It is funny because I often think of myself as a confident person. It has only been in the last year or two that I realized my drinking and social patterns are so connected, and that they are a result of my needing something to ease the situation. I have begun to notice how much little interactions with other people can be stressful to me. I often refer to having friends, or needing to socialize as something I need to "deal with." I get really nervous and put off making even the smallest phone calls.
Whenever I am in a business meeting, social gathering, or situation of any kind where there is alcohol, my alcohol use ramps up in a big way. I honestly, can control the alcohol use (most of the time) when I am by myself. I rarely keep alcohol at my house. I often go days at a time, without wanting to drink, or noticing I am not drinking.
Then as soon as I am in a social situation, it is like I want to to drink very very much. I am the first one to suggest drinking, I often drink the most, and I drink fast. These are all signs that other people and social mixing triggers this behavior in me. I also have a reputation as being someone who likes to drink, so this reinforces the entire thing. Because people know i like drinking, so they make sure to have alcohol when I come over. I am used to this identity and I play right into expectations.
I have never learned how to break this social drinking display I put on. As I mentioned above, when I am alone, I feel in control. I don't like drinking that much in front of other people. I don't like that reputation as a drinker. I don't like feeling that I have exaggerated my stories, and repeated myself too much when I think about it the next day.
In short, I feel like a fool on two legs sometimes. I feel that I don't show people who I really am. I am actually not this drinker, loud, person when I am alone. It is something I put on, and no one likes it, not even me.