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first day of therapy

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2606

Hi deb,

Thanks for sharing this with us and allowing yourself to write freely. As you mentioned, writing is therapeutic for you, continue to write as much as you need to. We will read! Definitely keep us posted on the therapy as it moves forward.

What is exciting to you about this? What if it works out exactly as you want it to? What would that look like?

Samantha, Health Educator

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 102

So rambling a little Kat. Sorry. Writing is therapuetic. I guess my point is that my parents weren't there ever. I've had to go through everything by myself, and I consequently picked relationships where the men I've loved couldn't be there for me for their own reasons so I wasn't willing to even entertain the idea anymore. So CBT has been really helpful because I realize, because of my experiences in life, that I formed beliefs that aren't serving me anymore.

Maybe it's okay to let someone in. I've been careful about who that is, and we are both exploring that together. We signed up for a couples retreat May 1st. It's a zen based communication retreat (one day). Another thing I love about him is that he's willing to go do stuff like this early in our relationship just to make it better (not because things are falling apart). Just because he wants to build a solid foundation because he loves me and wants the best possible future. And he wants to support me too in getting better.

I am in love. How in the world could I not be with this man.

That's my relationship update. Will keep you posted on the therapy update as it comes.

Thanks to anyone willing to listen to this long post. It meant a lot to me to write it.

deborah

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 102

My guy is very nice. We have just started talking about living together, marriage, merging families and how we feel about that whole thing. We've taken our time, and have allowed each other space to explore this relationship. It's interesting that after we had this talk, I feel like I've surrendered to something good. Just voicing it allowed me to let him in. I do feel like I deserve a good relationship, and I think that's why I avoided for so long any kind of commitment with anyone. I just never met anyone I wanted to keep seeing.

My depression is weird. I'm not sure if anyone here at this site has something similar. I've had 3 major depressive episodes in my life, and have only taken meds for two of those. The first was when I went through a divorce in 93 (was medicated), the 2nd was when my grandmother died and I was working 5 jobs (not medicated but went on disability for 3 months in 2005), and this latest episode (medicated). I think that maybe I have dysthymia, with periodic episodes of of major. My self esteem is good for the most part, I've worked through all of my childhood stuff (although that never seems to end, does it?). I struggle at times with not being "normal", but realize that I have something good to contribute to this world.

When I was divorced in 93, I shook my fist at the world and said, "I swear that I will never ever be in a postion to rely on a man again." My son was 3, and I put myself through college, and then graduate school in 6 years. I think I may have taken my own vow a little too seriously :). Super independent and thinking I don't need anything from anyone, I've always taken care of myself and my children alone.

will continue in a sec cause I don't want to lose the post.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 113

:) It's good to connect with your therapist, it makes it easier to tell them things when that connection is present. Keep us updated on how things go, but so far it sounds promising.

And your guy sounds really nice, even after you tried pushing him away he still stuck it out! I've pushed many people away in my life because of depression...I guess sometimes it's easy to feel like we, or at least for me, like I don't deserve to have relationships with others, kind of hard to explain, not sure if anyone has ever felt this way...but relationships are so important in themselves, since they do provide the support we sometimes so desperarelyt need.

Kat

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2606

Hi deb,

It is great to hear that your first session went well. Keep us posted on this!

Samantha, Health Educator

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 102

It went well :) I think it helped him understand me a lot more and it brought us closer together. Cool stuff.

deb

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 12049

What a great session!

Do the exercise and journal about it. How did it go? How did it make you feel? I think this therapist really can work with you, so keep it up and let us know how you are doing!

Josie, Health Educator

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 102

Tired!

Nutshell of the rest of it is that she gave me a homework assignment to thank him for his staying power, and tell him why I tend to push him away. So I'll let all of you know how that goes.

Need to go to bed now though :)

My thoughts are with all of you. Thanks for listening.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 102

I had my first day of therapy today. I loved the therapist. We talked about a lot of my background, what triggered my depression, etc.

She asked me a lot of questions that were about when it started this time. I had lots to say (started feeling the downhill around October). We narrowed it down to a number of factors: Job burnout, over work, lack of self care, lack of pleasurable activities, exhaustion. She was wonderful and funny. At one point, she said, so your UU's aren't big enough to feed the world?! That's made me laugh so hard that I thought I would pee.

There was a connection. I saved the last piece that I wanted to talk about for last. I met my current boyfriend in August. And he's worked really hard to be with me. I have been single since 1993, and happily so. I have run domestic violence classes for men for 13 years in our county, and they don't stop coming. Hundreds and hundreds of men. I know every single excuse in the book for why they hurt someone they loved, and they just don't stop coming. I've actually wondered at times if there are any men left in our county that I haven't treated.

Consequently, I have looked at anyone I date very hard for any signs of verbal, physical, or mental abuse. Most of the time, I have one date because I hear something that sends up a red flag.

Okay. So this guy is different. I've been seeing him for 8 months, tried everything in my power to push him away, and he sticks. He has stayed with me through this depression, and loves me unconditionally even if he doesn't quite understand.

Have to continue this in a minute cause my little guy is calling for me.

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first day of therapy