Feeling lost, incapable, insufficient
Hello. Today is not a good day after having had a pretty good day yesterday trying to find ways to laugh. I didn't sleep very well at all last night having had many bad dreams and constantly waking up. Probably what hasn't helped is that I completely forgot to take my meds for two days. How dumb was that because it's not like me to do that. But my doctor has said that a couple of days won't make a huge difference but to be careful to not keep repeating that. Every little thing is annoying and frustrating me today.
I'd like to share more of my medical diagnoses with you, some of which I have really struggled with overcoming, and has become more pronounced again with this new bout of depression. I have been diagnosed with anxiety which almost made me lose myself on Friday. That was really scary and that's when my work people surrounded me with their compassion and concern and have made me more determined to get through this! Who would have thought that a company you work for could care so much. But I guess it's not the company, it's the people, and having such a system in place to help people is amazing!
Another thing I've been diagnosed with is obsessive-compulsive-avoidance disorder. The wheels are constantly turning and never seem to stop. The same things go round and round and one of the things I do to not obsess is to ask myself is "Is there anything you can do about it right now?" And if I can't then I try to find something else to do. It's hard but it helps somewhat. My biggest struggle with this is the avoidance part. I do my utmost to avoid any situation in which conflict may arise and thus it makes it very difficult getting dressed and leaving the house. Every workday morning is a struggle and though I was doing pretty good for quite a while, I'm back to just wanting to pull the covers over my head and pretend it's not something I have to really do! And surprisingly, for the most part I enjoy my job and some of it's challenges. My daily life after work is to get home as quickly as I can and shelter myself. I feel safest and I know it's not healthy. The saddest part is that when I do get the strength and courage to go out that door I wonder why I don't do it more often!
Today I printed off the mood tracker worksheets and while I know it's a valuable tool I fear that I'll keep forgetting to do it. But I will try hard to make it something I carry with me.
I'm feeling really sad and vulnerable today. Just writing here has been helpful. I'm not always the best at expressing myself and tend to ramble but I'm glad there is a place to safely do so. Thanks all and have a freeing day! Peace.
P.S. My age is 57 and it's exasperating to see it says I'm 114. I think I must have done something twice, but, who knows. Mustn't obsess must I?
