I went back looking for the last time I posted a panic attack. I mean a bad one, full blown. I couldn't find it and like last time I couldn't get it down fast enough to record it fully. They just don't last. And this one was full blown and I know why I had it. The reason is too technical and you would have to understand the thought triangle and how memory plays into it and how stressful circumstances can erode positive memory allowing negatives to appear. Suffice to say it happened and I know why, just as I knew how to stop it and how to keep it and it's effect out of memory where it could do damage.
I awoke in a state of panic with no trigger, it was just there and it was bad. Almost all the symptoms I used to get with one exception, because I knew what was happening I calmly dealt with it as best as possible considering the confusion.
I was cold, my bowels were loose and my heart was racing and on top of that I had suicidal thoughts because I was terrified and didn't want to go through with this again. It has been so long since this happened. And to think I used to have these every night at around two in the morning and they would last for up to five hours by the clock even though in the morning I could only remember a few minute or even only that I had one. Much like I feel now.
This time there was the confusion stopping me from thinking clear. That is so horrible, probably the worst part of a panic attack. There were the other symptoms which this time I recognized as just that even though it didn't stop them.
I'm sitting here pissed off because it was so bad I resorted to 2 mg of valium and phoned the hospital to talk myself down. They are very good about listening which is more than I can say for the crisis line. I was actually put on hold once by the guy on the crisis line. Maybe he had to pee.
I really wanted to record this so you can see that I really do know what a full blown panic attack is like. CBT won't let me do that. The change of thought patterns won't let me go there. The valium was two hours ago and too small of a dose to do more than relax me. I should still be able to replay this. I should be able to induce panic but I can't. I can however feel embarrassment that I had to resort to that. I don't know why because I normally ride out normal panic, even mild attacks. It must have been very bad. Well yes I do, I did journal it as soon as I could type. Forgot that. I'll have to look at it. All I remember is that it was very bad but not as bad as they used to be and that the last one was a very long time ago.
And now I must go back to sleep. Tomorrow I will go on like nothing happened and I don't know if that is good or bad but there is not anything I can do about it. I'm still pissed that I let it happen. I'll get over it.
Davit
This is how CBT works even though right now it may seem not possible to you.
