I have learned more about myself in the past 24 days than I have in my 26 years of life. Who knew quitting smoking would submerge me into a world of self discovery? This self-discovery process, however, has not always been a pretty picture. To be honest, there are two reasons I started smoking. I will only mention one. I started smoking at twenty as a way to cope with weight issues. I was not overweight but just struggling with an image I thought I wanted and needed to be. Some of my friends used cocaine to curb weight gain (and help in weight loss), I turned to tobacco. It seemed the lesser of two evils.
Years of fad diets, weeklong fasts, cleanses, etc left me spinning in a cycle of self-hatred and self-loathing. In between these crazy times, there would be weeks where I would feel good, normal, healthy, and thin. I would regularly exercise and eat healthy food. But, then food and exercise became obsessions. I would only eat certain food (fruit and vegetables excluding starchy veggies) or would go on exercise rampages (exercising hours a day).
For the past 2 years or so, my husband, family and friends have all helped me tremendously to get the weight and image issues under control. I have seen a dietician that has helped compile a healthy eating plan. We had rid our place of scales (b/c I do not need to weigh myself 100 times a day). And days (even weeks) would go by where I would not obsess about it. I felt free.
One of the reasons I was scared to quit smoking was because of the so called inevitable weight gain. In the past 24 days, I feel myself returning to my old ways, obsessing about weight. I don’t have a scale so I do not know if I have gained weight. But, on feeling alone, I think I have. I have been running and eating healthy and yet still I feel horrible. I am having panic attacks that keep me up at night. What happens if I gain a lot of weight and I can’t get it off? What happens if this quitting process brings back my eating disorder full force? I am seriously terrified.
I am sorry to have totally rambled on but I just thought that if I got it all out it may help. Does anyone have any suggestions? Please.
~Alice
