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Day 2 - trigger time.

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Day 2 - trigger time.

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 14

Thanks very much for the support.

I fixed dinner. Then went back upstairs and got on my bed and waited for my husband to come home. I didn't wash the dishes or put away what they didn't eat. I removed myself from my trigger zone. The girls had done homework, so after they ate they watched a little bit of TV. I called down that they got one more episode. They turned it off and came up about the time my husband got home. My 6 year old curled up in bed with me. He wanted me to come down to watch a movie. I declined. I scratched my 9 year old's back and then my 11 year old's back and told them goodnight without racing to get back to wine and a cigarette. Instead, I ate 6 squares of espresso flavored chocolate. I don't even like chocolate very much. I went to sleep.

My husband finished the half bottle of wine that I'd left from Monday night. He watched a few movies. He came up at 2 am. Said it was 1 am. Totally woke me up. Then snored and I could not sleep. My stomach felt hot and empty. I tossed for an hour. He also put the cat out of the room so the sound of the car scratching to get in also bugged me. I got up and let him back in. Then I basically played some games and read facebook for an hour until I was really tired again and fell asleep.

Tonight will be a test. He wants to see our friends at the cigar club. They own it. Good thing, neither one drinks. But their bartender usually has either my beer of choice in hand when he sees me or starts to open a Malbec. They are aourclosest friends. So I don't know if I will go with him or not. Then we are meeting more friends for a one act play. I am a playwrite and actress. Not going is not really an option. Small community with hardly any theater. It is being held in a bar.

My goal is not total abstinence. It is to stop the every other night binges. It is to be able to have one or two and then stop. In the same instance, I am telling myself that counting down to THE DAY when I can have those one or two is not healthy. I need to stop thinking about it either way. I need to be able to order something else. I don't drink soda, though. And I cannot have coffee at night. I love water, but hate bottled water and the impact on the environment and most places here only offer it bottled. Maybe they will have a juice or something I like.

I am going to look up their menu now and see if it is available online and see what non alcoholic drinks they offer and choose one now.

Just like I do with food because I'm a picky semi vegetarian, I am going to have to do this about drinks. Control freak side of my nature just may come in handy.

Again, I appreciate the words of support.

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1009

Hi Mcat,

Welcome to the site. How did the rest of your evening go? These urges you're experiencing will lessen as you progress forward. They're challenges that are meant to happen. When you feel these challenges it's a sign that your brain is re-wiring itself and your body is healing. It's like working out....challenging at first but as you get stronger this will seem easy. We get so entrenched in reaching for alcohol as a means of stress relief and eventually it turns on us and actually creates the stress! I remember my second day vividly. Driving by the liquor store @ 5pm and the pull was magnetic. I kept going and didn't stop, however, the pull was certainly there. Each victory will build on the next. You just have to push through it. Anxiety can't hurt you! You'll be glad you pushed through it. I found it really helped to grab an iced tea or something non-alcoholic and drink that back. If I still felt the urge I drank another. We often confuse being thirsty with the need to drink alcohol, especially at times when we would normally start off on a tear.

You doing great Mcat. It's a huge step you've taken, one that will pay dividends for all those around you, especially yourself. Stay strong and keep moving forward!

All the best,

Dave

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 14

Wow. Facebook. You are evil. All my friends post funny wine memes. Maybe not all, but enough. Or the comments have suggestions to put wine in the tub instead of water or whatever it is. And then I think, I'm all alone not having a couple of glasses of wine like normal people, just to enjoy the taste and the release of tension. But I'm not alone. There are other women in their mid-40s getting dinner ready for their children and not having wine. Even the friends who are posting, are not necessarily drinking. I know that for certain. So there, brain. Now to go feed the hungry children.

8 years ago 0 +0 / -0 14

Right now I am at the start of the time period that would have been my normal start with a drink or maybe two until they've been fed and put to bed. Then that 2 drinks becomes a non stop binge until 1 am more or less. I am telling myself that I won't have a drink tonight. That this is my night off. I am irritable. My husband asked me to review a 4 page document that may end up shutting down the technology company he just took over. The girls are running around jumping on my bed and using my phone to watch videos now that the youngest is no longer throwing a crying fit because I won't go locate glue and pencils for her after I told her where to look for them herself. My husband is at a drop in yoga class I set up for him to try to help him with his stress and anxiety. I was teaching theater when he was thinking of going for a drink at the cigar bar. He didn't go. Our friends were not there, so instead he did a little shopping and picked up the 6 year old from a playdate while I paid some vendors. I'm trying to stay busy and not default to pouring a drink out of boredom. I am trying to enjoy the laughter and flopping of my children. In a moment, I will get up from my chair and go to make dinner. I'll make chicken soup with carrots. It won't take much time and then they will eat it and that's a trigger time for me. I want to just feed them then come upstairs to hide from the kitchen where the wine I didn't finish the other night, the night before my first day, is sitting on the counter. So what do I do with myself? Do I put away Christmas decorations? Which I hate doing and find very lonely to do alone? Do I climb into bed and start reading so that I'm not near the wine? But if I do, I'm just leaving my girls alone. But isn't that better? For them to be alone while I hide from the wine for a bit?

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Day 2 - trigger time.