"A coping strategy for a coping strategy"... I love that!
Kirk, you sound a lot like me. I'm at a point now where I no longer justify my drinking, I know flat out that it's wrong and ineffective and unhealthy, but I do still feel it's easier in the short term when I want a release. And you always think "well just this time". And it makes it easier to justify when you're not blacking out every day, and when you're not spending all your money on alcohol, and when friends drink too when you go out.
A while ago I mentioned in a post about how my drinking in social situations is almost always positively reinforced (on the nights I don't severely overdo it). For me, when I've got a drink in my hand, I'm warmer, friendlier, more smiley, funny. and relaxed, and that gets rewarded (I'm a dog person and I realize I sound like a dog in training right now!)When I'm sober all that confidence goes away and people read the subtle cues I give off which are all quite uninviting and difficult to read. People have told me I always look mad and grumpy, even when I'm totally not feeling either of those things. And then the cognitive distortions kick in at full force. Deep down I AM that warm, funny, relaxed person and I hate that my self-doubt locks all of that good stuff away. I resent it quite badly, actually. Drinking to me has always been a "win win" - other people like me and give me positive feedback, and I feel good and in turn like myself. It makes life easier for me and for those around me. HA - I just said I don't justify or rationalize my drinking anymore, but clearly I still do. Even if I still believe it's better that I drink, I'm making a commitment to prove myself wrong by staying sober in social situations for the next while to revisit the idea.
It's really not easy to be in a place where you aren't at rock bottom but you're not healthy either.
Good post, like Dave said, I'm sure the vast majority of us have all felt the same way at some point.
