Boy, this triggered memories I haven't had in a long time. I can't allow my mind to go back there, it is too painful and I immediately start to hyperventilate and get a knot in my throat, like now, so I'll stop.
I've had the paanic attacks that immobilized me - that was when the incidents that created all my PTSD were happening at that instance, so the intense fear and panic attack was real. Those are over - thank God. But I can't think about them and I was very careful who I allowed into my life after that until I did major healing work.
My last panic attack was in B&N a few weeks ago. We had a phone call from a client that triggered it. I tried to do breathing exercise but I was too far gone. The tightness in my throat, the hyperventilating, and the heaving like I would vomit came on too quickly. Luckily my husband was with me and I was actually able to walk over to where he was and tell him. He quickly put down his book and took me outside for fresh air and to talk about it. He got me focused and I was able to calm down at that time. It became more of a controlled attack after that and I knew I would eventually fall apart again. I could feel it in my nerves - still shaky. When I got home I had to pace up and down, up and down for a very long time, my mind felt psychotic, and I couldn't sit still. I thought I needed to go to the emergency room or check myself into the psych ward - I haven't had one like that in 6 yrs. I was able to get ahold of my psychiatrist 's office and just knowing he would see me first thing in the AM was calming enough. He changed my meds around and gave me Rx for Xanax. I had put off getting that type of med but was too afraid it would happen again. Just having it on me and knowing it is there is help enough, so far.
I know why it gets triggered but still can't figure out how to handle situation since I can't talk back to the client the way I would like. The way they speak to me makes me feel like they're an abuser talking to their child instead of being calm and talking the situation out like two equals. It's mom belittleing me all over again. I can self talk and I understand it logically, intellectually but the emotions still rise up.I have learned to wait until next day so the person calms down. Although even the next day my husband finally hung upon him. I think I mentioned this incident on another posting here. And we tell them we cannot let them abuse us or talk to us in that manner. If it happens again with same person, we let them go and lose the account. Our well being is more important to us. Well, I've rattled on, sorry. I guess this was cathartic!
