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11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Hi Davit,

When I wrote about the bungee jumping it was an example of something I can't see myself ever doing because I have no desire to. But of course I also feel anxious about it, don't most people feel anxious about jumping off a bridge attached by a cord? :) To me, it is an example of how you could have a personality type that might be cautious, that might look like anxious at times, but is not really a problem. No one in my life needs me to go bungee jumping. I dunno, I don't think I am expressing this property. I don't want to hijack this thread. Maybe it is just a bad example.

No worries.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

loves trees.

Since you don't have to prove anything to anyone and are happy with your personality why bungy jump. What would it prove. On the other hand if you wanted it and your personality needed it then why not. Unless! And this is the kicker. You have to take care of yourself alright but if you are in a good relationship with family friends or some one you love then you do not do things that would hurt them. Unfortunately it happens unintentionally some times. If it happens to you and you think it is being done on purpose then you have a problem. My mistake has been to let them slide rather than rock the boat especially if I'm going to be the one to get hurt.

Davit

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Hi Rohit and Davit,

Davit, one thing I see now that I struggled with for a while was the knowledge you share here about core beliefs. I had good core beliefs all along but they were being muddied big time by the influence of other people who did not have my best interest at heart. Now I know who I am (to a large extent, we are always learning) and the difference between me and other people in regards to beliefs. So I wanted to chime in to say that your insights regarding core beliefs are helpful. I hope they help you too Rohit.

Rohit you replied to my post regarding personality. Your post got me thinking. I do enjoy thinking about personality, what it is and how it gets formed. It got me to think "has my personality changed over the last 5 years (i.e. before I ever tried CBT)? I don't think it has. I think the changes I would claim I hope are more about getting wiser with age!! :) Others here could chime in about whether CBT changes your personality or if it even can.

I have learned a lot about personality as part of self help and CBT the last few years. Here is what I have discovered based on my experience. When we look to others to fulfill needs, we behave in ways that we hope will make them attach to us / make us happy. A lot of this is done subconsciously. So is our behaviour reflective of our personality? Maybe, maybe not. We may be stuck in behaviour patterns that we hope will help us feel less afraid or alone or help with our low self esteem.

If we find (by luck) people who let us be ourselves (because they are strong in who they are) then we are likely to behave with our true personality, to be "ourselves". If we are around other people who also are wanting others to help them feel less afraid, less angry or less alone, will our personality come through if, when interacting with us, they are trying to feel a certain thing instead of letting the experience just be? These are questions I think about that I have posted to see if they help you or anyone else.

Davit can probably express this better than I, and can probably clear up if I have muddled up the difference between personality and behaviours based on core beliefs as he has pondered this more than I have. I spent about 3 decades being told that my personality was to be anxious so its relatively new for me to see that this was someone else's belief about me. It is not my core belief, nor was it ever. I took it in to try to feel close to that person. Which never works. My personality is thoughtful and analytical. That is different from being anxious. At least it is in my view. :)

I don't have this all figured out. For example, I really have no desire to ever try bungee jumping. Is this because of my personality or because of anxiety? Davit? others?

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

I forgot, I am very much like my Father with the same ideals and interests. I seem to get more like him as I draw on memory to find solutions to life. I was second child and therefore not favourite. As tradition in his culture my father gave everything to the first born male and I was left to make my way. My brother was a disappointment to the extent that he was left out of the will. When I look back I see that I have made the same choices and mistakes as my Father. Not all bad. As I left home very early this must come from observation. I am nowhere like my Mother even though I did try to attach myself to her. We had a maid when I was very young. There may be influence there. I am glad I am like my Father, he may have suffered from anxiety but was a far better person than My Mother who was very self centred. My father worked very hard to get what he had and where he was whereas my mother kept looking over the fence, sometimes crossing it even. There was no CBT or medication available for my Father. He eventually found solace in the bottle. I will not go down that road, I have learned from his mistakes.

Davit

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

rohit

A child is born with very little in it's mind. A few survival skills and the beginning of it's personality which it gets from DNA. Everything else is learned. The child learns from the person or persons it is first attached too. Usually parents. Most often the mother but it can be anyone who does most of the care. The first 11 months the child builds pockets of memory to store things it learns. These 11 months are critical. The next 6 years for a total of 7 the child learns by storing everything in these pockets. During this period personality is set and ideas are formed. The child that has a good attachment and lots of care is outgoing and curious because it has a safe place to come back to. The child that is neglected is the opposite. It is usually afraid to try anything new even though it is curious. It may be very intelligent but unable to act on it.

During this period some of this can be straightened out with attention from peers and teachers.

This is where most core beliefs get started. You store in memory what you perceive not necessarily what you see. Many things can colour this memory. One is that I shouldn't do this because my parent wouldn't.

Another is that it is wrong because someone said it was even though I think it is right.

The list of core beliefs is long. The most common are that I'm ugly or that I'm stupid.

You can see how they would affect performance.

Many core beliefs sit dormant for years till something happens to reinforce them and set them off as a priority to your thinking. Such as making a mistake. Instead of shrugging it off it becomes a trigger that sets off similar thinking every time you even get remotely close to making a mistake.

These are negative core beliefs and if this is the case with you they may have been around influencing you silently for thirty years and just now seemingly in your mind necessary for survival. Now they are noticeable because you have questions and memory is usually where you go for answers and core beliefs are where you find the answers. Negative core beliefs will give you negative answers as will positive ones give you positive ones.

