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Specific Problems in Communication III

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Specific Problems in Communication III

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Hi everyone: I have found when counterpunching even if I do try and get back to the first "issue" by saying they are off topic or using a "red herring", they still don't get it. Even using "I" statements, people get upset. You know, instead of saying "you did this and you do that", using statements such as "when this occurs, this is how I feel". It doesn't always work but talking about it, little by little, does work and eventually both parties understand the "rules" of argument/engagement. Being human, we will always have things to be resolved at one time or other and as uncomfortable as it is, might as well face it and get it over with. This seems to be my motto lately, get it over with. lol.

I remember a book I read a few yrs. back. Can't remember the title, but basically about communication. How do you react? How do you speak? We can speak/react as a parent (the authoritarian role), as an adult (the one we aspire to) or as a child (the one who wants his own way). And then you have to look and see how your audience (whomever you are speaking to) is speaking/reacting. Lots more to it but I still think it is a great book. It really helped me to understand where people are coming from.

well, my two cents,

Sunny

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Hi Ashley,

This was a term I had not heard before - counterpunching. But I have experienced a lot of that.

Two things I have come to understand about this. One is that the person who is counterpunching doesn't want to hear the other person. At least not in that moment. And I guess the second is that nothing gets resolved and it can become a vicious cycle if counterpunching is a bad habit one person has in that relationship because one person will bring valid concerns to the table and the other person will not hear them.

From what I have read about mindfulness and eastern philosophies regarding relationships, the antidote to this for the two people stuck counterpunching is patience (and awareness that patience is needed). Because the counterpunching seems to happen in quick succession. Each person ends up trying to talk over the other. There are lots of awful consequences to counterpunching.

It (counterpunching) also "works" better with someone with low self esteem. By that I mean that if someone is trying to express something or talk about a problem, and the other person "hits back" instead, one might put those other issues before their own. Just an observation.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4027

Davit,

I thought of this fellow who "tried too hard", but he still had a bad temper. He could never be funny, was sarcastic and out of place. I couldn't imagine what he'd be like if he held back!

Sorry to interject Ashley

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Ashley

If people have been holding back instead of speaking out it is almost impossible not to lash out when it comes to a boil. Being able to tell when a person means it and when they are just countering is a skill few of us have.

Davit.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4027

I just wish I was assertive, so I wouldn't counterpunch...

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11213

Counterpunching
Counterpunching often goes with kitchen sinking. While kitchen sinking is about the content of what people are saying, counterpunching is about how people are arguing. When people counterpunch during a dispute, they answer a complaint with a complaint. So instead of recognizing, acknowledging and talking about a problem with what they’ve said or done, they “hit back” at the other person with a complaint of their own.

For example:
•    You never take out the garbage
•    You never cut me any slack
•    You’re just lazy
•    I always have to do everything
•    You don’t appreciate how tired I am when I get home
•    Somebody has to work to pay the bills

…and on and on and on it goes. As it is with kitchen sinking, the problem with counterpunching is that the dispute quickly becomes about everything. Everybody feels terrible and nobody’s willing to admit to any problem as their own. As for kitchen sinking, the solution to this problem is to recognize counterpunching when it’s happening and try to keep the dispute focused on the specific situation that’s happening right now.

If one person can recognize counterpunching when it is happening and hold back from trying to “hit back,” then both people have a much better chance of being able to focus on the specific problem at hand.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

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Specific Problems in Communication III