Guys, thanks for listening. I'd have come back sooner but had more nonsense the past couple days that just makes me want to steal a horse and ride away. But it's nearly Friday so there's that.
Kristine, I'm sorry I made you cry but I am glad if it helped you get through a rough patch. This post has been building in my head for a while and I just had to blow it out here. In part because someone close (who happens to be a smoker) told me in a raging argument a couple days before I posted that I'd changed completely when I started working with my current employer. My response was 'no, I changed completely when I quit smoking'. And I have. In some ways I really don't like who I have become and desperately miss the pacifist. There was so much less conflict back then. I've gone so far over the other way I scare myself sometimes. As a smoker I didn't rock the boat too much, I went along with things that I may not have agreed with but the long and short of it is I never stood up for myself. Now I flat out refuse to take any crap from anyone. And this too can be the wrong attitude. I'm kind of in limbo at the moment.
In a nutshell, what I guess I'm trying to say is that in all the reading I've ever done on the SSC, and all the discussions I've ever had with people who are or have been at any time smokers, it is always this - the emotional fallout - that seems to trip people up. I've never read about a failed quit that didn't start with a tale of a huge emotional outlay of some kind. This stress. That anger. Those arguments. Another sorrow. It is not cigarettes we are actually battling. It is ourselves. It is our inability to cope without a crutch. And that is a 'must learn' before anyone can actually hold tight to that elusive quit. We have to be willing to step into the void and know that sometimes if we truly believe in ourselves it's really possible to fly.
I personally will not turn back to smoking but it has been a serious challenge handling these emotional things with only 7 years' practice. I no longer light up but I lash out. I used to have a short fuse but now I seem to have no fuse. Troubling.
What I believe now is that those who have never smoked were just better able throughout their lives to manage emotional situations. They have a healthier outlook and a higher EQ (not IQ but EQ) than the rest of us who do/did smoke. Whether it's nature or nurture which gifts them with this ability to cope has yet to reveal itself (I'm thinking it's the former) but some people are simply better equipped to deal with things. Otherwise how can we explain that rich celebrity who overdoses after a bout of 'stress' versus the homeless busker with ratty shoes who keeps playing that guitar and singing his heart out every day, knowing and believing everything will get better, and contented to do what brings him joy in the meantime.
We are in a constant battle to win control of those emotions. I have been fighting my own mind and heart for seven years. Cigarettes won't win but there is still something missing. I think it's when we find that 'thing' that we are fully recovered. I will keep looking. I think for me 'that thing' is nearing age 2 and calls himself 'son'.
Keep on trucking, everyone. I have a very deep caring for all my 'virtual' friends here, whether I'm here or not. I am proud to be part of this community and always always welcome new survivors, new SSC warriors, to the front line.
May you all fight the good fight. And keep winning.
x T
. It's a pretty fine outlet too. 
