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Forgiveness and the burden of toxicity which accompanies not learning to forgive

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Forgiveness and the burden of toxicity which accompanies not learning to forgive

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4027

Lt,

I think we have to work out our doc-patient relationships on our own, but others can always suggest how their relationships are. That's whats tricky about relationships, others seem to have them nailed, but with the same person, we don't succeed. I've always been lousy at relationships.

Forgiveness is repetitive act, which I often feel I'm avoiding, since I can't let go. Is there a bit of this wish to retaliate, even if it's legal and just, in you, since I feel that need for justice? Everyone believes in justice, incidentally

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

I am confused but i think I am confused because I cannot understand how I will ever forgive someone for abuse.

I don't think I can do it emotionally and I also see that the CBT program offered here on the site does not address emotions as it is focused on thoughts and behaviours. Since I struggle with emotions, I am thinking that my posts here are just confusing things for others because in adition to anxiety I have trouble with emotional regulation and managing anxiety when my emotions are haywire isn't working using CBT. At least not alone. I have been told it could be years before help in my town becomes available to me. I was hoping to use CBT such as on this site until I found more specific help but I don't know if that was a good idea or plan. I really have no idea how to proceed and whether CBT is even the right treatment for me.

My doctor does not listen and when I said my anxiety is not any better now on medication she told me the medication I am on treats anxiety and left it at that. So clearly it is my fault I am still anxious?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2508

No this is not confusing..
I find it is easier said than done sometimes though..I wish it was that easy for me to do but I find that real forgiveness takes time. They say time heals all wounds...

Red...

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4027

To build on Davit's need to be unconditionally forgiving, I knew someone who did the opposite. Their saying was "I can forgive but not forget', which is like putting someone on probation indefinately.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

You are missing the point. For forgiveness to give you closure it has to be unconditional or it is not forgiveness. It is something you do for you, not them. Closure is necessary to get it out of your system.

Is this confusing?

Davit.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 373

You raise a very good point, Loves Trees. Saying "I forgive you but I never want to see you again" doesn't seem right. What about saying - "I forgive you. If you continue to act this way, I am not going to be around you. When you are ready to make a change, I will be here". That way you can be freed from the burden of holding a grudge or being angry, and you can do the right thing for yourself but not allowing people with bad intentions into your life.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

I agree with Davit.

Intention makes the big difference. There are a few people for whom I'll never know if their ways were intentional or not. It is too complex. Do they know what they are doing or are they ill? I do not know. It is hard to forgive them because of the ambiguity. If they know how hurtful their actions are to others and continue them, I cannot find it in myself to forgive them although I find I struggle to keep forgiveness and boundaries separate. Meaning, when I forgive someone I forget my boundaries with them. So forgiving them means I'll let them hurt me again.

Saying " i forgive you, but I never want to see you again" is hard for me somehow.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 373

I would like to share that my therapist gave me an article written by Andrew Weil. It happens to be his method of breathing that I use to relax.

Here is what I've learned and what I believe about Forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. When we are angry at someone, it doesn't really hurt the other person as much as it hurts ourselves. If someone has done something truly bad and we forgive them, it doesn't mean that we condone the behavior. It means that we accept that the past happened.

Speaking of forgiveness, my son and his friend are starting to argue about their game - I'd better go before someone has to forgive someone!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Hi: I do remember an episode which was very difficult for me to let go. I have to admit it took at least 4 yrs. to forgive completely. Sort of came about in stages, as grief. There is anger, there is shock, there is sadness, lots of different emotions to go through. I would say I forgave, but did not forget. Eventually the hurt lessened and so the letting go was easier. I visualized speaking to that person, saying everything that was in my heart, good or bad, you know, just let 'em have it. I knew it would free me up if I would finally be able to let it go, I worked toward that goal. I analyzed it, I prayed on it and I tried to ignore it. It all took time. Glad to say it is gone now however if and when I deal with that person, I do feel a little stressed and find it could be very easy to go back to the old pattern of thinking. I stop myself before it goes too far and remind myself that forgiveness is there. I may not like that person but I will treat each encounter as a new one, not the old one.

Sunny

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 270

Great input about forgiveness, hugs4U and Davit! Members, how do you go about forgiving others? Do you also consider intent as Davit says? Alternatively, can you share some other strategies that help you let go of painful situations and forgive?

Thanks in advance for your feedback.

Sonia - Health Educator

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Forgiveness and the burden of toxicity which accompanies not learning to forgive