Can you change this? Most definitely but with one caveat. You can not erase anything from memory so negative core beliefs will always be there. What you can do is attach a positive one to the negative one in essence burying it and making it not effective. Pick out a thought that you think may be a core belief, something that is influencing your life. Meditate on it carefully in a position or place where there is no outside influence. Is it true? Yes, no, Maybe. Okay what ever the answer, do you want to change it? Negative ones definitely. So now form a mantra out of the words you would use to change it such as "it is not true" Or better yet, "I know it is not true". Another is "I am............ etc."

Do it in your native language or the language you use most or both. You learned one way, you want to fix it the same way.

Dwelling on the negative takes a lot of energy and is very tiring.

Getting easily hurt is a core belief.

Believing you are wrong all the time is a core belief learned from some mistake in early life. Reinforced by other mistakes probably ones you were blamed for even though they were not your fault.

Unable to make decisions could be attached to the above core belief that tells you what ever you decide it will be wrong. Make a decision and accept the consequences. If it is wrong it is wrong and if it is right then it is right. Accept that it is based on a fact not a core belief. Accepting that things are as they are not as your core belief thinks they are is important.

Disturbed thought process could be core beliefs interfering.

I have to post this before I lose it.

Feel free to look up information on core beliefs or just ask.

Davit.

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 101

In continuation with course;I identified following points in my personality-

-Thought process disturb

-Unable to take decision;remain confused

-Gives up under pressure/challanging situation/collapse under work pressure

-I get easily hurt by what others comment on me.Sign of grief & ill feeling clearly visible on my face.Remain in state of fear

-Cannot argue with others.Accept that I am wrong all time for any mistake

These problems prevail in me from my childhood.But they now become so problematic in past two years that I collapse almost.I lost my weight considerably & I lost my job due to anxiety produced by above mentioned characteristics.

Any one possessing or familiar with such characteristic;kindly share the corrective action/manage of the situation.

Davit,

Is all these are a part of my core belief ? If yes then can they be corrected?I remember my father also remain fearful but he was able to manage his job,family & society.

In this fast pace of growing world I feel myself as being very slow & backward.It difficult for me to manage my professional life so I left job.I m only 32 now.

I want to change myself.Is it possible at this age ? I remain free these days and have sufficient time for any activities.

Kindly suggest.

rohit

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

rohit

It matters little if your walls are of soil or cement if your foundation is of mud. I'm saying here to start at the beginning again, build a good strong base with the relaxation and coping but add in attitude. This will be hard with all the pressure to achieve. But once you accept that you have a condition that takes time to cure then you can build on this foundation but build your walls of wood to start with because wood can flex with the pressures and will bounce back. Soil will crumble but if you push cement hard enough often enough it will fall over and you will have to start over. Wood will bend and bounce back even though it will not take as much pressure. Knowing that you will be forced to reduce the pressure for a bit. You can build on this a little at a time. You can start to build the walls of cement where ever the foundation is strong enough but first you need a strong foundation.

You need support from those that matter and those that don't support don't matter. Don't try to build on mud.

If it means standing alone, so be it. It is your foundation.

CBT is changing negative thoughts to positive so you have something to build on. And it is replacing weak structures with stronger with Attitude, and it is checking for rot by diligently looking over what you are doing.

It is all here, you can do it.

I understand your need to achieve and I understand the pressure behind it even though I never had it. I never had to satisfy anyone but me and pride was my main pressure to be the best I could be. And I was very good even though before CBT there was a lot of anxiety. My solution before CBT was to choose a job where I could be very good with little competition. But without competition there is little room for advancement. With CBT I could have been so much more. My foundation was not strong enough to build high walls. Now I'm old and retired and it doesn't matter but there was a time when it did and I remember it and I remember the pain.

I like what you are doing, there are older slower ways that last longer and are less prone to failure. Medication has one drawback, when you stop it it stops.

Davit

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1853

Great discussion and great insight. Thanks for sharing Davit, rohit & loves trees.

rohit, the activities you are currently working on and including in your daily routine are great ways to calm the mind, focus and build inner strength. CBT can have similar outcomes and as you said, requires just as much dedication.

Take each day as it comes. The new skills you are learning, whether through your relaxation techniques, studying bhagwat gita, yoga, exercise and CBT will each help build the strong foundation you need for balance and harmony. You are making some very positive choices in your life to help you along your journey to better health. As you mentioned, slow and steady is key.

Here for you,

Vincenza, Health Educator

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 101

love trees,

you make a good thought that we should feel proud about ourselves;for what all we are doing.Actually low self esteem also sometimes provoke us to make negative statements about us.But I am trying to practice for positive statements when ever I do my homework. CBT do helps us to overcome our negativity-I came to know from many pupils here only.

But that human behaviour is to resist changes-this is fact.I think that we can only manage our thoughts for positiveness.We have to accept ourselves as how we are & then take step to improve ourselves only & not changing.If we try to hit the very foundation of our personality it results to big pain & lot of disturbances.

rohit131

11 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Hi Rohi131,

I wanted to post a welcome to the site message to you. Welcome!

I joined this site a few years ago. The moderators and other members here have a lot of insight that can help you. Davit has a lot of insight into anxiety and CBT. In my experience, he knows what he is talking about.

Just one thing from your posts I wanted to respond to. That you say that people in your life are not necessarily supportive in helping you figure out your anxiety and manage it. I can relate to this. Something that helped me was to really think about the fact that most people - if not every adult person - is struggling with something. everyone has their hang ups or conditions. Most people keep them hidden, especially mental and emotional issues.

For some people, the condition is hidden even from themselves (it is subconscious) but it exists. They might meet it eventually in their conscious.

My point is that if you consider that everyone struggles with things, it can counter the thoughts that make you feel badly about yourself. In other words, don't buy into the lie that others might try whereby they say they are "normal" and you are not because you have anxiety. We all have our struggles. You are seeking help for yours. That is something to be proud about.

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