meeting me there to see if he can live in America, live in my culture and eat American food. He's willing to try, but he also wants to keep his apt. in Korea and get another apt. in China for business. I told him I wanted to stay in the U.S. and we agreed, and have compromised, and this is a good sign. I want to know him longer and play this out until the end, so I don't live with the regret of not trying or giving us a fair chance. If is doesn't work and he goes back to Korea, then I plan to stay in San Fran, get a job, and live single and enjoy my life. I am doing this for me and no one else. I am the only one I have to live with for the rest of my life and I have to live my life the way that I choose. Something has changed in me and I like the new me. This is my journey, and regardless of the destination, I am living my life to the fullest and the way I want to, for the first time in my entire life. Life is short and I cannot sit on the sidelines and watch life go by anymore. I know I can handle anything and nothing scares me anymore. No one can take my confidence away or tell me what to do - no one - not even Moon. No matter what, I will be fine and I will take care of me.
Shari
