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Now is the Time!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

nevermind .... i have this precious healthy child sitting in my lap. I am so blessed with an easy life that just keeps gettng better as I learn to manage myself better and the only thing that needs to change is my attitude. I have so much to be grateful for. sorry for the rant...... sometimes i just don't know

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

This is a really timely discussion for me.... I so struggle with Hugs' well-put question...

"How much of the day is mine and how much do I give up?"

I struggle with this constantly. Sunny's post that it is all in our power to choose is a good reminder... especially when I start to feel so overwhelmed and exhausted with the care I provide as granny nanny. It's exhausting. I am exhausted. I have limitations. My daughter wants me to be her daytime babysitter, counselor, best friend, evening and weekend babysitter, financial advisor, sounding board, and sympathy giver, plus be a regular generous grandmother on the side. I can't do it all. And am feeling resentful... this is where Sunny's reminder comes in.... I am responsible for my choices... how I use my time, how much I make myself available, how much I give, how much I take.

The resentment I'm feeling is a clear sign that things are out of balance and it is up to me to change that. Her demands will not only continue, but the more I do for her and her family, the more she expects me to do. I guess that is human nature. I need to remember that only I can protect my time and space and it is a waste of energy to expect otherwise. I have told my daughter that I can either do full-time daycare for her or I can be the mom/grandma available at odd times for various things.

She constantly requests more from me, but does not want to give up the daycare bit. It is up to me to reset boundaries.

When I say no, the guilt is terrible. Her anger is fearsome to me (scaredy-cat that I am about anger from any direction.)

But this discussion renews my strength to try again... to re-set those boundaries and not feel guilty about it. Because this is nutz, I tellya ... NUTZ! I cannot allow myself to wallow in exhaustion OR resentment when how I spend my time is my choice!... my responsibility!

Ugh... that sounds so strong and brave, but now I have to come up with a plan of action....

oh, dear... i am so very tired and there are only 8 weeks more of school (she's a teacher) and then I get two months off, so I shouldn't be complaining and maybe it isn't even worth the effort. I'll just carry on until summer break.... maybe.... if i can. This where it becomes very clear that the tilde before my name represents my noodlely spine... i can't win for tripping myself up.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Hi Hugs4u: I got to thinking about the me time. I supposed because I am not working, this gives me more leisure time for myself. And also because my children are grown up and left the house, I have more time. Basically for me, I try to give back to the community so I do volunteer work, but not as much, I've cut back about 50%. Me time can be all day if I'm not doing anything for the family or the community. My mother is in a nursing home, visit her once a wk. or if I'm in the area, I can pop in for a shorter visit during the wk. I don't take care of grandchildren on a regular basis, only once in awhile. So perhaps in that respect I am freer than you are if you still have a young family and dependents and work.

When I had panic attacks I had three children at home, the youngest was about 2 yrs. old. I had to go out, do groceries, help at the school (volunteer, but I wanted to even if I didn't feel like it, I'd make myself do it). Helped in the family business by doing some hiring and overseeing and the books during the week, though our accountant took care of it each end of month. Later I had part time jobs, once the youngest was in school. So I was busy. and sometimes I did get panic attacks. When the youngest was around 14 yrs. old, I took the CBT course and that's when I realized me time was important. And that was the time I started to pay attention and say "no" if I didn't want to do something. The guilt, at first, was enormous. Then I got better at it. So I guess the important thing I learned was to say "no" to something. If I couldn't say no, I could discuss it, negotiate and maybe do it on my terms, so everyone was happy. Then I wasn't stressed out about it.

Hope this helps.

Your friend, Sunny

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4027

Sunny,

I do have a list, and Santa knows, when he checks his twice, that I complete most of my list. The challenge is finding 'me" time and separating me from obligation.

Red,.

It might not be a "formula", but maybe an attitude, if that's easier. I wish there was an easy answer. I read there's a hierarchy of fears in CBT, and it probably spills over to other things.

Some of the postings seem to wish to squeeze round pegs into square holes, and I have to back off...

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 659

Hello Hugs4u,

I am sorry to say I don't have a formula for dividing up the day..I have been working on that one for a while now. Some type of routine that includes my wants and needs on a daily basis..Might be a start..I also can relate to what you said about caregiving being a way of avoiding situations of social fear..I did this for a long time when my husband was ill. We always led a very isolated life for 27 yrs even before he got ill and we liked it. After he was gone I had to learn so much about myself and how to be in the world out there..It has been hard I will not kid you..but it have been so worth it. I am still learning and have a long ways to go on this journey yet.

I think we can all help each other on this journey..Posting here is the first step and a very positive step forward in the right direction..Keep posting we are listening and we care...

Your friend.

Red.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Hugs4u: Sounds like you've just discovered something about your choices. this is good. May I suggest writing a list of short term goals? such as, going for a short walk around the block every day. Maybe telephoning one friend a day. or, pampering yourself with something you like every day, something to look forward to. As you get better at checking off your list of things, add some more things you would like to do, to try. Good way to build some confidence and do some positive things for yourself, good strokes.

Your friend, Sunny

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Hi hugs4u: My thoughts are that your whole day is yours, your whole life is yours. Everything you do for others or yourself is already yours. Sitting on the couch just vegging out is yours. Looking out that window is yours. All things you do, all choices are yours. You own everything about yourself, even pain given to you by others. The bigger question is what do you do with it? Some are so hurt or burdened they can hardly breathe, let alone think for themselves. They need time and healing with professional guidance, lots of compassion and love too. And along this path there are different levels of hurt, some can help themselves with guidance, say this CBT program for instance. Some may need some medication to help along the way. As we say, we are all different, physically, mentally.

Volunteer work, for example, for an hour a day, or an hour a wk. sounds like your are giving up that time of day for a cause. This hour still belongs to you, what does it do to you? what do you receive back? It is you performing the work. It is still part of your day, you own this work. You can divide your day up in as many blocks of time as you want, but you still own all of the day emotionally, whether you are working for someone else or for yourself. You are experiencing it in your own unique way.

Does this make sense?

Your friend, Sunny

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4027

Red,

I'll add that I believe that with GAD, the issue becomes cloudy, since I can hide behind my "caregiving". It's murky enough at the best of times.

So if I'm afraid of something, I can always say I'm caregiving. The payoff is avoiding situations of social fear....I wish life were easier.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4027

Red,

My question is how much of the day is mine and how much do I give up?

I noticed that this can apply even to people who don't have relatives or dependents. An example would be single people and attitude to the their community or world. Some give unselfishly, to the extent of a commitment in a religious order. Some just give to themselves and don't even contribute to society in any way, ignoring the child at the lemonade stand, or the car wash at work for some "good cause" drive.

Do you have a formula for dividing the day...?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 659

Hugs,

Its so good to hear that you are going to rethink this and sleep on it tonight. We all really do deserve to enjoy our lives and love ourselves..It is hard to do at times especially when you are a caregiver for someone else..I was a caregiver for many years and I am just learning how to enjoy my life and love myself..I only regret now is that I didn't do it sooner...

Here for you,

Red.

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