Thanks everyone for the positive feedback! I do feel like I've come a long way for sure.
Here's what I've discovered about myself. I believe I have gotten into a depressed state at different times in my life for various reasons. Part of it is such self doubt that I was always (yes always) setting myself up to be let down or to let down because, I believed deep in my heart that I didn't deserve to be happy or "normal" because I wasn't "normal". Bad choices, not satisfied with my life, regret, looking for the ultimate---acceptance and love. What I failed to do was love myself most of the time. And accept myself. I can blame my past for my quirky way of thinking, for my self doubt, for the put down's by my mother and my CRAZY ex husband's abuse BUT, once I realized that my thinking was wrong and that I am actually an ok person--(:-)--then, it was no ones fault but my own if I didn't overcome and move on. It took a lot of time to do that. I think I had post baby depression badly and a pretty bad hormonal inbalance on top of it all. I got into the habit of drinking and drinking slowly took over my brain....my thinking and my life. Alcohol will do that...it's like a weed, growing little fingers into your brain....rooting into your self and state of mind before you know it. Takes time away from it to kill these little "roots"....time away for you to see clearly and time away to make sure you don't revive the weed. Then you can see...only then do you actually have a choice and your chance to beat it.
I have to say being free to work out my thoughts and emotions on this site was a life CHANGER! Before I wouldn't talk to anyone about it---I was so embarassed, so beaten, so ashamed.
As you all know, being in the bottle is a lonely place. Most folks don't understand and everyone tries to "fix" you but, they really don't know how. You have to want to "fix" yourself. To come from the place I was on the day I found you all to the place I am now is amazing! I was ready to die. I was ready to be gone from this life and the place I felt I could not get free of. It's sad to me now and scary to me to look back and know that my brain had turned against me and to know what I would have done to get out. Thanks to everyone for listening and exchanging ideas and being positive. I hope I can do that for some one as well. Just knowing that people here are understaning and embracing has made me disolve into tears of relief in my darkest hour.
With all that said---I'm feeling great about where I am in my head and heart right now. I can't imagine going back--my brain won't even wrap itself around that now. Have I had the occasional drink? Yes. Will I in the future have an occasional drink ? Yes. Do I know that there needs to be a LOT of space between these occasional drinks--meaning days and weeks---absolutely! That's where things are for me now. Again---I hope I can offer a kindness or mitzvah to others on here. Life is way better when you are able to have the freedom to choose your day. Life is beautiful if given the chance.
